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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be this pissed off with my 4 year old

484 replies

alleoindup · 23/07/2025 07:31

It was his sisters birthday party last weekend but her birthday is today. I work Mondays & Tuesdays so was going to open the presents today. Came downstairs and he’s opened every single one, destroying some in the process (like tearing colouring books and tearing the boxes some of the puzzles etc came in.)

I’m finding it hard to even look at him to be honest: I know I’m probably overreacting but I really am upset.

So I don’t get accused of drip feeding I am struggling anyway and this has just depressed the hell out of me.

OP posts:
starpatch · 23/07/2025 07:35

I know it's frustrating but I would have had to have hidden them when I had a four year old. He will have known this would upset you both though. Do you have spare wrapping paper to rewrap them?

Behindthefacade · 23/07/2025 07:36

YANBU to feel irritated at the moment however, given sibling is 4y, find a way to make it clear he should not do it again then I would let it go if this is a one-off.

Hercisback1 · 23/07/2025 07:37

How old is his sister?

Honestly at 4 they have little impulse control. However he knows what he did is wrong. I'd have got up with the kids or hidden the presents. You can't turn back time, in a few years it'll be a story you laugh at. Right now it's raw.

Maddy70 · 23/07/2025 07:38

I would be majorly pissed off too. Cab you re wrap then quickly how old is the birthday girl? Will she even notice?

zaxxon · 23/07/2025 07:38

Oh God that's annoying. Huge sympathy - I'd be furious. Don't blame yourself for feeling angry.

They get better as they get older, that's all I can say ...

Zanadoo45 · 23/07/2025 07:39

Why was a 4 year old on their own long enough to do this much damage?

Not being able to look at him is dramatic and way over the top.

The dynamic in your family sounds off. Very off.

GRex · 23/07/2025 07:40

4 is way past old enough to know this is very wrong. Is there a lot of sibling rivalry? How does she behave towards him? I would go for consequences of removing some favourite toys of his for a week, but you will need to work on the issues in their relationship before it gets worse.

I would rewrap what you can, bin what you can't so she doesn't see it, then take her out to buy extras later with some special birthday money.

44PumpLane · 23/07/2025 07:40

Who was with the 4yo while they were tearing through the gifts?

Had you told them in advance that the pile of gifts was not for them and it was to be left alone?

Behaviour is learned and at 4yo would they truly understand, without supervision, that a pile of gifts wasn't for them to tear into?

That last bit is a genuine question, with twins I've never had to deal with this as they celebrate their birthdays together, and I would have been downstairs before them at that age supervising.

Original poster
alleoindup · 23/07/2025 07:40

I know - shouldn’t have left them out; he doesn’t normally go downstairs unaccompanied so assumed we were safe. Ofc this morning he did.

I get in the scheme of things it’s not that big a deal and DD still has most of the presents. But now I don’t know who gave what so will have to send out messages asking so I can say thanks. And it’s meant what should have been a nice morning has been with tears and upset instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
alleoindup · 23/07/2025 07:41

He knew @44PumpLane ; he knows it’s her birthday and he knows they are not his. He may not have great impulse control but he definitely knew they weren’t his!

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 23/07/2025 07:42

Just 4 or nearly 5?
I would absolutely furious too. Both of mine would have known at that age that this was a naughty thing to do. However plenty of people will come along now and tell you he’s only little and you shouldn’t have left him alone with them all! Can he be made to help you fix the mess? Help with re wrapping? Has his sister seen it yet?

Hercisback1 · 23/07/2025 07:42

You're probably partly frustrated with yourself. Try to let it go, have a big cuddle, salvage what you can and crack on with enjoying the day.

Barnbrack · 23/07/2025 07:43

GRex · 23/07/2025 07:40

4 is way past old enough to know this is very wrong. Is there a lot of sibling rivalry? How does she behave towards him? I would go for consequences of removing some favourite toys of his for a week, but you will need to work on the issues in their relationship before it gets worse.

I would rewrap what you can, bin what you can't so she doesn't see it, then take her out to buy extras later with some special birthday money.

Child dependant! My youngest wouldn't do this, my eldest might have as he's very impulse control due to ADHD and suspected ASD. That said I agree with the pp, why was a 4 yr old downstairs alone for that length of time

Topjoe19 · 23/07/2025 07:43

Was he left on his own downstairs? You're going to have to take 5 minutes then dust yourself down, salvage what you can & get on with the day. Hard to believe but in 15 years time it'll be a funny story you tell people.

44PumpLane · 23/07/2025 07:43

alleoindup · 23/07/2025 07:41

He knew @44PumpLane ; he knows it’s her birthday and he knows they are not his. He may not have great impulse control but he definitely knew they weren’t his!

Oh no, in that case that's a real shame. I agree with another poster that perhaps the loss of a valued toy for a period of time, or removal of a treat from this week as punishment.

Rubbish start to the day when you are already feeling stretched.

autienotnaughty · 23/07/2025 07:43

Impulsive behaviour no thought or connection to the impact. If he did this at 6 it’s different but at 4 I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. But there would still be a consequence.

Saying that some kids do struggle with the attention being on another person , my 6 year old niece massively struggled at her baby sisters birthday party recently. And my youngest use to struggle, she was later diagnosed with adhd now as adult she is the most wonderful gift giver/event organiser. She goes out of her way to make everyone’s events feel special (same result lol she still craves the attention)
is he allowed downstairs alone in a morning?

Mumofsoontobe3 · 23/07/2025 07:44

Given he's 4, you're going to have to let it slide but he can face a consequence - for us it would be his loss of 20 min iPad time/favourite toy removed etc. I can see why you're so upset though, I would've definitely cried as well just out of sheer disappointment and frustration.

Lolopolo · 23/07/2025 07:45

Honestly why are people asking why he was downstairs on his own ffs?! Probably because his bedroom isn’t a prison and he walked downstairs? OP might not have been aware? Awake?? Those asking, do you lock your children into their bedrooms? Lock the upstairs at night? wtf people are rudiculous.

Lolopolo · 23/07/2025 07:49

Try not to let it get you down OP. I went downstairs as a toddler and ate all the Easter eggs once, including a really special one that was for my mum from my dad.
Don’t be too annoyed at your son, his brain is hardly developed, he’s tiny! Take him to one side when you are calm and explain why he shouldn’t have done this. Give him consequences ie.he will have to help you repair the boxes/apologise to sister etc.
You’ll laugh about it one day.

Hercisback1 · 23/07/2025 07:49

Of course people don't lock their kids in rooms, but if a 4yo is up and about, then really so should the adult be.

Original poster
alleoindup · 23/07/2025 07:49

Topjoe19 · 23/07/2025 07:43

Was he left on his own downstairs? You're going to have to take 5 minutes then dust yourself down, salvage what you can & get on with the day. Hard to believe but in 15 years time it'll be a funny story you tell people.

He’s four, not two. I don’t really see the problem; what do you think was going to happen? He was only there for a few minutes!

OP posts:
TheNightingalesStarling · 23/07/2025 07:50

Its this sort of thing that if its genuinely a one off you can put it aside. If its a pattern of behaviour it could (not definitely) be a symptom of something. The vast majority of 4yos understand that birthday presents are for the birthday child and are excited for them.

How was he after? Did he know what he did was wrong?

Give both your children a big hug. Move on with the day.

(And yes, at 4yo mine were definitely unsupervised for the 10-15mins it took me to have a shower for example!)

Barnbrack · 23/07/2025 07:50

alleoindup · 23/07/2025 07:49

He’s four, not two. I don’t really see the problem; what do you think was going to happen? He was only there for a few minutes!

Show quote history

Exactly what did happen, he'd get I to something he shouldn't because he's 4.

Lolopolo · 23/07/2025 07:52

Hercisback1 · 23/07/2025 07:49

Of course people don't lock their kids in rooms, but if a 4yo is up and about, then really so should the adult be.

I don’t agree. Kids wake up and the parents can’t always tell. Parents are tired senseless sometimes. Kids can be quiet and not wake them up. Parents might be in the shower/seeing to the other child. It’s ridiculous to suggest a parent monitor whether a child moves every single second of the day in their own home.

MintTwirl · 23/07/2025 07:52

In 10 years + you will be relaying this is a funny story but yes right now I can imagine you are cross and frustrated. Go make a cup of tea, get him to help you tidy up and fetch bits to re wrap the things that you can wrap and move on with the day,