To give up my bedroom for my adult children?

[maliafawn]

Im pretty sure im not, but the reactions of “i could never” from friends and family has me questioning what other options people would see in this situation.

i have 3 children, all about to turn 22 19 and 17. The two eldest are boys, youngest a girl. My eldest was diagnosed autistic at a young age, was working until recently when his mental health took a nose dive. He doesnt have the financial skills or maturity to live independently. 19 year old is about to start uni, has a part time job, but the uni is 5 mins from out home, and i dont have the money to supplement him at uni, him staying at home gives him the best possible chance of success. Youngest is about to start alevels and obviously theres no question about her being here.

We have a 3 bed house. The idea when we moved here was for the boys to share - this didnt happen. So my middle son took to sleeping downstairs, and set up his computer etc there too. The living room is a huge living/dining room. So there was space to do so. This meant i had the biggest room, daughter the next, eldest the box room.

However, this means the living room is chaos. It doesnt funtion as he sleeps late due to his part time job and when hes in here gaming on voice chat its not functioning for everyone else. He needs his own space, its not his fault hes in a shared space currently, he needs more space for uni, but to also enjoy his free time and hobbies.

i have also started a WFH job recently.

My plan is to divide the living room into two spaces using a Japanese room divider screen. The side with the door to the room becomes a functional living room with the 2 sofas tv and bookcases etc. The other side i can fit my king bed and my desk chair and shelving i use for working, each side will have its own large window too. I can clear out the understairs to store my clothing and shoes and anything else thats mine. Then move my daughter to the big room as it has the best storage that she needs the most, middle son to the mid sized room, and eldest stays in the box room. This gives everyone space they need. And tbh the living room is mostly used by me these days anyway, when i can use it in peace. The room divider screens mean i can still use it when people are round. The room is more than big enough to fit everything in how i plan with still plenty of space to move around. We haven't had a dining area since we moved in so that isnt needed.

But the response i have gotten has been mixed, mostly people saying im mad. I’ve discussed it with some people as i dont drive and need to take some stuff to the tip, and i also asked a family member if they could take me to IKEA for some bits, its also just cropped up in conversation about how we are spending the summer break since bedrooms need redecorating and the whole house is being shifted about and organised. We havent actually started moving things yet, just organising our own belongings and getting rid of stuff ww no longer need.

Given the space we have, and the needs of the individuals in the household, and moving is absolutely not an option, how would you set up the household?

Homes are designed to be lived in. If that means you need to be a bit unconventional then so be it. You live in it, it doesn't need to be traditional and be looking like a showhome. The people you've spoken to are very narrow minded. You still continue to have the same outgoings but everyone gets their space. The middle and youngest will no doubt be spreading their wings in the next 5-7 years and you might only have until then before you get a room back. YANBU.

DH and I have done the same, with two of us and one fewer bedroom / child. We have a two bed apartment, with two children who has really outgrown sharing a room. So we sacrificed our dining area, and partitioned it off to give us a sleeping area. We bought a much smaller dining table that fits in the living room - just. But tbh DH and I more or less have the sleeping / living space to ourselves as the boys both stay in their rooms mostly, and socialise / entertain there too as that’s where the PlayStations are and they have space for armchairs / beanbags.

I’ve never felt my bedroom is my sanctuary- I’ve shared my sleeping space with babies, toddlers, DH for 25 years now - this is just one more stage. A bed is comfortable surface to sleep on - that’s really all I ask of it.

and needs must!

Yes this.
It seems like a practical solutions which you've spent time considering.

You were asking these people for a lift to Ikea and to help move some furniture.

You weren't asking them for permission to do it.

Is their help conditional on you taking their advice and changing your plans?

Don't doubt yourself, you know your home and your children better than they do. You sound like a great mum BTW..
Ps. You can always hire a "man with a van" and they probably won't start giving advice.

I think the child going to uni should move in to halls. Plenty of people manage the finances without parental contribution. Then they can have the dining room as a bedroom in the holidays.
Hopefully your daughter will follow on in 2 years and then you’ll be 2 adults in a 3 bed and all will be well.

Living at home for uni is daft when there is clearly not enough apace.

@FancyCatSlave there's nothing daft about saving - or simply not being able to afford - £200 a week.

Sounds like a good idea to me!

Try it for a while. If it doesn't work you have to go back to the drawing board and start again, but it is worth a try - unless you entertain a lot, that is?

Perhaps a sofa bed might be a good idea?

That sounds like an awful lot of hassle, but I do see that you are pushed for options. Sorry I said it sounds hellish before - but truly that's what popped into my head. I'd go mad without a quiet space of my own with a real door and a wall - but if I had no choice, I guess I would just get usd to it.

I think it's great that you are trying to look after your family as best you can and it won't be forever, it is a safe home and you are a good mum.

Your plan sounds thoughtful and practical, balancing everyone’s needs within limited space. Using the large living room as your bedroom/workspace frees up actual bedrooms for the kids, which makes sense given their ages and needs. It's not “mad” at all—it’s smart, adaptive parenting.

Because none of the available bedrooms are a suitable bedroom + workspace, and what son wants to do in a bedroom is game and be loud, which means the adjoining living space would be unusable by anyone wanting to sit watching tv/read a book/talk to other people.

@maliafawn you're an ace mum and I'd like to think I'd do exactly the same in a heartbeat.
😍

I think it's a very sensible solution. I agree with the pp who suggested IKEA Kallax units as a "wall". One of my friends has done this very effectively in her flat to create a second bedroom in her huge L shaped lounge/diner. It will give you loads of storage space as well.

But each child will have their own bedroom where they can game, watch TV etc.

We did this last house stud wall inexpensive but more permanent and made it into a proper extra room tbh.

She already said it wasn't big enough to do this...

It shows creativity as a parent, also that you can solve problems without the knee jerk reaction of buying a larger property which is unnecessary long term. The OP like myself will have adult children eventually moving out wanting their own space so it's unwise to move house at this point...

We meet friends outside our home so having a tiny living room is a non issue. Only grandparents occasionally visit. I prefer it this way tbh. All the DC love going to their rooms listening to music or gaming etc. It's only wee ones who hang around watching TV.

You sound like a brilliant mum who is doing her best, you’ve got to do what works for your family ❤️

I have a pal who gave her child her room and she took the box room. She really only slept in room whereas child had games and watched TV. It made sense.

It sounds sensible but it is your house so do what is right for you

This. Tricky circumstances, but I think that is the best solution in them.

Good luck!

OP you sound like an amazing mum who is looking after the wellbeing of everyone in the house, including your own. Loving all the useless responses saying oh it’s hellish, oh I couldn’t do it, oh this is martyrdom…all from people who are in a different situation to you. They say they wouldn’t/couldn’t do it because they have never had to and they had other options. Or chose other options that worked for their specific circumstances. There are people in the world living in truly hellish conditions. You only need to open look at the news every day. A 3 bed house full of loving family members who look after each other is not hellish and some people can only dream of growing up in a loving environment like this. Best of luck to you and just ignore the naysayers.

I’d personally put you in the biggest room and have that as your work space as well as your bedroom? You need somewhere to be able to get away to from everyone and you need to prioritise yourself as the bill earner and payer snd manager of everything! You won’t get any sleep etc and your eldest Autist needs giving rules on when he can and can’t game as he can’t be allowed to rule the house with his noise and activity! I say that as a parent of an autistic older child who does exactly the same thing and I had to make it very clear that between the hours of 10pm and whatever that he needs to either sleep or do something quiet as the rest of the house needs to sleep and when working from home he also need to be quiet! He shouldnt be allowed unlimited gaming anyway as that’s not good for him. I know it’s the easiest way to manage him and keep him happy but everyone else suffers

My desk doesnt fit in the largest bedroom.

My eldest autistic son isnt the gamer, he doesnt get free rein of the house. I dont “manage” a 22 year old by sitting him infront of games. He, infact, has an outdoor hobby and is massively into bikes, scooters, and skateboarding. He occasionally games, but you are more likely to find him watching videos, quietly, of stunt riders.

I dont understand this MN fascination of giving out blanket unsolicited advice for “managing” ND when its a spectrum that affects children and adults in such a massive range of ways. I didnt ask for any suggestions for my son, i mentioned it for context as to why he wont be moving out in the near future.

My middle son is a gamer, who also works and is starting uni. He has played the same game for many years at a very high level, a level so high he has generated income from gaming, however his job means his free time to enjoy his hobby is in the evening/night and he cant play it in the day if he is home as im working in the space. As i cannot put my desk, which needs to be big enough for a laptop and multiple monitors, anywhere else in the house.

Is the house your own? If it is, is it extendable? Do you have a garage?

Some people have put a shed in the garden for their children to work/play in. There are some very good sheds on the market, if you have a garden.