Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

[MancLass76]

I have 2 children aged 11 and 7 and my sister in law keeps asking if they can do things with them. On one hand it’s great she wants to spend time with them (my brother will be involved as well, she’s just the organiser), they have a great relationship and I really want to encourage that but on the other hand, she puts me in a difficult position of sometimes wanting/deciding to say no and then getting grief if I do and being made to feel really selfish (which I get I am being to some degree).

They are childless through choice but also have higher incomes so often their suggestions are out of reach for us (or something we need to plan for) and they are suggesting experiences for my kids that I don’t want to not be there for. Top end think safari lodges in the UK at £1000 for one night, first trip to London and a show in the West End kind of things but then smaller trips such as first visit to a particular zoo (which has been a family fave through 2 generations of our family).

Am I being unreasonable though to deny my kids these experiences if it means it won’t ever happen.

I also get grief if I ask to be included/tag along on the cheaper things so I can see my kids enjoying the experience they have planned. They bought a virgin experience involving cars for my daughter at Christmas and I asked to go watch and they are now being awkward with the date to make it work.

Female point of view: no woman lives out her “maternal fantasies” (WTF?) through someone else’s kids

They aren't Disney parents because they don't have any responsibility for your children or doing any day to day parenting.

My siblings buy nice presents for my kids, they might take them out when they are older but I'd never expect them to go to a football match/ some random play they are in. Those things just aren't interesting to anyone but parents or grandparents tbh! Especially if they've chosen not to have kids- why should they do anything but the fun bits?!

Absolute rubbish. Some people are happily child free but love their nieces and nephews and want to do nice things with them!

You sound really resentful of them not doing what you think they should be doing. But the parenting stuff is yours to do.

They're not playing Disney parents. They don't have parental responsibility they're trying to evade. They just want to give the kids a good time and some really nice memories outside of what they're getting from you.

Think it's about balance. Some things might be all right. But it's perfectly reasonable that you want to be involved in some experiences . And tbh I think it's a bit insensitive of them if they want to giv e the kids all these experiences without you being involved at all. Relationships are as important within families as experiences. Definitely a bit of Disney going on.

Do you often feel the need to announce that you have a balls before you talk out of them?

That's unfair

Is it? I'll clarify then. There's no reason to announce your sex before posting unless for some reason you think being a man should carry some weight and the post is absolute sexist bollocks.

I think you should let them enjoy the experiences even if you cant share it.
I understand what your feeling but if there is something great to experience I wouldn't be comfortable allowing them to miss out.
Set your feelings aside as long as it doesnt take over the things you want to do with them.

Ridiculous. Poor kids.

Why would you say no to your kids having fun? Very odd.

Well there's a lot of strange people on this thread.

I'm childfree (not by choice) and regularly take my nieces/nephews, cousin's daughter and my best friend's kids on days out - zoo, cinema, theatre, etc as a treat. I often get nice family day out things with work like Christmas panto tickets - completely wasted if I don't invite someone.

I do it because it's fun and it gives their parents a break.

Never once have a wanted to:

• Control their kids
• Treat their kids like dolls
• Try to buy the children or curry favour
• Be a Disney adult
• Diminish anyone's role as a parent
• Trying to take over as a paren

I also babysit when parents need it but try to make it fun with movie night or games night or something...why not?

Not one of those kids has ever thought that their parents weren't the best thing in the world or suddenly wanted to live with me instead. I'm a novelty because it's rare, their parents are the real deal and they know it. Give children more credit.

Maybe he's announcing his sex because it's a predominantly female threadline, so he's just mentioning that he's male. And what he was saying was a possible point of view. Not saying right or wrong, but could be a possibility, just ad much sd any other viewpoint on here could be true. We dont know, do we.

Based on what you've said, the main question for me would be - do you trust them to care for the kids properly during these experiences?

For example, 7 is quite young. Anyone who had my 7yo would have to be trusted to care for them in the night if they woke up upset or had an accident (rarely happens at home, but these things are surprisingly common away from home). DC1 has been ill while staying with grandparents before and the poor things were up most of the night with them.

So I'd have to be confident that my DC would be comfortable seeking help from them and they'd be happy to give it, otherwise I'd probably limit outings to daytime only rather than overnight.

I took my now-adult goddaughters (separately) to their first West End shows/night in a London hotel. They loved it, and their parents were thrilled (2 different families).
We gave our godson his first airgun - everyone happy.
Just be grateful, OP, that your children have people who love them, and that they don't have only their parents to provide fun and support.

I think youre being unreasonable to deny them treats they wouldnt get otherwise

But theyre unreasonable to deliberately exclude you from all the experiences you could afford to play Disney parents with your kids

I think it sounds great and you should let them go.

DH has amazing memories of doing things during the holiday with family friends. They weren't related but were childless by choice and very wealthy. They wanted to experience all the joy of children having fun without the responsibility of bringing them up full time.

You do know that being a truly decent parent sometimes means selflessly hiding your own hurt and disappointment in order to let your child enjoy something fabulous, don't you?

Don’t understand why you make a big deal out of the first visit to your local zoo

If it is a family tradition then why haven’t you taken them already.

Sex is completely irrelevant on this thread, so why is it so important that everyone knows he’s expressing a manly male view?

But if they are things that you won’t ever be able to do with them, then why shouldn’t you let them enjoy those experiences if they’ve got the chance to have them?

Surely it’s about letting the kids enjoy things that you might not be able to provide for them. That said, if it was something you are planning to do with them, then I could see why you wouldn’t them to do it with their Aunt and Uncle first.

What’s so awful? Genuinely curious?

As the aunt and uncle, aren’t they entitled to time with their niece/nephews? If it were me, I’d want to make my own memories with my DN. OP sounds selfish and like she suffers from FOMO (fear of missing out).

Imagine if the Aunt and Uncle always wanted to tag on to the family’s holidays so they could ‘share’ joint time with them altogether - I’m sure OP would see it as weird and wouldn’t want it!

My work colleague has a very high earning child free sister who is in her early 60s and never married and since her kids were tiny she’s taken her DN on some amazing hols and her mom is just really pleased her Aunt loves DN and also actually wants to bond with her and share experiences together. I think it’s really lovely and a positive influence on a child. Just think on how many threads there are on here about moms complaining their kids are not favoured or ignored by other family members so it’s a blessing surely if such a scenario exists! I’m very surprised anyone would want to deny their kids amazing opps like this just because they want to go and be part of it also - but it’s not about them!

You say they're childfree by choice, OP, but that your sister-in-law is the main driver behind these big ticket trips with the kids. I wonder if their childfree situation isn't as "by choice" as you think it is?

It's hard to ever truly know what goes on in someone else's relationship, even when you're close with them. Brother and SIL may be unable to conceive, and don't want to be pitied. Or their childfree lifestyle may be your brother's choice, and SIL is trying to show him how much fun kids could be, to change his mind. No-one can say for sure, but you seem to think they want to play at being parents on these occasions, and that's why they don't want you around. Which would imply there's more to it than just a high income couple showing off their wealth.

There may be an emotional aspect to all this you're not aware of.

I cant read through 20 pages but to play devil's advocate and apologies if this has already been mentioned but if the zoo has been a favourite for generations, how come your kids are aged 7 and 11 and haven't been yet. I have three kids and we first visited the zoo around the toddler years as they adored it and their reactions were so sweet. We still go ten years on.

I think yabu to deny them some wonderful experiences with their aunt and uncle. This doesn't take from ye as parents.