To be this pissed off with my 4 year old

[alleoindup]

It was his sisters birthday party last weekend but her birthday is today. I work Mondays & Tuesdays so was going to open the presents today. Came downstairs and he’s opened every single one, destroying some in the process (like tearing colouring books and tearing the boxes some of the puzzles etc came in.)

I’m finding it hard to even look at him to be honest: I know I’m probably overreacting but I really am upset.

So I don’t get accused of drip feeding I am struggling anyway and this has just depressed the hell out of me.

Why was a 4 year old allowed downstairs unsupervised to begin with?
at 2 she wont know much difference, just go take them & wrap them up in another room. Itll be fine.

Some of the comments here are crackers, but as is your comment that you can't look at him.

He's 4!!

I was very angry and upset with him. I’m still annoyed but I’m calm.

I stand by the fact I do not need to hover over DS every minute of the day. Apart from anything else, I think that’s exhausting for the parent and overbearing for the child.

I know, thanks. It’s even in the title.

I think your totally valid in your feelings! My little boy is 4 in October and he goes in the living room on his own all the time while I'm in our bedroom etc, everyone saying you left him alone and anything could have happened is wild! How could you ever do/ get anything done if you are in the same room every second of the day! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Solidarity, OP. It’s so fucking hard sometimes. You’re allowed to feel frustrated and pissed off.

I'm with you OP- it wouldn't even have occurred to me that a 4 nearly 5 year old would need to be supervised around presents or told not to open them. It's very easy to look at the situation with hindsight!

As he has spoiled one aspect of her birthday I'd have him think about what he can do to make the rest of the day special for her (and then do it)

Did he say WHY he did it? Once you’ve calmed down, talk to him, tell him it wasn’t kind or nice to do that. Ask him how he would feel if someone did that to his presents. Tell him he has to apologise to his sister(even if she doesn’t understand), even better , if he has any pocket money take him out to buy her a little something to say sorry. If not, a different consequence, the most obvious one being, no actually he can’t watch Bluey by himself in the morning anymore as you can’t trust him to behave , so none of that for a while. Or whatever you normally do for consequences.

Baby gates! By four they can get through most of them but not without being loud enough to be heard and questioned. I don't have under 5’s wandering around unsupervised, if they wake up they can play in their room, use the bathroom or come and see us but they’re not allowed to go up/downstairs without permission and it’s never been an issue.

My sisters children are allowed to wander about the house, they often wake early and cause chaos like this, make ‘breakfast’ using the oven, poke around in her personal things, play with cleaning products etc. At this age they need supervision imo.

Haha I'm baffled by all the posters saying that he shouldn't have been left alone. He's almost 5. I'm sure a child that age can potter around their own home without constant supervision. Mine was doing their own thing that age and it was fine. Obviously make sure they can't turn ovens and kettles on or get outside, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to let them chill downstairs on their own.

Sucks that he went and messed up the presents though. That's unlucky, but at least you know that this is what he does so you can avoid it next time. I'd be pissed off too but you just need to tell him off and move on. Hope you all have a nice day. 😄

He is 4. You are the adult. Take control. Show him and teach him that what he did is unacceptable and ask him how he would like it if the tables were turned. He sounds a strong and determined little boy. Put in boundaries with consequences fast or you will be in for trouble as he grows and knows he can 'control' you.

OP, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we can all be wise after the event. Clearly next year, you’ll all be going downstairs together! What did your 4 year old say when you went downstairs to find the scene of devastation? I think when it’s his birthday, you’ll have to ask how he would feel if DSis opened his presents? I’m sure he knows he’s done wrong, and I completely understand how irritated you must be over it, but he is only four! Yes, by all means let him know that what he has done is wrong, but he is still well young and dependent on his Mummy, so don’t be too hard on him - often birthdays are a bigger deal to the parents who want everything to be “perfect” than for the two year old whose birthday it is, or the four year old who just might be feeling left out.

My DS is 4 and will happily go downstairs on his own.

There is no way that he would do anything like this. He understands rules and the difference between right and wrong.

The posters sayings things such as it’s OK he’s only 4 are deceiving you. It’s shocking behaviour and needs addressing. Imagine acting like that in a school environment around his peers?

No I think it's unusual for a 4 nearly 5 year old to open all of a siblings presents and deliberately break some of them.

OP if it makes you feel any better I once worked with a woman who was a single parent to her teenage daughter (relevant as there were only the two of them living in the house). One Christmas Eve when the daughter was 18/19 she was out drinking with friends, came home drunk and opened every single present under the Christmas tree in the early hours of the morning. The mum woke up to the mess and I don’t think she spoke to her all of Christmas Day and possibly Boxing Day 😬. At least your 4 year old didn’t do that!

What was the consequence?

4 year old boys are basically little animals you can't legally make sleep in a kennel. Don't feel angry with him it's a waste of energy clean up and move on.

Boys will be boys, eh? 🙄

/sarcasm

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset op but I agree with others you need to take a moment to compose yourself and then tell him this can never happen again and let it go.

5 year old will still have issues with impulse control. They will still make bad choices.

I think giving him permission to go downstairs on his own when you knew it was all sitting out was probably an error of judgement on your part, but it's also understandable as he's at an age where they are getting to be more independent and responsible, but will still have some mishaps. So it's really a judgement call at that age.

In the grand scheme of things, there are many worse scenarios you could have walked into and I agree with others this will eventually become a funny story to look back on when they're both older.

I think you are putting more of your own feelings on to him than is fair for his age if you can't even look at him though. You need to let it go or you will actually be the one who ruins the day without even meaning to. Give it a 5 minute funeral and then make the best of the rest of the day and let it slide.

Totally understandable that you are upset. But the day is not yet ruined. It’s still early, you need to pull yourself together and ‘make up’ with him. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to draw a line under it and move on.

I remember at 6 finding all our Christmas presents and immediately showing all my siblings. Girls do stupid stuff too.

Children can act very differently around peers than they do at home, especially when they're this young. Pushing boundaries and bad behaviour at home does not mean her son is going to be an unpleasant child at school who takes things from other children and breaks them.

I say this as someone who has spent close to two decades working with children. 4 year olds, in my experience, are more like toddlers than some people would believe. Everyone develops impulse control and appropriacy at different times.

Also @alleoindup, don't get me wrong, I would also be pissed off, but you are not a bad parent for allowing your child to go downstairs for a short period. Shit happens, and hopefully this will be a one off incident!

Do you know, sometimes people just want to vent and rant and be shown some solidarity. I feel like sanctimoniously explaining to the OP where you feel she has gone wrong, is simply not helpful.

My husband does this and it drives me fucking bananas. Just let me rant. Stop pointing out “things I could have done differently”

Why was he up and about unsupervised?

He didn’t "just take himself down to watch tv". He asked and OP said yes. She knew where he was while she was dressing her younger child. A child about to start school should not need to be watched at every moment to ensure he doesn’t do something he knows perfectly well is wrong.

I hope telling everyone about your perfection has made you feel better.