To mention lack of thank you card

[Pouringfrogs]

DSiL got married last summer. They live abroad so we made a long weekend of it (well, we had to, it’s a flight away- but did it gladly).

We put money in their card. DB was also asked last minute to oversee a few things on the day, which he was happy to do.

It‘s almost a year on and we have received no thank you card. Her DM has been upset about it and had words around Christmas time. DSiL said she was busy and they hadn’t got round to it bit were working on it.

DSiL doesn’t work, and has one child with her ex with 50% custody. So I‘m not sure how she hasn’t found the time. Of course it isn’t only up to her, her DH too, but I feel like there is no excuse for being so rude.

They are coming to see us soon and I‘m tempted to say something. DH doesn’t think I should.

No you're not old fashioned... you simply have manners.

Many of us do send them but you'd hardly believe it reading this thread. Everyone I know would send them, it is the norm for decent people after weddings.

Then I'd be surprised but remember that they invited me and spent money on food etc.

It's bad manners not to say thank you, but it wouldn't bother me a year on.

I think just let it go and get on with your life. You can’t control others’ actions.

Oh but maybe I am??

I have no issue with ‘DSiL’ not working. I’d do the same in their position.

I take issue with someone saying they haven’t had the time, when they clearly have a lot more time than most people.

I don’t actually know if they received the money, the cards were left in a box so it could have got lost or stolen.
This is why you send thank-yous. For all we know the newly weds are seething, one year on, because they think no gift was given.
People don't want thank-yous so they can feel superior. They want them so they know that the gift got there safely.

MN is bonkers sometimes.

It's been a year. Give it up now. That's a long time to hold a grudge on an out of date concept.

Yes I believe in manners and it would be nice to be thanked. However, the last 3 weddings that I have attended, I never got a word of thanks for the money I gave.

They are all in their 20s so maybe it's not a thing for their generation.

But to hold a grudge for a year is bloody childish.

THANK YOU

I don’t have a superiority complex because I gave a newlywed couple some money. I’m sure they received larger amounts from other guests.

If someone gives me something, I say thank you- in person, via text, or a card. We’ve received zero acknowledgement.

I'd be pissed off too OP but not to the point that I'd bring it up a year later. I just wouldn't both gifting to them or their future offspring. If they have children they will never thank you for anything as their parents won't have taught them manners.

People always seem to be falling over themselves on here to scoff at saying thank you and sending thank you cards.

I’m early 40s, I’m far from an old fuddy duddy, but if somebody gives me a gift or helps at my wedding a think you card is the very least I could do.

It doesnt even have to be a card. I get cards for people who I know appreciate cards. For people who ar likely to throw cards in the bin I get a plant or a bunch of flowers or a cake or a nice soap….just something and say “thanks”.

That being said, I’m not sure how you could raise it without looking petty.

I have family members who never said thank you for gifts of cash (a text message would have been fine). I just stopped doing it.

Do you have some sort of spreadsheet to keep track of gifts and mark off the thank you cards? I certainly would move on after a year!

It doesnt mstter what they say, they clearly dont want to.

Whynis it so important to you to say something woth the intention of causing awkwardness so you can feel superior and like you've taught a lesson?

It's really pathetic.

Ive never been to a wedding and not received a thank you card. I obviously have friends with better manners than a lot of people on Mumsnet! I would inwardly judge someone who didn’t but I wouldn’t actually say anything to them. And I’d probably make a little less effort with any future gifts for them.
Manners seem to be dying out nowadays.

Thanks for all the responses, oh sorry should I not say thanks, it’s not the done thing anymore….

Anyway, I’ll sit on this and not say anything to DB DSiL.

But I’ll carry on teaching my own kids manners, that you always say thank you for a gift.

Ooh, this thread has been quite eye opening to me! I'm late 30s and definitely thought thank you cards were still a thing (and was mildly perturbed after the last wedding I went to when I received no acknowledgement of our gift, though wouldn't have dreamt of "following up").

I've had fun making little thank you cards with my young kid after her birthday / Christmases - I thought it was a nice way to teach her gratitude and graciousness. Am I being a total dinosaur??

My husband's family rarely acknowledge gifts we've sent (not even a text) and have also made it clear they think thank you cards are silly when I've sent them. I always thought it was slightly rude, or perhaps cultural differences, but realising now that perhaps I'm just horrendously old fashioned!

You are definitely not old-fashioned, @Beeayenayenayen - I cannot believe that there really are people who consider thanking for gifts to be optional…

Seriously, give your head a wobble!

but realising now that perhaps I'm just horrendously old fashioned!
I hope it's not old fashioned. But it's certainly not horrendous!

I wasn't raised on Thank You cards and have never sent them except on a rare occasion someone does something above and beyond for me (like letting me use their holiday home for free). I certainly didn't send them to wedding guests.

I went to 3 weddings last year. No thank you cards received, nor were they expected. I didn't even know that was still a thing.

That’s lovely, and I do the same as you. My children make and write their own thank you cards for birthday/Xmas presents.

It says a lot more about the lack of manners of those who receive your lovely gestures than you. I bet they are secretly embarrassed they put so little time, thought of care into such things themselves.

Those who still bother to do these polite things just show up how little effort many make nowadays for things that really don’t take that much time a few times a year.

I will continue these things regardless 😊

Which is not the subject of the AIBU.

OP already knows she thinks it was remiss of them not to send a thanks. She's asking whether she ought to chase one up a year on, which clearly she should not or she'll look a total tit. You could think thank you cards are the most important thing ever and still pick the BU option.

I loved reading your comment, and it made me feel a bit more confident to just continue as I am. Thank you. Polite munsnetters unite!

How on earth do you know what anyone does in their 'spare' time? How snidy and judgemental.

Hmmm, us too but living abroad. We don't send thank you cards. Or Christmas or birthday cards or letters of any kind. The postal service here is simply too unreliable. The chances of anything we sent actually being received are slim, furthermore there are no postboxes - the only way to send anything is by actually going to the post office, which is open very limited hours and always with huge queues. Very expensive too. Anything that does get through takes weeks. We no longer renew our passports by sending back the old one. We declare them lost in order to avoid sending them back - which in the past has meant having to declare them lost anyway when they don't turn up even by registered post. This just saves time and trouble. The idea of sending - or indeed receiving - anything by post is a complete ballache.

A text, email or a SM message of appreciation takes less than a minute. He or she could’ve copied and pasted the same message to everyone who gave money, with the odd tweak. It could be done whilst watching tv or waiting for a train.

With cards specifically, I think it's wise to acknowledge that there are quite varied views on them now. Some people think of them as polite and nice gestures, but not everyone attributes any value to them and there are people who actively dont want them so there's no reciprocal obligation. Most of our social circles probably contain some of both. If you are doing them, its best to do them for yourself because you enjoy it.

This is as distinct from thank you texts, what's apps etc.