10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

I was the excluded child from time to time. I was the step child. Honestly myum used to get upset about these situations but I really didn't. It's ok for them to want pictures of them with their grandchildren.

As long as they don't exclude in other ways

You don't stop being someone's adopted child if a relationship, like around half do, ends in divorce.

OP if you think being actual family is no different at all to being related by marriage, why didn't you insist in being in the photo with DH's sisters yourself? After all, you're as much a real sister to them as they are to each other aren't you? If not, why's it different from a child they're only related to by marriage?

There aren’t laws around family photos. “If you’re not blood you’re not coming in”??

its always their choice who they have in their wedding photos. They just chose to be pricks.

Do you really think the bride and groom were considering all of that when they told a 10 year old she can’t be in the photo?

it’s a photo of your wedding day. Nobody there should be able to ruin a photo by being in it. I just cannot fathom anybody caring enough to deliberately exclude someone. Are people really this precious about wedding pics?

They sound awful to exclude a child. When you enter a relationship with someone who has children you have to treat me equally. This is always been my fear that my child could be treated as an outsider

Your in-laws are arseholes to exclude your 10 year old. Cannot believe the amount of people on here defending them.

I think you mean “oh dear what a bitch.”

That makes me so angry. How dare they complain about what you did when they have behaved with rudness, insensitivity and plain bad manners. What a lot of oiks. I wouldn't bother with them any more.

I think it was the way they handled it. You reacted out of shock. If they had explained before the occasion what photos they were planning you may have thought of it differently, In your position I would have been fuming also. I don’t think you need to apologise. They did not include a child and they are adults.

That's an appalling attitude. My step-grandchildren are my grandchildren - they are even in my will on equal terms.

Ahh OP be kind to yourself. Your mil and her sisters sound like t

I wonder how many grandmothers are smiling fondly at their “ blood relative” grandchildren not knowing that their sons are not the fathers of those children. More than a few I expect.

And if you don’t have enough space in your heart to love your step children you shouldn’t be marrying their parent.

Agree with this. I wouldn't want another scene.

Your daughter is included in family events and presumably treated well; otherwise, you would have probably mentioned it. I really don't understand why you had to make such a big deal out of this. They want her at events, but she is not a biological granddaughter, so she wasn't in that photo.

My husband is on his third stepmother. In several photo albums someplace, he’s included in group shots of “the grandkids” or “the cousins,” even though neither he nor his dad have had any contact with these people in twenty-five or fifteen years. Your husband’s family is keeping in mind the possibility that you and your daughter could be entirely out of the family if you and your husband divorce, and as harsh as it seems, they want pictures of the relatives whose place in the family isn’t conditional.

Exactly this.

Whilst your DH may think of both your children in the same way, you cannot force his relatives to do so. I can't see the problem at all with the MIL and sisters wanting pictures of their actual grandchildren.
If you hadn't have made such a fuss your daughter would have forgotten about it within minutes.

It's very upsetting for young children to see their parents crying, it usually only happens at terrible times such as bereavement or being told about serious illness, not for trivial issues like who's in a photograph.

What’s your point ??
That was a photo with the adults, then it was photo’s with the kids …

It's always the same with these threads.

The person you need to apologize to is your youngest daughter, who you snatched away from her wider family.

That wider family isn't obliged to view your eldest daughter as a member of their family. Your DH made the choice to bring her into his family; they didn't have any say in the matter, and how they define their family is up to them. You can define your family however you want.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of, but you do need to get it straight in your head that your two children have different families, and that your eldest child is significantly disadvantaged compared to her sister.

I agree, it was awful. I'd be heartbroken if it was my child. The little girl has known no father other than the op's husband, how confusing for her.

OP, I am furious on your behalf, the family behaved disgustingly. Now you know how they feel, goodness knows how you proceed from here.

I can see this is upsetting for you, but also this is a you problem. Your MiL wanted a photo with her grandchildren. Your elder daughter is not her grandchild. I am a step-parent and I understand the difficult dynamics and heartache of a blended family that isn't perfect. But ultimately, not everybody takes the view that a stepchild is family, and you have to learn to deal with this if you want to stay married. I think you are a poster who has previously posted about your DH's parents not including your DD in a family party when your oldest was at the dentist? If you are the same person you really need to get a grip of this siuation because continuing to feel slighted and unhappy every time your in-laws show you that they don't consider your daughter 'theirs' is unworkable. Therapy is probably necessary to work through this.

Same. I hate this “blood” business, it makes mine boil.

I think this is really sad. I understand your sadness OP. There is always the arguing that people can do whatever they want to do, which is true, but when you do something like this, you do it with the knowledge that it is going to upset someone. And if that’s someone is a small child, then it seems particularly unnecessary. I think we are far too precious about wedding photos being perfect these days. They are capturing a moment in time, and if interested that moment in time your daughter is part of the extended family, then she should be part of the photos.

@ProvoPrincess I think excluding your child is really shitty.

I have to ask, are you Irish?

They don’t sound too kind so never mind them. Not right to make a passive aggressive to a small child aimed at you.

It sounds as though they tried to avoid the 10 year old knowing they were being left out of a photo if they sent her inside.
As others have said, the solution would have been to have one with all the little ones and then one with immediate grandchildren. But then your 10 year old would have known they were being excluded. It's a no win situation. My mil wanted particular family group photos at our wedding because it was the first time ever that all her grown-up nieces and nephews had been in one place for about 15 years. She didn't want their partners. Just her actual relatives! The next time they were all in one place was at her husband's funeral so I'm jolly glad we let her have her photos.
I'd let the dust settle, offer a massive apology to your mil (who now doesn't have the one photo that she really wanted, presumably), and try to put it behind you.

What message does that send to the youngest when her older sister is treated a certain way. Older sister doesn’t see her biological father’s family, and sees OP’s husband as her dad. In the kid’s eyes they’re the same family- would be awful to taint the children’s implicit understanding of this by allowing DH’s family to play favourites.

This is very different to when a half sibling spends time with their father’s family. OP’s eldest lives with their family unit full time and in a practical sense is not much different than an adopted daughter to OP’s husband. The husband’s family are being mean and petty in excluding and treating a child that way. OP is 100% right not to normalise that behaviour just so her youngest can get the benefit of their favouritism