To mention lack of thank you card

[Pouringfrogs]

DSiL got married last summer. They live abroad so we made a long weekend of it (well, we had to, it’s a flight away- but did it gladly).

We put money in their card. DB was also asked last minute to oversee a few things on the day, which he was happy to do.

It‘s almost a year on and we have received no thank you card. Her DM has been upset about it and had words around Christmas time. DSiL said she was busy and they hadn’t got round to it bit were working on it.

DSiL doesn’t work, and has one child with her ex with 50% custody. So I‘m not sure how she hasn’t found the time. Of course it isn’t only up to her, her DH too, but I feel like there is no excuse for being so rude.

They are coming to see us soon and I‘m tempted to say something. DH doesn’t think I should.

Blimey. How ridiculous of your relative.

But that and the nonplussed responses from some of the people you apologised to just goes to show, there is no settled etiquette on this issue any more.

I am totally with you.

Over 10 years ago we handed a wedding card to my DH's nephew and his wife with $150 in it. I told my SIL (his Mum) to make sure they didn't leave the card behind before going back to the US as it had money in it.

Never heard a word. No thanks. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. And they had our email address. I don't hand someone $150 to not even have an acknowledgement.

As you can see, I haven't forgotten. It's the height of rudeness.

I think as long as a thank you is given in some way then it is fine. Absolutely no card needed. Waste of card and stamps are ridiculous.

I sent out wedding cards but everything else like baby presents, kids bday presents and other presents, i all thank via whatsapp.

I'd have being perfectly happy with a text or a WhatsApp but when you get nothing it's a bit galling

Yes, a thank you card should be sent to anyone who has given a gift. It takes five minutes max to sign a thank you card and address an envelope; or an e-card which is even quicker would be better than nowt.

I have given wedding gifts where I haven't received a card - I'd never mention it and wouldn't let it affect a friendship/family relationship - but it makes me think the couple are somewhat ill-mannered or thoughtless, unless I'm aware they have something going on such as serious illness.

I would have been happy with a text message or email. It is nice being thanked a few weeks after the event - it feels as though they are remembering their day and their guests. But totally no thanking is saving us money, as if people can't be arsed to do it, I can't be bothered to give a present.

some of these replies are so funny - people just love to be rude these days especially (or only?) online 😉.
YANBU. Thank you cards / texts are common courtesy and I too will continue to teach my children this. At the very least so you know they got it if in a card box!

I think the couple should have acknowledged your present, but not necessarily by a written card. Text or email is fine. It would also have been OK for you to have sent a chatty text closer to the time asking if they had received it but I would leave it now, it’s too far back.

It is true you shouldn't give a gift in order to be thanked, and I get that thank-you cards are a bit old fashioned, and postage is daylight robbery.

But the concept of thanking someone for a gift is basic courtesy and so much easier to do nowadays. A quick WhatsApp or a text is all that's needed to say "thank you so much, much appreciated".

People who have spent mega bucks on a wedding can send thank you cards. Postage is nothing when compared to what is spent on most weddings. It’s the price it is because some people live in out of the way places.

Never put cash in envelopes! That’s the old fashioned bit. Do a bank transfer surely? Weddings are so busy cash is not a great idea. Who has cash anyway?

Just in case anyone didn’t realise it, but Smythson still do Thank You cards. I’m beginning to think this is a class and manners issue. Some have both and some don’t.

It’s really quite simple:

For most gift giving and invitations, a thoughtful WhatsApp or emailed thank-you will suffice. Thoughtful meaning at least 2-3 personalised sentences, not just “thanks for the gift/dinner”.

However, if it’s the sort of wedding where formal invitations were sent out, a proper, mailed thank-you card for gifts is the done thing.

Yes it should be thanked. We had an office wedding two years ago. The cards gifts were thanked for in the speeches. I def find even in godkids cards now I dont get thanked. But only takes a minute to text

Did they thank you for coming and for the gift on the day or at another point while you were with them?

Thank you cards sound like a crazy waste of time and paper to me!

If you were thanked in any way, I would just take that. You won't get a card after all this time & it's not really necessary. But I'd definitely expect a thank you of some kind, otherwise its just rude

My cousin never thanked anyone for any gifts to her wedding/child's christening etc. But she's a selfish cow so I'd expect nothing more!

OP doesn’t say she has no thanks. Just no thank you card.
Edit: I see in later posts she says no acknowledgement at all -odd not to mention that in the OP and to be so specific about a ‘Thank you card’.
It’s rude not to say thank you at all, of course it is, it a year on I’d stop being upset.

When we got married, it was donations to a cancer charity instead of gifts. People could donate directly online, some brought cash in their card. We got a total amount donated figure from the charity, some people had donated anonymously, so we sent a thank you to everyone which covered thank you for sharing our day and if you also gave to our charity, this is the total we got. I wouldn't dream of not thanking someone!

Haha I was going to say YABU but then remembered I'm still irrationally annoyed about a wedding we drove 5 hours to, paid for a hotel room and bought thoughtful gifts, only to not hear from the couple at all afterwards. And no, we didnt do anything rude or embarrassing at the event. It was a friend of DH and she finally got in touch a couple years later to ask for travel tips for a location near where we live. CF!
Didn't expect a thank you card, that's a bit OTT. But a text saying thanks for coming and cheers for the gift (which had been very specically chosen based on a theme to their friendship) might have been nice. Especially as we travelled all that way just for a wedding party, they had their actual wedding abroad and we didn't get invited.

@TreeDudette What else about a wedding is a waste? Many items that are included in a lavish wedding and hen/stag dos are a “waste”. Recycled paper is the least of it! All those flowers! All that petrol used to get to the wedding! All that money spent on clothes people won’t wear again. All that money on hire suits and acres of table cloths and silly favours. What about hire of bridal cars and the expense of the wedding dress!? It’s an endless spend fest and posters worry about a few cards and stamps. It’s ludicrous. Never mind the stag do in Vegas then!

…did they say thank you when you gave it to them?

I do think you should have recieved a thank you. But I dont think you can dictate it being a card.

And doing something nice for someone doesnt entitle you to that reciprocation.

I understand why you feel the way you do. But I think you have to let jt go

@PrincessASDaisy She didn’t. Dropped in a container with other cards!

Erm, at my wedding we had a table for gifts and had a sign that said thank you so much for coming and thank you if you left a gift. We didn't expect any in fact we asked people to donate to a named charity if they did want to give anything.
I wouldn't send a card. Its not important to them but important to you so I can understand but it's a card and im sure the dsil was thankful when it was received. Is it worth damaging a relationship over, no. Ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? If yes, carry on. If no, let it go.

Not defunct here and I judge ppl who don't send them. I have two BILs - one sends thank you cards, the other never does -i think he's rude.

Unpacking your issue.

A) you want to check they got your money - ask your mother in law or your husband can ask his brother. No need to mention thank you letters, you are just worried the card got lost.

B) you think the bride is rude. While there is an undercurrent of seixism or old fashioned stereotypes here, there is nothing you can do about other people’s manners. Maybe think about why you think it’s the woman’s role to do this.

C) I suspect you don’t like the bride from your description in the opening post. It seems you do t have to see her much. She is living her life, you should live yours. It’s a small issue, so likely the fact that this still irks you a year later means it’s about something else:

and I too like a thank you letter after a wedding. I think it sucks that it usually falls to be bride and that society believes all a man has to do is show up at his wedding while all the work falls on the bride. For all you know she has decided he deals with his half and deals with hers. So it’s the groom you should be annoyed at