10 year old snubbed at wedding

ProvoPrincess · 2025-07-22T18:36:17+00:00

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family, DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening. All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in. I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know. Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren. Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter. I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill. DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special. I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

MsNevermore · 22/07/2025 19:39

I’m sorry OP 😔😔 that’s fucking awful.

I can’t ever begin to try and understand how grown ass adults can behave like that and think it’s ok.
I’m furious for you 🤬

Greebosmum · 22/07/2025 19:41

That's terrible. I have 'step' grandchildren. I will never be their 'real' Grandma but they sure as hell are my Grandchildren. How dare they.

MidnightPatrol · 22/07/2025 19:42

These situations are very complicated.

I understand why you feel upset that your daughter was excluded.

But - I also appreciate why your MIL might not consider her equally to her own granddaughter, as ultimately, she isn’t.

Thinking about my own ‘step families’, I don’t think I’d expect to be in family photos of theirs. I’m not their niece or cousin or child etc. It is different.

I am unsure about your reaction - this may just be drawing attention to it and teaching your elder daughter she should be upset / feel rejected. Probably better to teach her to brush it off, roll your eyes etc? Difficult to get a ten year old to understand the dynamics.

bellamorgan · 22/07/2025 19:43

For peace sake they should have done one with your older child and one without.

Unemotionally it’s nice to have photos of family where you don’t have to worry about an ex boyfriend or ex wife or in this case ex step children, should relationships fail.

We have some lovely whole family photos including what are now very ex partners and it ruins those photos for the person who the ex was with. Our own wedding photo is one used from before quite a few of the elderly relatives died, dh’s sister hates it and fumes because her Ex is in it, she forced him in and now regrets that’s deeply considering the new husband and children.

ClaredeBear · 22/07/2025 19:43

That’s mean and I can completely understand why you reacted the way you did.

SouthernBel · 22/07/2025 19:45

This was so, so cruel. Regardless of what your MIL and SIL were feeling about biological vs not biological (but still sounds very much like family?) grandchildren, they are ADULTS and should know better than to deliberately cut out a 10 year old all for the sake of a photograph. They should have absolutely included all the children in it. They should feel ashamed of themselves. At 10, you cannot expect a child to rationalise, they will only feel hurt and left out, this goes so deep for children. As the ‘grown ups’ they should have done better. I am so sorry.

gotellsomeone · 22/07/2025 19:47

MidnightPatrol · 22/07/2025 19:42

These situations are very complicated.

I understand why you feel upset that your daughter was excluded.

But - I also appreciate why your MIL might not consider her equally to her own granddaughter, as ultimately, she isn’t.

Thinking about my own ‘step families’, I don’t think I’d expect to be in family photos of theirs. I’m not their niece or cousin or child etc. It is different.

I am unsure about your reaction - this may just be drawing attention to it and teaching your elder daughter she should be upset / feel rejected. Probably better to teach her to brush it off, roll your eyes etc? Difficult to get a ten year old to understand the dynamics.

Edited

No, she can feel what she wants but it’s never acceptable to exclude and be cruel to a 10 year old child.

if your saying blood is the problem then she’s no less part of the family than cousins new wife /husband. There’s no reason she couldn’t be in the family photos.

mamagogo1 · 22/07/2025 19:48

Whilst it may seem awful, the reality is she isn’t a blood relative therefore it is their choice. I didn’t include my step daughters in my family portrait or vice versa. Also remember, if you split from your dp they wouldn’t see your eldest anymore

ClaredeBear · 22/07/2025 19:48

bellamorgan · 22/07/2025 19:43

For peace sake they should have done one with your older child and one without.

Unemotionally it’s nice to have photos of family where you don’t have to worry about an ex boyfriend or ex wife or in this case ex step children, should relationships fail.

We have some lovely whole family photos including what are now very ex partners and it ruins those photos for the person who the ex was with. Our own wedding photo is one used from before quite a few of the elderly relatives died, dh’s sister hates it and fumes because her Ex is in it, she forced him in and now regrets that’s deeply considering the new husband and children.

i don’t think this is the same thing at all. This is the woman’s grandchild and grandchild’s sibling but anyway, following your logic, only blood relations should be in photos. No friends, long-standing partners…it’s supposed to be a snapshot of the day and separating siblings is awfully petty and mean spirited.

gotellsomeone · 22/07/2025 19:50

mamagogo1 · 22/07/2025 19:48

Whilst it may seem awful, the reality is she isn’t a blood relative therefore it is their choice. I didn’t include my step daughters in my family portrait or vice versa. Also remember, if you split from your dp they wouldn’t see your eldest anymore

That’s rubbish, none of the partners are blood relatives. What if she was adopted? You don’t see blood, how can it have anything to do with a photo?

bellamorgan · 22/07/2025 19:51

ClaredeBear · 22/07/2025 19:48

i don’t think this is the same thing at all. This is the woman’s grandchild and grandchild’s sibling but anyway, following your logic, only blood relations should be in photos. No friends, long-standing partners…it’s supposed to be a snapshot of the day and separating siblings is awfully petty and mean spirited.

Show quote history

I read it as only blood only.

the mil, mils sisters. Mils Children, the sisters children and grandchildren.

Op wasn’t invited herself so sounds like it was blood only.

CheshireCat1 · 22/07/2025 19:51

I wonder if one of them had an adopted child, would they have been left out too because they aren’t blood related. I think it’s totally thoughtless and selfish to leave a child out

Trickytimes1 · 22/07/2025 19:51

My nanna was like this. She’d say she had x amount of grandchildren and then state the ‘illegitimate’ ones afterwards. Bar the famous illegitimate grandchild. That one was acceptable as he was famous. It’s so awful and unfair. My mum is also like this now. My eldest child was conceived before I was married. They are not worthy of her time but my youngest child is. Neither of my children now see her. I’m so sorry you've had to experience this.

MidnightPatrol · 22/07/2025 19:53

gotellsomeone · 22/07/2025 19:47

No, she can feel what she wants but it’s never acceptable to exclude and be cruel to a 10 year old child.

if your saying blood is the problem then she’s no less part of the family than cousins new wife /husband. There’s no reason she couldn’t be in the family photos.

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound like the ten year old was particularly aware of what was going on tbh.

The relationship between the MIL and her granddaughter vs her step granddaughter are different things - and that is something which will become apparent at various points throughout life. I don’t think you can automatically expect the MIL to treat these two children exactly the same - one is her blood relative, one isn’t.

MrsKateColumbo · 22/07/2025 19:54

It would have been nicer to have had some pics with your DC and some without.

My DS is veeeeery close to his step GD but I/he would have no issue with them having pics with just step FIL's actual GC at a wedding etc, although I would hope for him to have a separate pic of the two of them, maybe MIL should have had a pic with her and both your kids which she could have put up.

AntiHop · 22/07/2025 19:54

I'm sorry you're upset but what happened was acceptable. They wanted a photo with their grandchildren. Presumably she's usually welcomed, as you haven't said otherwise in your op.

GoneGirl12345 · 22/07/2025 19:55

mamagogo1 · 22/07/2025 19:48

Whilst it may seem awful, the reality is she isn’t a blood relative therefore it is their choice. I didn’t include my step daughters in my family portrait or vice versa. Also remember, if you split from your dp they wouldn’t see your eldest anymore

That's a huge assumption to make. My DH has always said that if we ever split he would still want to see my DS. In fact, he said (jokingly) he would want custody of DS!

The point is, you've jumped to an unfounded assumption.

OP is right to be hurt. Once she married her DH, her DC is much a part of the family as anyone else and a child shouldn't have been treated like that.

I don't think she should have cried and made a scene necessarily, just taken her children and left.

ChristOlive · 22/07/2025 19:57

Sorry but YABU OP. Your daughter’s stepdad’s cousin doesn’t need to see her as family.

Your husband does, and his family wanted her to attend because they like her. But you can’t force distant relatives to rewrite history to suit you.

YABVU to cry in front of the children and upset them.

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/07/2025 19:57

YANBU. Who cares that much about these pictures that it’s worth upsetting a child. So what if she’s in it.

bellamorgan · 22/07/2025 19:58

A pp is right. You will need to think ahead to future events. Inheritance from his side of there is any they are going to differences. Future funding help possibly with weddings, uni, big gifts.

I disagree that just because op and her dh married that makes ops child just as much family. Just because her dh accepted her daughter fully the rest of the family had no say or choice and as long as they are generally polite and nice, Christmas gift and card, birthday card and gift that’s all that can and should be expected more is the lovely to have.

Original poster

ProvoPrincess · 22/07/2025 20:00

I made a complete and utter idiot of myself and upset my children.

At Breakfast my eldest was subdued while youngest ran to fuss over the aunt’s great grand child. The aunt said to my five year old to ask your mum if you’re allowed,

OP posts:

ChristOlive · 22/07/2025 20:03

ProvoPrincess · 22/07/2025 20:00

I made a complete and utter idiot of myself and upset my children.

At Breakfast my eldest was subdued while youngest ran to fuss over the aunt’s great grand child. The aunt said to my five year old to ask your mum if you’re allowed,

So even you know how unreasonable you’ve been. Were you drunk?

Time to call MIL and apologise.

When you have children with different dads, they will always have different families. It’s a choice you and your DH made, not those distant relatives. They are kind enough to include her and not make her feel awkward, but unfortunately you have.

JG24 · 22/07/2025 20:06

I'm not sure if it's because we have adoption in our family, plus people taking on other roles (eg Grandma bringing up the grandchildren in the role of mum) but I don't get the "not blood relations" thing. Your oldest is their family, however that came about.
Would it help if your partner adopted her?

bellamorgan · 22/07/2025 20:08

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MissyB1 · 22/07/2025 20:09

ProvoPrincess · 22/07/2025 20:00

I made a complete and utter idiot of myself and upset my children.

At Breakfast my eldest was subdued while youngest ran to fuss over the aunt’s great grand child. The aunt said to my five year old to ask your mum if you’re allowed,

Unnecessary snarky comment from the aunt 🙄 trying to get at you through a child - pathetic!

You did nothing wrong, you are entitled to be upset at them making a big deal about your child being from a previous relationship. Don't feel bad.