Things my husband asked me today (light hearted)

[ButtSurgery]

So far today:

Sent him to Lidl with a small shopping list. Phoned to ask whether cottage cheese is the same thing as sour cream and if not, where is it in the shop.

Phoned again to ask how big is 2 pints of milk and is that different from 2 litres of milk.

Phoned later from the local garage to ask if I wanted a new tyre on the car as it has a nail through it and a slow puncture. He is at the garage for an appointment to get the front tyres checked and replaced if needed anyway as they were around the legal minimum.

Phoned again to tell me his work have bounced his expenses because he needs to send them to another email address. What is the email address he needs to contact? (note we work for wholly unrelated employers).

What time is the dog walker coming? Does he need to be here to hand her over or does the dog walker come in with a key and pick her up? (note we have had the walker for months and he knows the drill is to hand the dog over!)

What time am I finishing work? SAME TIME I FINISHED EVERY BLOODY DAY.

Oh there's more but they are the stand out ones. He needs to fuck off back to sea.

My ex husband who has a degree in bio chemistry when I was pregnant with our twins… “I wonder why thier heartbeats aren’t the same rhythm”
me: “They are two different people”

This Sunday tell him 2 sausages and 3 rashers of bacon. When he then goes “really but you never eat it?” You can go so why do you keep asking!!!

Really need the laughing emoji for this

Whenever we are on holiday somewhere new I get a hundred questions about bus and taxi fares, distances, restaurant choices, on and on.

” don’t know, I haven’t been here before either!”

I’m worried my 6yr old is following in his father’s footsteps - he asked me at lunchtime “Mummy, where’s my egg?”
It was right on the plate under his nose and he’d already eaten some!!

Ex husband also lost his wallet for a week, blamed the kids, had us both turning both houses upside down to find it. It was in the key pot where always kept. I’ll admit I struggle to find it funny anymore.

Lighthearted but…he sounds like a complete idiot. Highly unattractive.

Was his brain always mush or has he simply become too lazy to think?

I would stop answering the phone. This is anything by light-hearted.

I was stood outside a shop the other day, a lady had tied up her rather odd but cute looking dog. I assume it was a mongrel. Man comes past “is this your dog?” “No, it’s a ladies who is in the shop” ”what breed is it?”………..”I dunno, it’s not my dog?!”

"am I hungry?"

Baffling

I’m at not needy it’s down right incompetence. I could ask a 10 years old to get me a specific size of milk and they wouldn’t know they check the labels if they weren’t sure.

Promise me that you’re raising your sons to be less incompetent…

Ooohhhh, I just had a hot flush at that 😍

I had a funny one when I first met DH because he asked me to write down some tasks I wanted his help with, and when I did he shrugged and said "I can't read your writing."

I was so used to lazy arseholes who found any excuse not to lift a finger that this sent me into a spin, until I realised he meant it literally 😳😂 I don't think decades of keyboard work have done my handwriting any favours!

As soon as I printed it clearly, he was off like a shot to get things done 🤩

Have you seen my pen? - it was on the kitchen table

what time do I need to leave for my meeting - he goes every week starts at the same time every week. Said he was confused cos the kids were off school and he normally times his journey around the school run.

can DS1 make football training? he’s 9 your taking him so I guess that’s up to you!!

I could also hear him asking the kids who the tshirt was on the clothes airer despite there being a 5 year age gap and them obviously being completely different sizes 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I will!! Good idea, thank you.

It drove me insane. In the end I snapped. I stopped answering calls, WhatsApps and other forms of messaging and complaints of being ignored/ left on read were met with the single message that I was at work, same as him and I do not exist as a human house appliance / computer/ calendar / search engine. Thought the message was loud and clear and all stopped for a while.
Then daughter came home from uni for the summer. The other day she came into my office (I WFH) and asked why her dad was texting her and asking her all these questions and to do all this stuff for him. I hit the roof…my daughter has now learned she will never be dealing with weaponised incompetence from anyone!!!

Mine are very rough so I can’t feel a great deal, however my face, arms, neck, legs and eyes aren’t rough, so it has had zero impact on my ability to wash clothes.

My DH can wash clothes, that wasn't the problem 🙄

To be fair to men, I've done the phone thing too. I was on the phone to my friend, needed my phone to look something up and was panicking to her (over the PHONE) about not being able to find my phone. She said absolutely nothing, she was probably wondering what the hell I was talking about.

One of the perks of marrying a builder. Nothing ever gets left around the house 😍

As Sabrina carpenter once said
‘’stupid, or is it slow? Maybe it’s useless? But there’s a cuter word for it, I know.. man child’ !!!

describes your Dh perfectly

I think it was the combination of the rough capable hands that gave me a little shiver 😜

Stop bragging 😂😂😂💗

My husband has done exactly this, while talking to me on his phone!!

Can't help it🥰🤣

Tape measures are commonly are 150 cm long. One side is in cm - he may not know how many cm there are in a metre.

Or, he may have only looked at the other side which was marked in inches.

I blame his Maths teacher. 😉

I have a plastic box which came full of useful sewing things - elastic, thread and so on.
The tape measure is marked on one side in metric units, going up to 150cm. The other side is labelled in 'inches' for the same length, with evenly spaced divisions going up to 45 inches.

(150 cm is about 1cm less than 60 inches)

I've taken to say I am not your brain please stop trying to use mine instead of yours.