To mention lack of thank you card

[Pouringfrogs]

DSiL got married last summer. They live abroad so we made a long weekend of it (well, we had to, it’s a flight away- but did it gladly).

We put money in their card. DB was also asked last minute to oversee a few things on the day, which he was happy to do.

It‘s almost a year on and we have received no thank you card. Her DM has been upset about it and had words around Christmas time. DSiL said she was busy and they hadn’t got round to it bit were working on it.

DSiL doesn’t work, and has one child with her ex with 50% custody. So I‘m not sure how she hasn’t found the time. Of course it isn’t only up to her, her DH too, but I feel like there is no excuse for being so rude.

They are coming to see us soon and I‘m tempted to say something. DH doesn’t think I should.

Did they thank you in any way eg by message? If they did then fine, if not than yes that’s beyond rude not to acknowledge a gift.

Yes they should have thanked you somehow but they didn’t. You can either make it the defining thing in your relationship or you can let it go.

Fretting about whether the money was stolen is just a cover for your (perfectly reasonable) irritation at the lack of thanks.

Sorry, do adults actually send thank you cards?! 😂 Erm…did she say thank you on the day, because that’s how adults do it where I’m from. Thank you cards are for kids, to teach the basics of gratitude and to puncture entitlement. Adults just say ‘thanks so much for all your help, let me know if I can ever do the same for you’. Because they feel the gratitude and don’t just assume they’ll get the help - the teaching phase is over.

Must be a culture clash because honest to god, if any member of our families over the age of 15 sent us a thank you card, we’d probably ask them if they were feeling ok 🤣

Ahhh…just saw they never thanked your DH on the day for his help. Ok, that’s a bit off - someone does you a favour or helps you out then you should at least say thank you in person. But still, just dropped it in a couple of Whatsapp groups to ask if people send thank you cards in any form for gifts and it’s been a resounding no from a few dozen different peeps in their 30s, 40s and 50s.

In my world it’s rude not to acknowledge the gift, but it doesn’t have to be a card: text, email, phone call, in person thank you are all acceptable.
would I say anything because I hadn’t been thanked - no

Every wedding I’ve been to I’ve got a thank you card. We’re in our 30s so been to lots recently so I don’t think its odd that your expected one. That said I don’t think it’s worth mentioning and I’d just move on.

I might be missing something but your DH is the bride’s brother? I wouldnt expect a thank you card from a sibling, seems a bit formal to me. I’d just say, did you get the cash I left for you in the card?

I think it very rude not to say thank you, send a message or send a card. I wouldn't actually say anything at this point

Whilst I would say thank you in person at the time or by text, there is not a single scenario in which I would ever send my brother a thank you card! Did she definitely not send a thank you text to your husband, or thank him on the day?

My DD has the answer! No gift given. The gift is her presence! Solved for everyone. It’s what her age group do. They are friends, not relatives, but if people spend a lot of money going to a wedding, they are not expected to cough up for a gift too. They are thanked for going though because they are more fun than most relatives!

Of course people should give thanks for being gifted money and time for their wedding, even in 2025!

@SeasaltPuppy
Yes but in person in this day and age is fine. I don’t think I’ve ever received a thank you card from an adult! I’m wondering if it’s mostly an English thing? The only time I remember receiving a card was from ExHs cousins who were English teenagers. I was genuinely surprised to receive one as I never had before. I’m baffled so many on here send them! I bet you all still send Christmas cards too! 😂

Thank You cards were outdated when I was a kid! I've never been given one in my life, and I've never sent one either.

YANBU to be miffed OP - even my little girl sends thank you card after birthdays and Christmas so wedding gifts absolutely warrant a TY card imo. But I wouldn’t bring it up now.

We all seem to have different ideas about what constitutes "manners". Personally I think it is rude to insist on a 'thank you' as well. TBH I would probably not remember not being thanked for wedding gifts, although yes it's nice to receive a thank you. If I was concerned about money not reaching the recipients as OP seems to be hinting then I would ask them if they got it.

Do you also find receiving gifts quaint/formal?

That’s not a thing anymore for most people. The only thing I’ve seen for decades is a mass email sent to all basically saying ‘thanks all for attending our wedding to celebrate with us, your kind wishes and gifts, from Bride/Groom’.

Thank you letters are still very much sent! DD’s friends were not impressed with another of their group who failed to send out thank you letters following her overseas wedding. It was considered incredibly poor form.

This is 100% down to your DB. He is the reason you spent the money and bought these gifts. Your SIL was barely known to you. He is the person responsible for thanking you.

My daughter got married 6 months ago and sent beautiful thank you cards and photos to us and all her guests. She tells me that all her husband's family cards and photos (chosen and paid for by her) are still piled up in their home office waiting for him to sign and post them. She is upset that she's ordered all the photos and sorted out the cards and now people will think she is ungrateful but I think she is drawing an important line in the sand around wife work.

In this day and age, an emailed Thank-You letter, or even a WhatsApp message, is perfectly acceptable for many occasions - birthday or anniversary presents, dinner or other party invitations etc.

However, wedding presents most definitely call for a proper Thank-You card. Preferably with a photo of the happy couple. Anything else is just very poor form.

Have not received thank you cards for the last 5 or 6 weddings we have been to - the first one, the card (with money enclosed) was given to the best man (as per groom’s request) & I have always wondered if they ever got it.

The last time I had dealings with an actual thank you card was when my mother forced me to write them to my gran after Christmas, back in the 80s.

I’ve never received thank you cards for gifts I give at weddings. I’ll get a thank you text from my DB when I send presents to his kids, but that’s about it.

I don’t think I move in exceptionally ill-mannered circles. it seems odd to me that you’re all stewing on this a year on.

I'm late 40s, and my mum fused to force me to write thank you notes to family members after Christmas and birthdays. My DD is late teens, and I've always encouraged her to write a text or email to say thanks for presents after being gifted them. Family members don't expect a card these days

I think after a year OP really needs to let this go. Some people lack manners. It's a fact of life.

(I still write cards and send hand-written letters. The hand-written letters tend to be to customer service departments I have beef with, because I know it costs them more money and time to respond. Of course I don't provide a phone number or email address. Yes, I am that petty)

People definitely still write thank you notes for wedding gifts usually. However you need to drop this now as it's never going to happen.

I was brought up to always thank people if they give me a present. To not do this is incredibly rude. In this day and age, it's easy to text or WhatsApp, no need to actually hand write something 🙄

I'd be pissed off too, OP. But no point in saying anything to them, apart from maybe checking they received the card and money. But yes, they are rude.