To give up my bedroom for my adult children?

[maliafawn]

Im pretty sure im not, but the reactions of “i could never” from friends and family has me questioning what other options people would see in this situation.

i have 3 children, all about to turn 22 19 and 17. The two eldest are boys, youngest a girl. My eldest was diagnosed autistic at a young age, was working until recently when his mental health took a nose dive. He doesnt have the financial skills or maturity to live independently. 19 year old is about to start uni, has a part time job, but the uni is 5 mins from out home, and i dont have the money to supplement him at uni, him staying at home gives him the best possible chance of success. Youngest is about to start alevels and obviously theres no question about her being here.

We have a 3 bed house. The idea when we moved here was for the boys to share - this didnt happen. So my middle son took to sleeping downstairs, and set up his computer etc there too. The living room is a huge living/dining room. So there was space to do so. This meant i had the biggest room, daughter the next, eldest the box room.

However, this means the living room is chaos. It doesnt funtion as he sleeps late due to his part time job and when hes in here gaming on voice chat its not functioning for everyone else. He needs his own space, its not his fault hes in a shared space currently, he needs more space for uni, but to also enjoy his free time and hobbies.

i have also started a WFH job recently.

My plan is to divide the living room into two spaces using a Japanese room divider screen. The side with the door to the room becomes a functional living room with the 2 sofas tv and bookcases etc. The other side i can fit my king bed and my desk chair and shelving i use for working, each side will have its own large window too. I can clear out the understairs to store my clothing and shoes and anything else thats mine. Then move my daughter to the big room as it has the best storage that she needs the most, middle son to the mid sized room, and eldest stays in the box room. This gives everyone space they need. And tbh the living room is mostly used by me these days anyway, when i can use it in peace. The room divider screens mean i can still use it when people are round. The room is more than big enough to fit everything in how i plan with still plenty of space to move around. We haven't had a dining area since we moved in so that isnt needed.

But the response i have gotten has been mixed, mostly people saying im mad. I’ve discussed it with some people as i dont drive and need to take some stuff to the tip, and i also asked a family member if they could take me to IKEA for some bits, its also just cropped up in conversation about how we are spending the summer break since bedrooms need redecorating and the whole house is being shifted about and organised. We havent actually started moving things yet, just organising our own belongings and getting rid of stuff ww no longer need.

Given the space we have, and the needs of the individuals in the household, and moving is absolutely not an option, how would you set up the household?

I think your solution is the best, because as things are currently, the son who is sleeping in the living room controls / messes up the communal space. If you move around so that all the kids have their own space, you can confine their activities and mess to their own rooms. Dividing the big room sounds very sensible and actually gives you back a shared space that you can make sure is kept clear of everyone's clutter. One or more of the children will eventually leave and get their own places and then you can have a re-think. Anyone who doesn't live in your house can mind their own business - don't bother discussing it with anyone who hasn't got anything helpful to say!

But im also getting what i want, which is the calm quiet living room space to relax in of an eve and spend more time with them watching shows we enjoy together when we can, have people over and be in a proper functional cosy living room, instead of one that has all my sons gaming stuff in. I value that more than a room to sleep in at the minute and its what im missing. I want to sit on my sofa with a blankets soft lamp light a glass of wine and my cats and read a book, without listening to my son call out game plays constantly smashing away on his keyboard.

And yes i did ask, because i was interested if anyone could suggest something that meets the needs of the people in my household, as those who have responded negatively couldnt suggest an alternative so i wondered how they can justify the “your mad” response when its the only workable solution. Your suggestion also doesnt meet the needs of everyone in the household, my needs which is a calm game free living room soace, nor those of my two sons who for various reasons can no longer share a bedroom.

Exactly this. I think what im gaining is more valuable to me than what im losing in this situation. I dislike reading and watching tv in bed, i want to use my sofas in peace!

If you feel your suggestion meets the requirements of everyone in your household, then you don’t need external validation. I have suggested compromises, that with appropriate tweaks and some fleshing out could meet those needs. But it’s obviously different to your proposal. If you like your proposal, then hot foot it to ikea and live your best life OP 😀

The plan sounds good but why can’t your son take the new downstairs bedroom?

I think that you are doing the right thing, someone I know had a two bedroom with three children, huge living room and she refused to give up the biggest bedroom. They were all miserable. It would have been so much better had she moved to her living room and partitioned it off or got a sofa bed etc. instead she relinquished her lifetime council tenancy for a privately rented home. Although I understand the need for space I also worry about their security in the future. Your situation is temporary, your middle son will likely move out in the near future so I think moving downstairs is the best solution to you ur space issue

I think it is a lovely thing you are doing for your children and putting thier well being first.

But do consider if there is anything you can do for your wellbeing, particularly as you are giving up a room and adapting to meet everyone's needs. Can you give yourself a fund within your budget to have a few nights away in a nice hotel; or another activity that will be restful for you?

Its exactly what my mum did when I was 14. I shared with DSis in a 2 bed and we did not get on at all, so DM moved into our front room and the dining room/kitchen space became our living room.

I am forever grateful she did this.

Why not divide the largest bedroom for your 2 sons? Then you have a bedroom for yourself.

Because even the largest bedroom isn’t big enough to divide into two useable spaces. Currently it has my bed and 2 bedside tables in and thats it. It has inbuilt wardrobes for storage but the floor space isnt loads. The next biggest room has slightly less floor space and no inbuilt storage, with a single bed that has underbed storage, my daughter also has space for some additional drawers and a desk. The floor space of all 3 bedrooms is basically equal to the floorspace of the living/dining room. As the upstairs is kind of set back from the front of the house downstairs.

To the poster who asked why my son cant have the created downstairs bedroom, this is because it wouldnt solve the problem of me wanting a useable family living room, partitioned off i would still be able to hear him game. I also need space in the living room for my desk to work, i dont want to do that in his bedroom for obvious reasons.

Yip I think that's a good plan op.

I have one friend with a lift up bed that goes up during the day. That works well for them.

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It would definitely work- but TBH leaving yourself without a bedroom is a bit mad- you need good quality sleep which will be much harder for you than your children. So it will work but it smacks somewhat of martyrdom, as a person who has lived as an adult in the living room for 2 years it is not to be taken lightly how much not having your own space will affect your sleep and your mental health, and the inconvenience of having to stow everything before anyone gets up so it functions as a living room.

Want is very different to need. Not everyone can afford the ideal living space, and some people choose to prioritise their children over themselves if they haven't got the resources to afford the ideal house.

🙄

Yeah, her son just decided this for the rest of them. Bit odd really.

I wouldnt have to stow anything, they would be two separate areas with a screen/divider. I can even get one long enough so that entire side of the room is behind a screen, the area for sleeping would not be used as a family space at all.

Well that's something- make sure you have a proper bed, I used a sofa bed and they are not viable long term!

You say you work from home, what will happen when they want to use the living room? They're unlikely to never want to watch TV or hang out in the living room during working hours, and what about school holidays?

Sounds like good idea to me

It's none of anyone else's business! If it's working for you then it's the right decision!

She literally posted asking people for opinions 😅🙂😆

They dont use the living room while im working. They are out, or they have the ability to watch tv in their room, the same as now. Currently my middle son uses his computer with headset on when he is here, but hes not able to use voice chat. Its only until 4pm they cant use it. Its unfortunately again just how it is, i had to change jobs recently due to my own health and being physically unable to do my previous role. So they had to compromise on that (to the poster who said its only me compromising). I literally had no other options until i can move to the hybrid role which is after a certain level of training is complete.

I thankfully wont have to give up my king bed as it fits.

I think you are genius! I also would do anything to help my young adult DC out should they ever need to return home too-they didn’t ask to be born and I accept that I am their rock as long as I am able to be. I’ve actually lived at both ends of the ‘space spectrum’ myself - I’ve realised I could live in a tiny space so long as I could make it mine and Ddogs could be accommodated. Enjoy your ‘snug’ and revel in the love and closeness of your family unit while you can. Good luck OP.