Things my husband asked me today (light hearted)

[ButtSurgery]

So far today:

Sent him to Lidl with a small shopping list. Phoned to ask whether cottage cheese is the same thing as sour cream and if not, where is it in the shop.

Phoned again to ask how big is 2 pints of milk and is that different from 2 litres of milk.

Phoned later from the local garage to ask if I wanted a new tyre on the car as it has a nail through it and a slow puncture. He is at the garage for an appointment to get the front tyres checked and replaced if needed anyway as they were around the legal minimum.

Phoned again to tell me his work have bounced his expenses because he needs to send them to another email address. What is the email address he needs to contact? (note we work for wholly unrelated employers).

What time is the dog walker coming? Does he need to be here to hand her over or does the dog walker come in with a key and pick her up? (note we have had the walker for months and he knows the drill is to hand the dog over!)

What time am I finishing work? SAME TIME I FINISHED EVERY BLOODY DAY.

Oh there's more but they are the stand out ones. He needs to fuck off back to sea.

I am reading this thread in fits of giggles 😂

My DH is horrendous with dates. I book a week off work, tell him about the dates. Time goes by and he’ll ask me to text them to him so they are written down, fine. They are also on a list stuck to the front of the fridge which you cannot miss.
2 weeks later - “what week are you off work again?” I respond, remind him they are etched in font size 20 on the front of the fridge and have been sent to him by text. We will discuss said annual leave over and over again until the week before where he realises he had forgotten the dates, hasn’t booked the time off work, asks for them to be text through again. Will then say I really should have reminded him.

Luckily he is competent in all other areas of life!

Or follows you around like a little lost puppy if you disappear for more than two mins

When we kids couldn't find something after a very brief glance, my exasperated mum used to say, "Do you just expect it to pop up and say, 'Here I am!'"

2 pints =1.137 litres … tell him this OP! 🤣😳😉

How did they end up running the world?

To be fair, I stopped having sugar in my coffee when I was about 13 years old. Yet my mother carried on asking me if I wanted sugar in my drink for the next 30 years.

As soon as he leaves to go shopping, turn your phone on silent & leave him to it. He'll have to ask the shop assistant if cottage cheese and sour cream is the sane thing......

Yeah, and look at the bloody state of it!

My DH will say 'can you look up xyz on your phone?' When he's sat there and has his phone next to him 🙄 last night he asked me to look something up whilst I was researching something for DD, something totally unrelated. My answer of 'no, I'm busy, you can do that on your own phone' caused a miniscule huff.

And using his phone to take pics; its always 'oh you take better photos then me' (I'm no david bailey) or 'your camera is better' (its not, same phone)..he has no pics of me on his phone at all, unless they've been taken by the kids. All just excuses for being lazy!

The other day I was going round the house wondering where on earth I’d put my phone, when I realised that it was in my hand.

Me too! I have been known to have a pair of glasses on my nose and a pair on the top of my head! I can't read etc with them on so spend a lot of time looking for them.

The mental picture of an adult male putting his bits in boys pants and wearing all day is hilarious.
I can't even begin to imagine what him walking looked like.🤣🤣

I haven’t lived with anyone with that particular irritating trait, plenty of others but not that one. If I did, I might be inclined to say, “like a genii granting wishes, I’m going to allow you 3 questions a day. Choose them wisely.”

You have the patience of a saint

Last year DH phoned me to ask which tie went best with his blue striped shirt. I answered. He then rang me straight back to ask about cufflinks.

I was actually in a different country to him.

Bloody useless men. I have 3 in my house and sometimes it’s a worry whether they’ll be able to stand up and speak at the same time.

Brute force, arrogance and entitlement.

You married a right thicko.

Because we were busy doing Everything Else...

Nora Ephron did a riff in Heartburn about men asking where things are: “And if you say to him…’in the refrigerator’… and he goes to look, an interesting thing happens, a medical phenomenon that has not been sufficiently remarked upon. The effect of the refrigerator light on the male cornea. Blindness….. ‘I don’t see it anywhere.'”

When mine asks, I just say 'I'm not Alexa!' Or I do a fake-Alexa answer (or at least I think so, we don't have Alexa, I'm just busking it)...

My DH gives the NHS, garage and dentist MY mobile phone number instead of his own. So I have to verbally relay messages to him. He rarely checks his phone (or answers it) which drives me mad.

If he goes to the supermarket my shopping lists have to be exactly specific or he will come back with some ridiculous alternative, think a carton of UHT milk instead of fresh, grated cheese instead of a block. Bread in particular is a nightmare because he'll come back with an expensive huge sourdough loaf instead of a thick sliced toastie. It probably takes me longer to sort out the list so that he cannot misunderstand it than it would for me to actually do the shopping.
And he always buys a special treat for me, usually something that I can't eat (not GF), or don't eat (special offer/out of date thin sliced ham is a favourite).

My dh is generally good but he had a shower and I'd washed the bath mat and forgot to put a clean one out. ( I do the laundry because I'm a control freak). Anyway he came out and asked if we had another mat as it was awkward to get dry without one so i asked him why he hadn't stood on the hand towel. He looked at me like i had suggested the earth was square. Sometimes the most obvious things pass him by. To be fair to him he does have mild cognitive impairment.

I'm also married to this man . Walked into Barcelona cathedral, neither of us ever visited before, asked me where the toilet was.power cut at the weekend on our close , woke us up as all the neighbours house alarms went off , he woke up , saw I had also just woken up and asked me was it the full town and how long it would last. Few of a long list I'm adding to my "" is my wife. Wikipedia """book

but why is that funny?

How does he get through life….how do you stay married??

This thread is making me hyperventilate 😂

My favourite one today was him calling me FIVE TIMES to ask where the dried cranberries were in Morrisons and getting super irritated when I missed the calls (they were on Whatsapp which I don’t have notifications switched on for and I was deep in food prep). Spoiler alert: when I called back, he still hadn’t asked anyone in the actual bloody store where they stocked them and was mightily put out when I said I was not intimately familiar with the current location of Morrison’s dried fruit selections. Le sigh.

Also, he asked why he had no boxers that weren’t damp from being washed this morning (and was equally annoyed when I said ‘well, did you do a wash when they were running low? Or even tell me you were running low? That might be why you have no clean, dry boxers’).

Oh, oh and dire muttering about how we were going to be late to a plumbing showroom and it would shut before we got there. Note, I did tell him we’d have to leave at 0930 - we had loads to do around the house before we left so I got up at 7am.

He emerged at 0910, went for a shower and then tutted as I finished the necessary housework and we finally left at 0957. You want to leave on time? Then get up earlier and do some of the stuff that needs sorting so we both finish earlier.

Honestly, he has so many amazing qualities and I love him very much. But today has tested my bloody patience 😂

EDIT: almost forgot - I asked him to divvy up the roast salmon and veggies this evening so I could sit my 31-week pregnant arse down and he said he’d need me to tell him if he was splitting it evenly enough and where to cut the salmon. 🤯🤯🤯 Sweetest, kindest, most wonderful guy I know, I swear.

Yep - mine is exactly the same. ‘Do you want me to get the washing in?’. ‘Is it dry?’ ‘Erm…I don’t know…?’