To give up my bedroom for my adult children?

[maliafawn]

Im pretty sure im not, but the reactions of “i could never” from friends and family has me questioning what other options people would see in this situation.

i have 3 children, all about to turn 22 19 and 17. The two eldest are boys, youngest a girl. My eldest was diagnosed autistic at a young age, was working until recently when his mental health took a nose dive. He doesnt have the financial skills or maturity to live independently. 19 year old is about to start uni, has a part time job, but the uni is 5 mins from out home, and i dont have the money to supplement him at uni, him staying at home gives him the best possible chance of success. Youngest is about to start alevels and obviously theres no question about her being here.

We have a 3 bed house. The idea when we moved here was for the boys to share - this didnt happen. So my middle son took to sleeping downstairs, and set up his computer etc there too. The living room is a huge living/dining room. So there was space to do so. This meant i had the biggest room, daughter the next, eldest the box room.

However, this means the living room is chaos. It doesnt funtion as he sleeps late due to his part time job and when hes in here gaming on voice chat its not functioning for everyone else. He needs his own space, its not his fault hes in a shared space currently, he needs more space for uni, but to also enjoy his free time and hobbies.

i have also started a WFH job recently.

My plan is to divide the living room into two spaces using a Japanese room divider screen. The side with the door to the room becomes a functional living room with the 2 sofas tv and bookcases etc. The other side i can fit my king bed and my desk chair and shelving i use for working, each side will have its own large window too. I can clear out the understairs to store my clothing and shoes and anything else thats mine. Then move my daughter to the big room as it has the best storage that she needs the most, middle son to the mid sized room, and eldest stays in the box room. This gives everyone space they need. And tbh the living room is mostly used by me these days anyway, when i can use it in peace. The room divider screens mean i can still use it when people are round. The room is more than big enough to fit everything in how i plan with still plenty of space to move around. We haven't had a dining area since we moved in so that isnt needed.

But the response i have gotten has been mixed, mostly people saying im mad. I’ve discussed it with some people as i dont drive and need to take some stuff to the tip, and i also asked a family member if they could take me to IKEA for some bits, its also just cropped up in conversation about how we are spending the summer break since bedrooms need redecorating and the whole house is being shifted about and organised. We havent actually started moving things yet, just organising our own belongings and getting rid of stuff ww no longer need.

Given the space we have, and the needs of the individuals in the household, and moving is absolutely not an option, how would you set up the household?

We did exactly this for our 3 boys for a couple of years until eldest moved out. DS2 & DS3 shared (largest room), we had a room (middle sized) & so did eldest (box room). The youngest teens needed their own space so we put DS2 in our room, redecorated it & we moved into the living room.

Is a big enough space, so we were at one end where the dining table was & the TV, sofa etc at the other end. Worked just fine though it was a squeeze.

Honestly I loved it cos our bed was nestled among my biggest houseplants. DH's family thought we were mad to give up our room but we literally only slept in it whereas teens use & need the space much more than adults afaiac.

Now eldest has moved out & we're in his box room (space for a king size bed, side tables & that's it) & I miss the living room & my plants 😭

They wouldnt need to use the living room whilst im working. Once i finish the training, which is 8am-4pm i can set my own hours between 8am-8pm and im thinking i will stick to the 8-4 im doing now. It also does go hybrid after 6 months with 1 or 2 days a week in the office, or 1 week a month in the office. During work hours they just wont come into the room, they will mostly be out anyway, but they have computers in their rooms and access to kitchen etc. The living room is then free evening and weekends when we would want it as family space anyway.

The sleeping on this floor doesnt really worry me. And the working in the bedroom, its really hard to describe but the side with the bedroom has an alcove that fits the desk etc in perfectly, its where it is currently, so it already feels like a working space.

As far as my eldest moving out goes, i honestly dont know. He was doing well with his job etc until his mental health spiralled recently, so at the moment its not something we are even considering, but 6 months ago that answer would have been different. Its not something im looking into one way or the other at the minute. Im happy for him to stay at home and cross that bridge in the future. And he wants to be here to currently. He still has independence and freedom, but that safety net and support too.

Unfortunately life isnt perfect. And the 4 bed detached house with the big garden, multiple holidays a year, 2 parent household, that existed when i had 3 children no longer exists. Ive been a truly single parent, no financial support, no contact from the other parent for a decade now. A 3 bed house with no outdoor space is all i can afford. But its warm and happy and supportive and their home for as long as they need it with me having their back. As awful as it may sound to you, unfortunately this is our reality.

It sounds a very well thought through solution, OP, and that it will work for you. Yes, you lose out a bit in the short term but I suspect it will make life easier for you too in the long run. FWIW, we had a similar reaction when we swapped bedrooms with our two boys and partitioned it so they could have a small room each AND converted our en suite to a shared shower room. Something I was against initially but the only alternative was borrowing a heap of money to build an extension and then being stressed about repayments. They have a small room each now and love it, their relationship is great now (it definitely suffered as they were sharing and getting older!) and the whole family is much happier. But you’d have thought that we were moving into a tent in the garden from the reactions when I told people (but why not extend, I couldn’t do that….). My job this summer is to reduce the clutter as that will help again. And I am grateful that everyone is happy.

I think it sounds perfect . Your children are very lucky to have u as their mum 🫶

Im thinking a lift up bed too at the minute, as id lose a fair bit of storage.

im glad to hear others have done similar and it has worked for them

Live in a castle do you?

This depends on the space & if you can sort storage elsewhere in the house but..

We opted for a very low, simple, metal bed frame without a headboard that slim storage boxes could slide under. It gives the illusion of more space as the bed physically takes up less vertical room iyswim.

I think it sounds like a really logical solution to a tricky problem and like pp have said, it's not forever. Far better to do this than sink yourself into debt trying to get a larger house. Just make sure the rules are clear around protecting your quiet time and privacy.

No.

sounds perfect and I’m sure you can still store some of your belongings upstairs

It sounds like a good idea to me.

Everyone gets their own space, the house will be calm and happy.

Just make sure you spend the money you need to get your bedroom area as you want it. Don't skimp, you've already given up a bedroom. We have ottoman beds in the house which really help with storage.

Agree with others. It sounds like a very sensible solution.

Please don’t think that I think you’re doing anything other than your best in less-than-ideal circumstances! But at the same time, they are less-than-ideal but some posters seem to take objection to others (not just me) remarking on that.

I did say in my first post that this sounded like the best solution.

It seems like the best solution for you all. I would do it, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

You're a lovely, selfless mum. I don't mean to complicate the equation for you, but the one extra thing I would think about is how noisy is your middle son going to be with his gaming on voice chat or returning home late from being out with his new Uni friends and how that will impact on your eldest son who has autism and struggling with his mental health at the moment.

It may be more than just room swapping that's needed, your middle son may have to understand he needs to be more mindful of the noise he generates and what times he comes and goes etc as your eldest's small box room is probably his only safe haven. It's hard all round. Communication and trying to understand each other is key. Wishing you all the best.

Could you get a day bed ? And don’t have the ‘separation wall’ ? Treat it like a ‘sofa’, that you sleep on … then another actual sofa , a desk area and then a big cupboard for your belongings ? As you say the room is big. And then just tell them lounge is out of bounds during working hours and your sleeping time … only way to do it. You are very kind to be making such an effort to ensure everyone has a home 💛

I considered this, but i think separating it off as a living room with a screen, or some other divider will work better and make it feel like two separate areas. Theres enough room for my 3 seater and 2 seater sofas, rug, coffee table, tv unit and bookcase, which is more than enough seats and storage in that half and keeps the cosy feeling of a living room.

I also dont want to give up my lovely comfy mattress, i love my bed and all the space to myself in it lol, i dont want to have to reduce it down to day bed sized. I also dont like the idea of them having access to sit where i sleep regularly, so i defs want to make it into two “zones” one family one just for myself

It does sound like a solution as long as your DC respect not using g the lounge when you are working.
I wouldn’t mind sleeping downstairs but I couldn’t imagine trying to sleep in a cordoned off part of the living room with no noise insulation.
Is there no way that you can put up a stud work wall with at least some sound deadening insulation?

I think it sounds like a good idea. I think I’d want the ‘kids’ to have their own rooms. I’d stop asking people their opinions if I were you.

I think it sounds like a good idea. I think I’d want the ‘kids’ to have their own rooms. I’d stop asking people their opinions if I were you.

I think it sounds like a good idea. I think I’d want the ‘kids’ to have their own rooms. I’d stop asking people their opinions if I were you.

I think it sounds like a good idea. I think I’d want the ‘kids’ to have their own rooms. I’d stop asking people their opinions if I were you.

They wouldn't be using the living room whilst i slept either.

The living room is the back of the house, the front door, stairs and kitchen are all accessible without going near the living room. Same for both toilets and the bathroom. The kids all have computers and other devices that they can use when i want to sleep. I can close the door to the room at night. They will come in and watch TV or a film sometimes, but not as often anymore so it wont change all that much for them, except my middle son who will be on his computer in his room instead of the corner of what will be the living room - he already cant use him computer and voice chat while im working. So i dont want the faff or expensive of something that really isnt necessary

I think it’s a good solution. Initially I thought you were going to say swap and you get the box room, in that case I’d say absolutely not - I’ve done this with DD and absolutely regretted it!

Your idea seems great - especially because if they’re all on the same floor away from you you’ll have some peace and quiet as well.

Nevermind the nasty posters being mean spirited - I have slept on a sofa before for 2 years before being able to afford somewhere adequate. It is what it is, we try to do the best on one income.