To give up my bedroom for my adult children?

[maliafawn]

Im pretty sure im not, but the reactions of “i could never” from friends and family has me questioning what other options people would see in this situation.

i have 3 children, all about to turn 22 19 and 17. The two eldest are boys, youngest a girl. My eldest was diagnosed autistic at a young age, was working until recently when his mental health took a nose dive. He doesnt have the financial skills or maturity to live independently. 19 year old is about to start uni, has a part time job, but the uni is 5 mins from out home, and i dont have the money to supplement him at uni, him staying at home gives him the best possible chance of success. Youngest is about to start alevels and obviously theres no question about her being here.

We have a 3 bed house. The idea when we moved here was for the boys to share - this didnt happen. So my middle son took to sleeping downstairs, and set up his computer etc there too. The living room is a huge living/dining room. So there was space to do so. This meant i had the biggest room, daughter the next, eldest the box room.

However, this means the living room is chaos. It doesnt funtion as he sleeps late due to his part time job and when hes in here gaming on voice chat its not functioning for everyone else. He needs his own space, its not his fault hes in a shared space currently, he needs more space for uni, but to also enjoy his free time and hobbies.

i have also started a WFH job recently.

My plan is to divide the living room into two spaces using a Japanese room divider screen. The side with the door to the room becomes a functional living room with the 2 sofas tv and bookcases etc. The other side i can fit my king bed and my desk chair and shelving i use for working, each side will have its own large window too. I can clear out the understairs to store my clothing and shoes and anything else thats mine. Then move my daughter to the big room as it has the best storage that she needs the most, middle son to the mid sized room, and eldest stays in the box room. This gives everyone space they need. And tbh the living room is mostly used by me these days anyway, when i can use it in peace. The room divider screens mean i can still use it when people are round. The room is more than big enough to fit everything in how i plan with still plenty of space to move around. We haven't had a dining area since we moved in so that isnt needed.

But the response i have gotten has been mixed, mostly people saying im mad. I’ve discussed it with some people as i dont drive and need to take some stuff to the tip, and i also asked a family member if they could take me to IKEA for some bits, its also just cropped up in conversation about how we are spending the summer break since bedrooms need redecorating and the whole house is being shifted about and organised. We havent actually started moving things yet, just organising our own belongings and getting rid of stuff ww no longer need.

Given the space we have, and the needs of the individuals in the household, and moving is absolutely not an option, how would you set up the household?

@maliafawn sounds like it is the best option. The only thing is to maybe caveat to the kids that who goes where is ultimately your decision and it’s subject to change. I’m thinking of your DD - so she doesn’t assume it’s permanent. I think it could work well though.

Sleeping downstairs has had a few unexpected benefits:

1. When I bleed through my pyjamas at that time of the month I just wander through to the kitchen to dump my soiled stuff in the machine. No stairs involved.
2. When the dog has been unsettled in the kitchen and needs out to the garden to be sick or has diarrhoea, I just wander through to the kitchen and let her out the back. No stairs involved.
3. Washing facilities. Soon getting a wet room installed downstairs along from my bedroom where I won't need to walk upstairs to the family bathroom to get a shower. Again, soon no stairs to go up and down.

DH and I are getting older and need to have less cleaning to do and have everything on one level. I love it!!

Its exactly the right thing to do.
You don't need a bigger house, in 4/5 years likely to younger 2 will have grown and flown.
You fabulous pragmatic person. Ignore anyone who expresses a different view!

One couldn't possibly live in less than a mansion these days...at least 12 beds, thanks. Nothing less! 🤪

Great plan. Make it as private as possible with dividers. They are actually not too difficult to make with inexpensive curtains.
You sound like a wonderful mother.

I also do this. It's not ideal - I have a single bed behind a screen in the living room, which also houses the front door opening onto a busy road - but it's the best solution for us.

It sounds like the right solution.

You are saving so much by your son living at home for uni, I would be tempted to save up for a proper stud wall if it's possible with your room design. Keeping a separate, genuinely shared space has value I think, vs one that you always have first dibs on because it's also your bedroom. Even if your children don't use it much at the moment, by having it there it is keeping the door open to you spending more time together in future. It's easier for them to join you in a communal space than "come into your bedroom".

Of course whatever you’re happy with and works for you is the right choice. As long as you genuinely feel you’d be happy in that set up? I wouldn’t, I’d hate it. I’d insist the boys share the big room and that would be that. Then turn the downstairs room into a separate office/snug/gaming area/multi-use room so they each have the chance to get some space from one another. Even if one wanted to continue sleeping on the sofa, at least you’d all have a designated bedroom sonetimes.

Do it. But as other people have suggested and if it's feasible put s studded wall in with a door so its more private. I used to live in a small 2 bed flat with my 3 sons (at the time they were 17, 3 and 2) and I had to do this to facilitate my 2 stepsons (aged 13 and 14) moving in full time unexpectedly. We made it work xx

But this is what it is now and it doesnt work. My bedroom currently isnt big enough to fit my desk for work, so i use the downstairs, which means my son cant game in the day when hes home. Of an evening when he wants to game hes on voice (the game he plays depends on that as its team based not solo), which means i cant relax and watch tv etc, i have to go to my bedroom, which i dont want to do, it feels isolating. I want to sit on a sofa and watch tv, or read a book, or do anything. I want a family area that can be used by everyone in the evening. And although it will have restrictions in that i want to sleep at a reasonable time, it will be useable by everyone 4pm-11pmish daily, and all day at the weekend.

Turning it into a gaming space combined office space that one boy can sleep in if they want is literally the current issue i am trying to solve.

It sounds sensible to me. The only other option I'd consider (if possible) is a wooden annex for the eldest as it will give him the ultimate space and may help develop an in-between stage that might lead to independence. But you're the expert of your own family of course so I wish you luck in your transition.

As for others, well it's easy to say what you'd do in any given situation... different in reality though.

It s nothing to do with anyone else.
Just try it and see.
Practice some lines "it works for us thanks for your input" smile and wave

🙄

I think it's a sensible plan. When I lived in a 2 bed flat with my twins, and it became apparent they couldn't share due to one boy's disabilities, they had a room each and I slept in the living room.
I would do the same in your situation as well. Out of the 3 of us, I spend the least amount of time in a bedroom, so it would make sense. I prefer being in the living room or kitchen to my bedroom.

I suspect many people are stuck in the mind frame that the parents should always have the biggest/best room.

I can only tell you what I’d do in your situation and what choices I’d make. Why isn’t it working now? Because the young adults in your house all want to do what they want unhindered…but mum has to make all the sacrifices and compromises. That wouldn’t be for me. The boys would share the big bedroom , with a partition, and they’d have to work together to cone up with a timetable/solution for gaming/music. They’d be allowed to use the partitioned off area of the living space that you’d designate office/snug during your non-working time and to an extent that they didn’t prevent people chilling out in the lounge. You could also look at reconfiguring your room/changing furniture to fit your desk into, which would give them the run of the snug during the daytime. I just wouldn’t be giving up my bedroom and bending over backwards for everyone else with them making no compromises.

I think what matters is that it feels doable for you - which it seems to.

My one concern is what your long term plan is for your eldest son. I've worked with a lot of people who are ND and often parents instincts are to keep them as close as possible for as long as possible. But then there comes a point where those parents get older and less able to provide the support they were providing and then it's a scramble to get the person set up with a new flat and manage bills and learn living skills etc and actually it would have been better to do it earlier so there was less pressure on it and parents were able to provide that support until they were up on their feet. There are tenancy support services etc available for young people who may be vulnerable living alone? Would that be something worth considering if your ds's mental health starts to improve eventually?
Would there be flats near to you?

We have kallax and using them as a way to divide a room is a good idea.

And OP, you do what you need to. At some point the two youngest will move out and you can claim a room back.

Loft and/or garage conversion ?

Even the biggest bedroom isnt big enough to partition.

The biggest bedroom i currently have isnt big enough for me to work from, which is why my desk is in the living room. The upstairs floor area is smaller than the downstairs in my house.

Both myself and the boys cant have use of the same bedroom for that plan to work.

My boys shared for years, up until last year. Theres reasons they no longer share and why my middle son refused on moving here. My autistic eldest doesnt share space well, he sleeps very little and wakes early, which doesnt gel with my younger son’s lifestyle. Theres more reasons i dont need to go into, but ultimately, a 22 year ild and a 19 year old regardless of any ND reasons, arent going to want to share a room.

i haven’t compromised my room in the year we have lived here. Ive tried the alternative and it just isnt working. I want a peaceful home, which is only going to happen if all 3 have a private space.

But also, its their home too. They have equal right to enjoy it. At the minute no one, bar the eldest, is enjoying the limited space we have. The eldest is very happy in his little box room with everything he wants in there, which is why im not moving him and unsettled him more. But no one else is. If this works, it helps everyone. And if it doesnt, as others have said, its not permanent. And im willing to sacrifice my bedroom for the few years required.

I dont own the property, its council rented. So whilst i can make changes that are removable, i cant do anything permanent. I can use the living room partitioned off as a bedroom space though as there is no fireplace in the room.

i also dont have any outside space to utilise at all.

Its something we will look i to down the line. But at the minute getting his mental health back on track and him back into work is the priority. Once he is in a good place i definitely want to explore his independence, but at the minute its not the right time. A year ago we expected to be in that place by now, and that my middle son would have his room by the time he was starting uni and none of this would be needed. He’d been in his job for 2 years and everything was going brilliantly, but unfortunately around Christmas that all changed.

Sounds very workable and sensible to me.

I moved into my conservatory so that my nephew had his own space when he came to me after a relationship split and he stayed two years. I loved the rain on the roof in the winter with my electric blanket and slept with the door open when it was hot.

Then crack on OP. You asked aibu and I think you are for the reasons stated. It wouldn’t work for me and I wouldn’t do it in your situation. That age gap can share a room (I’ve done it). I appreciate ND adds an extra layer and it’s your choice how you manage that. My children, albeit younger, are all ND and I make different choices, but that’s ok. Whilst we all have the right to a safe and comfortable living space, I disagree that means the young adults all get what they want without compromising and mum loses a bedroom. But it’s not my house or my family so you do you OP.

I think it sounds great, given the alternatives, the best option you have.

As you won't really have people using the living area whilst you're working/sleeping, I really don't see how a curtain/screen isn't sufficient.

Asides from anything else, fitting a stud wall would mean ripping up whatever flooring is down and getting permission off the council. More hassle than it is worth!

It won’t be forever and it sounds like it’ll work for you so ignore all other comments OP!