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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

605 replies

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 24/07/2025 11:14

If it otherwise ‘won’t ever happen’, you are BVU.

If you intend to do it with your kids in the future, the it’s fair enough to say no.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 24/07/2025 16:05

@latetothefisting

No, not at all.
are you able to make a point without being snide?
it's not about minuscule firsts. The post I commented on was quite dramatic. You know that.

Lollylucyclark101 · 24/07/2025 18:23

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Yes. I think you are being selfish.

“I can’t afford to go, so my kids can’t go”

ugh!

GiveDogBone · 24/07/2025 18:27

Yes, you’re being completely selfish and unreasonable. Obviously you feel inadequate because you can’t provide the same things and should be the only one to treat them.

But if it bothers you that much, why don’t you ask them to do cheaper stuff, I mean trips to zoos, theatres, etc (which let’s face it can still add up) rather than grand-a-night lodges?

Dolphin78 · 24/07/2025 18:35

Embrace it be grateful and let the family spoil them. I would jump with joy at not having to go to Disneyland and handing that over to my sister! In the grand scheme of life it doesn’t really matter does it. There are many “firsts” and we can’t be party to them all.

DorothyStorm · 24/07/2025 18:36

GiveDogBone · 24/07/2025 18:27

Yes, you’re being completely selfish and unreasonable. Obviously you feel inadequate because you can’t provide the same things and should be the only one to treat them.

But if it bothers you that much, why don’t you ask them to do cheaper stuff, I mean trips to zoos, theatres, etc (which let’s face it can still add up) rather than grand-a-night lodges?

This. You are holding them back by being jealous of their experiences.

SilverHammer · 24/07/2025 19:15

Well I understand how you feel. They didn't want kids but now want to borrow yours when it suits them.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 24/07/2025 19:15

Yes, awful. I actually can’t believe you’d deny them an experience you know you will be unable to provide. My DD has been to several places with her aunt that she would otherwise have not experienced. Have a word with yourself.

jannier · 24/07/2025 19:20

MancLass76 · 23/07/2025 12:03

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

So your children are 7 and 11 and still not been to the favourite family zoo.... basically your not going to do it before they are too old to enjoy the magic the family remembers....your denying them for your own feelings not their benefit.
Aunts and uncles will never take your place but your children won't have experiences they could have and will get to hear as they grow older that you kept saying no.
As a childminder I've had many parents so no to trips because they wanted to be the ones to do the firsts....and years later they never went until school took them.

exaltedwombat · 24/07/2025 19:21

FFS! They’ve got a rich relative who wants to treat them, and you’re going to deny them this because of your jealousy?

PorridgeAndSyrup · 24/07/2025 19:30

Half the parents in the country are complaining we no longer have a "village" to help us raise our children, and then here's you, with some lovely relatives, who are enthusiastically trying to build a relationship with your kids, give them experiences they couldn't otherwise have, and give you some free time, and you're snubbing them because you want to witness every moment of their lives??!

My aunts and uncles and grandparents took us on some fantastic and memorable days out as kids, that I still remember today, that my parents weren't there for. Isn't that what family's about? You've got the family so many of us wish we had for our kids. Let them enjoy themselves!

ItsJustLittleOldMe · 24/07/2025 19:43

Haven’t read the whole thread sorry but I can see it from both points of view. I was the fun auntie, very close to all 13 (yep 13) of my nieces and nephews and did all sorts for them. I was single and had money to burn so why not, I love those kids…. But since having my own children, I can’t believe what my siblings and their husbands/wives let me do with the kids! Maybe it’s because I’m an older mum, I don’t know but I am so protective over so many memories with my kids, and firsts! I get it but on the other hand I’m extremely grateful I had those amazing times with my nieces and nephews too. I think you need to try to find your line of what you can and can’t cope with and stick with it xx

Chinsupmeloves · 24/07/2025 19:50

I would love this!

legolegoeverywhereandnotadroptodrink · 24/07/2025 19:52

I would want to do all these things with my child but luckily i can afford it. If money is no object to the relatives, cant they include ypu? Perhaps you buy your own theeatre ticket and let them pay for kids

ThatsABitExcessive · 24/07/2025 19:54

Yes you’re being incredibly selfish and childish. Your poor kids.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 24/07/2025 20:01

@latetothefisting
'Witnessing their joy' is all about her and how she feels, not the DC. She hasn't suggested their joy would be heightened by their entire family watching them go on a race car experience, because, being honestly it probably wouldn't.

This is such a good point. OP is restricting her children from joyful experiences, to prioritise her own feelings.

I don't say this to be horrible OP, just when you put it that way, there's only one answer - let them go!

Dawnb19 · 24/07/2025 20:08

This is selfish. Save up and do these things with your children instead. But you saying no this is selfish. Whan are you going to do these things with your children? They might be too old to want to do something's in a few years.

Ferrit6 · 24/07/2025 20:10

I'm an aunt who did and does lots of stuff with my nieces and nephews without their mum & dad in tow - I didn’t want their parents along as it’s a completely different vibe … nothing weird about it at all … enjoy time without your kids. Plus it also teaches them to be independent of their parents, learn and see the world from a different perspective… it’s not a competition you are their parents and they know that … you can’t share every experience in their lives as unless you home school they are doing new things without you every week…

Arran2024 · 24/07/2025 20:23

You need to stop thinking of your needs and think instead of your children's. It's great they are getting these experiences.

MrsSunshine2b · 24/07/2025 20:31

SilverHammer · 24/07/2025 19:15

Well I understand how you feel. They didn't want kids but now want to borrow yours when it suits them.

Children are not property. The aunt and the uncle want to spend time with them and give them fun experiences, not "borrow" them.

Mazanna123 · 24/07/2025 20:32

I think you're being selfish.

Whyamiherenow · 24/07/2025 20:33

My brother and his partner are infinitely wealthier than we are. They offer DS lots of experiences eg skiing holidays etc. I say yes. It will allow him to be a more rounded and experienced person. My job is to make him independent and capable as a person. This helps achieve this aim.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 24/07/2025 20:34

YABU. Different if you had planned to save for a holiday and they swooped in and said they’d take the kids instead. You’re saying you don’t think you could ever afford these experiences though. Let them get some lovely experiences and don’t deprive your children because of your own ego and nose being put out of joint. You sound very selfish.

YoNoHeSido77 · 24/07/2025 21:12

Why on earth would you not be grateful that your children are having experiences that you obviously can’t provide?

you sound jealous of your own children.

very unreasonable, you need to give your head a shake.

TheEveningSun · 24/07/2025 21:24

I’ve always been that auntie. Now I have my own kids so it’s harder for me to take 4 but we still do stuff together but my brother or SIL never get involved. My brother has always worked weekends so SIL at home with the kids. I took the kids to all of the cool places locally and Lego land etc but also the free stuff like the beach or playground. I had them once in a while so wanted to do something special. always offered to take the SIL but she never wanted to join us. Sometimes she was making up some poor excuses not to let me take the kids but generally she was mostly accommodating even though we don’t have a close relationship.
You build a relationship on another level with nieces/nephews/grandchildren when you spend time with them without the parents being involved. They often tell me how much they love me and come for a cuddle when their parents aren’t around but never in front of their parents.