To be this pissed off with my 4 year old

[alleoindup]

It was his sisters birthday party last weekend but her birthday is today. I work Mondays & Tuesdays so was going to open the presents today. Came downstairs and he’s opened every single one, destroying some in the process (like tearing colouring books and tearing the boxes some of the puzzles etc came in.)

I’m finding it hard to even look at him to be honest: I know I’m probably overreacting but I really am upset.

So I don’t get accused of drip feeding I am struggling anyway and this has just depressed the hell out of me.

One of mine came down in the night and opened everyone’s Christmas presents. I had no idea who received what from whom, let’s say the thank you letters were rather vague that year. We told the little ones the reindeer opened them. One day you might smile, give him a bit of a talk now and hide pressies in future. Kids!!!

Seems like the poor OP can't win on here. If her DS didn't know it was wrong to open other people's gifts, that's her fault for not teaching him. If he did know and did it anyway, that's her fault for not preventing that possibility ahead of time. If she was angry and punished him, that's her fault for not controlling her feelings. If she was understanding and not harsh with him, that's her fault for perpetuating the entitled spoilt youth which plague our town centres etc etc

Basically, OP, what you need to do is be as perfect as some of the posters on this thread, with equally perfect children. Then you'll be golden.

Not letting them watch tv unsupervised at 8 is extreme.

Try not to stress about random strangers on the internet.

In response to your original question, I was one of the posters who thought you were over-reacting. You're not by any means the first mum who's over-reacted to a child's behaviour: we've all done it at some point (don't believe anyone who says different). As I said earlier, your disappointment and upset are perfectly understandable, and beating yourself up about them isn't going to help. What will help is acknowledging your anger, reminding yourself very firmly that you're the adult here and your four-year-old is a small child with poor impulse control who gave in to temptation. Your job is to help him learn that control. You do that by (re)explaining to him why what he did was wrong and giving and seeing through with a consequence for his behaviour. Yes, he's old enough to know better, and yes, he's young enough to forget himself when temptation is in front of him. Four-year-olds aren't great at thinking things through, it takes time and practice.

Of course your children aren't better off without you. All you've done is over-react to your small child's misbehaviour. It's not ideal parenting, but it's a long way short of damaging. Give your child a consequence, then forgive him and move on.

What does op being affluent or not has any relevance to this thread?

Four-year-olds vary in what they know and understand, and in their ability to control their behaviour based on that knowledge. By four my younger DD would have understood that opening someone else's presents was wrong, and would have self-regulated even in the face of temptation. My older DD at the same age had a more questionable understanding of right and wrong, and even when she did understand that something wasn't allowed, she often gave into temptation and took much longer to learn to control her in-the-moment desires. There's 18 months between them, and by the time they were 3 and 4 1/2, DD2 could more reliably be trusted not to draw on the walls etc when they were left alone. DD1 wasn't brainless or clueless and she got there eventually but it was a hard slog.

Ok, dripped later, but where exactly you read she was asleep?

@alleoindup How are you now? Did you manage to have a good birthday day with your daughter and son?

Ignore the haters, you're clearly a great mum who's had a tricky time and this tipped you over the edge for a few seconds. I hope you're almost at the laughing about it stage.

I think most four year olds wouldn't have the restraint not to open a load of presents. I remember opening someone else's presents when I was that age - and my mum told a story of when she did too age four at Christmas!

Really, you shouldn't have left him alone with them. At that age their brains haven't developed impulse control so personally I think you dropped the ball and should learn from this - you need to hide presents from very young children.

Op, I completely understand how tough is to have an injury and live with constant pain. Some posters are being unnecessarily mean to you. You were planning to give a nice morning to your dd on her birthday and your ds caused a bit of panic and extra work. Your upset is totally understandable.

People are talking as though 4 is a toddler! It is plenty old enough not to open, and certainly not to deliberately destroy someone else's presents!

My 4-year-old dgd did something similar. Eight years later she's turning out lovely

My DS is only 1. He gets on my nerves sometimes but I love him dearly. I'm a skint single mum, I'm autistic which makes things so much harder sometimes, and I've had the same thought myself. But I know I couldn't be without him nor he without me. It's the same for you and your children. Getting annoyed with your kids doesn't mean you don't love then and they're better off without you, it just means you're human. ❤️ Please be gentle with yourself.

Aw @alleoindup I just came on to say I disagree with PP's who are flaming you for being a normal parent letting your 4 year old go downstairs to watch telly (god forbid!) unsupervised.
For what it's worth, 4 year olds can be absolute twats.
You're very understandably gutted that all your effort and hard work to make the day special was ruined and the extra work it's created along with the disappointment for you and DD.
4 is absolutely old enough to know not to open other people's presents. If my 4 year old did this I probably wouldn't be able to look at them either!!

Just think about it though. The only reason you're so angry is because you went to all that effort for your DD. You'll have been the one carefully picking out her favourite things, doing the research, doing the buying well ahead of time, making sure her day is filled with lovely things, wrapping everything up. As mums we spend so much time trying to make things magical for our kids, that's why it hurts so much when it goes wrong. It's a thankless job but if it helps, you wouldn't be such a good mum if this didn't make you raging! If you'd made fuck all effort you wouldn't care.

Sending hugs, and I hope the rest of the day went well for your DD. Ignore the judgey comments.

As a Mum of a 4 year old, I love this.

We beat ourselves up far too much ❤️

@SapphireSeptember

You can definitely be forgiven for feeling angry. But remember he is not answering adult and his brain and impulse control and thoughts about consequences are not fully developed.

How has his behaviour been recently in general? Does it seem out of character? Do you know if there is anything he might be struggling with? Does he get on with his sister?

OP literally said in her post that he did not destroy anything deliberately. And yes, whilst age wise he may be able to comprehend these are not his gifts and he shouldn't open them, he is also an excitable young child and, god forbid, may itend well, but sometimes makes mistakes shock horror.

You'd think being on MN means we're all adults able to read with understanding and not flame OP or her 4yo for no reason, alas here we are, so there we have it, nobody's perfect 🤷‍♀️

What? She didn't say that? She said boxes were torn open and colouring books ripped. I don't know what sort of 4 year olds you know, but I work with kids including this age group and they can understand that somebody else's birthday presents are not for them to open!!

She said that the book had been ripped in the act of unwrapping it.

But I do agree, I have worked with 4/5 year olds as a reception and year one teacher for decades. They certainly understand mine and yours.

alleoindup · Yesterday 08:12
He didn’t rip up the book out of spite. It was as he was tearing into the paper the book got torn as well.

It's not hard to read OP's posts instead of shouting, I recommend.

Good grief, reading some of these replies it's not hard to see why we're increasingly raising man children who need constant reassurance, round the clock entertainment and think the world revolves around them until well into their 40s. A nearly 5yo should be more than capable of being left alone for a short time without constant supervision, unless there are additional needs of course. Are parents never supposed to go to the toilet? Answer a door? God forbid, get their younger child dressed?

As for op saying she couldn't bear to look at him, that's literally why the term "get out of my sight" was invented. Show me a parent who has never felt this way and I'll show you a liar. The op's only offence was in admitting to it!

Op, I'd have felt the same. I have felt the same. My dd especially has pushed me to the brink (she's ND so life with her has been far from straightforward). But she knows I'd die for her and give her my last breath. She's also growing into a wonderful, kind, confident, independent and humourous young lady - despite me occasionally in the past having had to walk away from some of her worst behaviour in order to give myself time to calm down. And yes, shock horror, she was sometimes alone for 5 or 10 minutes downstairs while I had a poo or took a shower.

Op, the incident has passed and I hope you're feeling better about things. I do think it's quite unusual for a nearly 5yo to do what he did, but providing it's not a pattern of similar behaviour then I'd put it down to experience. I'd have maybe got him to help you re-wrap the presents, maybe taught him something about empathy by getting him to write you/ his sister a sorry card or whatever. And yes, I'd have told him that I was angry and disappointed - because those are valid emotions we all have!

If this is a pattern of behaviour you're concerned about then that's another matter, but my assumption wouldn't be that you're a bad parent or doing anything inherently wrong or neglectful. I've been there, after all - even with my eldest, much 'easier' dc!

In a few months/ years you'll look back on this and be able to laugh. Just like the time my dsis threw tea leaves all over the downstairs toilet (I mean the room itself, not just the toilet) in a fit of excitement about Christmas. She's a perfectly normal (well, mostly), fully functioning 53 year old now.

You did nothing wrong and your feelings are valid. Your child went downstairs to watch TV and people are acting like you sent him down to play with the kitchen knives. It was an easy mistake to forget the presents were there but equally it's not your fault that he thought it would be a good idea to open them. Nor is it unusual to assume that a child who is closer to 5 than 4 would know it was wrong. I don't know why people are acting like he's a toddler with no impulse control and it's all your fault. Sometimes kids do things which are just totally dickish. It's ok people can feel free to come after me for saying such a horrific thing 😂

I would be royally pissed off and disappointed too. I know it's hard but just try to forget about it. It's done and it was crap but nothing that can be changed now. I hope you feel better soon both about this and in general ❤️

How old is his sister? If she's 2 likely she won't notice. If she's 6 then he ne ds to apologise to her.

Absolutely. I’d worry about the resilience of any child who hasn’t received a good bollocking!

Please read my other posts, I'm not well, I don't have the energy to explain it again x