Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Yes you are being unfair to your kids. Let them do these amazing things. They will still love you more !

I totally get this. We have it with the inlaws. I want to do absolutely everything with them. However, I try and meet in the middle. For example if they want to go to a show. It's not their first show ever. There are thousands of shows. They are good experiences for them, and I cant afford more. I should let them have the benefit and enjoyment of going. But I do say no to Santa - it's see him once a year to maximise the magic etc and that once a year is with us. No to Disney - that's are special place as a family. No to firsts if they are significant (first trip to the beach, concert, panto etc).

Mum literally cries if I say we can, but only if I come along too as its their first time / really busy city etc. Says I'm stealing her grandchildren. It's ridiculous. Then I just say no then and she gets mad.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to see your children enjoying amazing experiences that you can’t afford. I think it’s a bit out of order that your brother and SIL use their money like this. It’s not about treating the kids - it’s like using their money to best you somehow, if you’re not allowed to go along.

I grew up very much not wealthy but had a rich childless couple (who I loved and love still) who spent a lot of money on my siblings and I and they were always really careful to ‘treat us’ in ways that included our whole family rather than trying to take us away from our parents.

it’s one thing to do a one off treat but you mentioned a whole array of things. Firsts are special - like going to see a show in London.

pp suggested talking to your SIL about it and I do think that’s a good idea. A nice outcome would be that they can take your kids out to special things without you feeling crap about it. And of course that your kids could get to have these amazing experiences which you obviously want for them, just not at the cost of you feeling excluded because you can’t afford it.

Let your kids have fun going out and about…! Why would you deny them? Let them treat your kids and give them an amazing time. I had godparents like this and it was amazing. I didn’t love my own parents any less and was able to really enjoy my downtime at home with my parents.

Lucky kids. I kind of understand your reservations because kids don't really understand things like differences in income until much older. So they can't tell what is optional and what is a choice enforced by affordability.

Having said that, id be pushed to say no to my kids being treated by someone else, unless I didn't like that person.

You’re not being unreasonable. It’s not about jealousy, it’s about your sister in law trying to dazzle your children with expensive gifts and treats and these not being in keeping with your lifestyle and values. Children can be impressionable and if these are frequent and constant, they can start to feel bored and shortchanged when they don’t get them with you. Luxury safari vs your normal family holiday is going to feel different and I would question why SiL feels time spent with the children has to involve all this fancy stuff. It’s teaching children that quality time only involves extraordinary experiences rather than bonding over every day stuff like crafting together, going for a bike ride, going to the cinema etc. I’ve been in a similar position (with constant expensive presents rather than experiences) and in my case, I started to say no. My children were learning to expect lavish gifts every time they saw their aunt. They were younger than yours so didn’t notice so much but I started taking the presents and putting them away and later gave them away. They never noticed. It persisted (every visit, and she visited every week, she would bring a birthday type gift and give it to them at the door) and then I started to give it back to her and say very politely “The children are really happy to see you!” but it only really stopped when my husband had a word with her.
In your situation, I would have a talk and explain that you would like holidays and special days out to be spent just the children , you and their father. And suggest low-key activities that your SiL might like to do with them (but should be something the kids really enjoy).
No parent wants to be a spectator in their kids’ lives. We’re not just there for the ordinary stuff, we want to share their excitement on special days and feel that we had a part in making that happen. Yanbu at all.

YABwhollyU. You don’t own your children. Just let them have fun.

You are so lucky you have people who want to do this for your child. We have no one. I’d be delighted to gave anyone treat my child.
I sometimes think many parents don’t realise how lucky they are!
It’s really nice for your children to have other key adults in their life this can hang out with. You never know when you might need someone trusted to fall back on.

They sound a loving, caring and an amazing aunt and uncle. Why on earth would you deprive your children of such opportunities? Are you scared they will love them more than you?! Parenting is about providing the very best you can for your children - and if close relatives can offer them experiences, adventures and memories that you cannot you should be delighted. It will never replace or supersede the “ real “ parenting that involves the more mundane day to day stuff - caring for them when they are sick , getting them to school and back , keeping them well fed, clean, safe and healthy - but it will offer your children additional opportunities and a different view of life, plus additional secure relationships with trusted adults. Are you going to deny them school trips, guides or cub trips etc as well simply because you can’t tag along ?! Why not enjoy the chance to spend some quality child- free time with your husband; refresh your batteries etc. instead of clipping your children’s wings and denying your brother for what seem like very insecure and selfish reasons.

My Cousin and her hubby are very well off.treated my DC well .Had DD to stay. She has LD very kind .TBH welcomed the break! I would let them go .they can tell you all about it! Also is it not possible for a zoo trip yourselves? Safari Lodge sounds cool.DC would be well miffed if they lost out on that.Maybe camping yourselves or a night in hotel .something affordable for you can still be fun

Just be mindful that they might be saying they’re childless through choice but that may not be the case - it’s just an easier line to share with family. In this situation and one of the only thing keeping me going is treating and having valuable time with our nieces and nephews

You are being very selfish. What sort if a parent puts their own jealousy before their children's best interests?

Yabu. Your children getting to have 1:1 time with their extended family and amazing experiences. Go for it. You be selfish to stop them. You going to stop them going to uni as they have experiences without you, school trips, etc

This! If they were babies I’d have some sympathy, but if you haven’t taken them to the zoo / London etc in 11 years then it’s madness to deny them the chance.

does your rules apply to school trips? If you can’t go then they can’t either? What about going out with friends?

assuming your 11yo is starting secondary in Sept you need to start loosening the reigns and let them build their own life

100% and will no doubt have the kids on here in 15 years asking what to do about mum / MIL who doesn’t want them to go on honeymoon without her

Let them have fun with their generous auntie and uncle. I’d be thrilled!

This.

On paper they sound lovely and incredibly generous, but I wonder what their motivation is?

It sounds to me like they’ve chosen not to have kids because they don’t want the hassle but want to ‘play families’ every now and then so use your kids to do so.

If they genuinely wanted to build close relationships with their nieces and nephews they’d spend time with them doing mundane stuff too (something tells me they don’t do this).

If they were truly generous they’d invited you and your husband too.

I’d be pissed off tbh. They’re trying to buy the ‘experience’ of being parents.

Nice.

Don’t deprive your children these fabulous opportunities because of your selfishness! Or would you rather they go without just so you feel better!!

So you would rather your children miss out on doing things because you can't afford to do them. How sad of you and how sad for your children.

I’m very sorry for your experiences, but for those of us who actually are childfree by choice, it’s not like that at all. I never felt that I was borrowing my nieces in order to pretend to be a parent, or fill some imaginary hole in my life. They were adorable, funny human beings who I enjoyed hanging out with - and still do now they are adults.
im glad that my sister in law was more mature than some of the people on this thread and saw the girls spending time with me as something that will benefit them - I have very different interests to their parents and I was able to introduce them to things like the science museum, star gazing and various geeky science experiments which they loved and still love. It is a different relationship to the one they have with their mother and why should that bother me? I didn’t want to be a mother and have no maternal instinct or fantasies, to quote one particular twat on this thread.
I wasn’t trying to outdo my in-laws with gifts or expensive treats. While I had, and do have, more money I naturally was able to do more luxury things with them which my sister in law appreciated because it was a good experience for her children. I’ve also paid off both of their student loans, because I could ams because I love them.
those girls have benefitted from me being their aunt not just because of expensive gifts and days oit but because they had another person in their lives who love them.

Oh for goodness, sake. Let them go and have fun.

I think you’re being a bit precious especially at their ages

I suspect the OP is concerned that her children, after experiencing things well beyond what is available in their family home, will realise what they have been missing and become resentful. You don't miss what you never had, until you have a taster.

Rubbish, when my children were little i couldn't afford to take them abroad. They always had a holiday, just in the UK. My parents took them on a plane for the first time abroad, I had no problem with it. Why should they miss out just because I couldn't afford it at the time. They didn't expect it every year and didn't resent me either. When I could afford to take them abroad I did. Know they are older, the only holidays they speak about with fond memories, the ones in the UK.