10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

I don’t think you handled the situation well in the moment.

But equally MIL and her sisters sound horrible. I just can’t fathom the mindset of wanting to exclude a child who their son/nephew loves as his own for the sake of some bloody pictures. As someone said upthread would they have excluded an adopted child?

I wouldn’t be rushing into an apology. When you are calm and the dust has settled you could say you regret the way you handled the situation. However you should stick to your guns that excluding eldest without warning was really poor form.

I’m not sure you reacted in the best way possible but that doesn’t mean your underlying instinct is wrong.

You and your DH need to be aligned but given how young your eldest was when you got together and the absence of their wider bio family I’d say treat both the same or don’t see either. No one has a “right” to photos of my kids so either have them both or neither.

This was a deal breaker for me though as we lost DH/DD’s dad in an accident when she was 2 months and was discussed with both DH and in-laws before we were married a bit and properly before we had another together.

Luckily my ILs are great and love me and all DCs as much as anyone in family.

Yanbu. There's a stepchild in my family (step nephew to me) and he's included in all group pictures.

It sounds like they knew you wouldn't like it as well and tried to do it behind your back.

How long have they been together? How often do you see them? From what age?

I included everyone in my wedding photos. Now I have pictures with all my nieces and nephews which include 2 children I will never see again because of a split, in my other photos I have their mum too, again I won’t ever see her again. For me it’s not a big deal, I’m was never overly bothered about my wedding photos. Others feel differently,

They've been in her life since she was 3, and before her Dsis was born, but they send her away for a family photo?

They sound like twats, honestly.

Blood is not the only thing that makes family.

I have step children and grandchildren and they’re all equal as far as I’m concerned.

To treat them less favourably because they aren’t ‘blood’ relatives is akin to Nazi Germany and the supposed superiority of the Aryan race.
Bloody pathetic!

So now you're letting them embarrass and gaslight you?

They did something shitty to a child.

Don't let them wriggle out of it.

I get the politics of this, and what some people might and might not want. But ultimately it was devious and mean. Taking one child off and telling the other to go inside. They knew exactly what they were doing and that it was underhand, and that you wouldn’t like it. Shitty behaviour - you lost either way but both your daughters saw you stand up for right over wrong and be inclusive regardless of making someone uncomfortable - well done you

I agree with you here. Unfortunately you made it about you and your feelings. Your kids know why you were upset and why you were crying. It was a wedding so you needed to let it go in the moment.

I understand why you were upset but your reaction was VERY strong. I think as someone else said you probably made your daughter feel bad or upset by your reaction instead of the picture.

Ummmm no it isn’t akin to that at all. But well done on Godwins law realisation.

No but it is awful and weird. There arw some lovely accepting posters on this thread. It is heartwarming.
Others should be ashamed making any child feel left out because BLOOD. Jeez!

In that vein, MIL can also feel what she wants. Personally, the half sister of my grandchild would also be family to me. It's not the same as an adult relationship which could deteriorate. They will always be siblings. But just because OP loves both girls equally, doesn't mean others will, or indeed have to. It sounds like a very unnecessary and dramatic outburst that surely will have highlighted or compounded any feelings that non-bio granddaughter had.

Op

You are not the one that should feel shame or embarrassment here. It is shocking. You were shocked and horrified. As anyone would be.

Your ten year old was oblivious until you made it about you and made a scene. Very embarrassing TBH

I disagree. What happened to your DD was awful, mean and incredibly hurtful. What a dreadful thing for a group of adults to do to a child. You did nothing wrong, nothing at all. You were shocked and upset in the moment, as you had every right to be. You showed your daughters how to be strong when injustice happens. You are absolutely not in the wrong, please don't apologise and let them make you feel like you over-reacted. I'd be horrified and appalled if anyone treated my step neices this way. It just wouldn't ever happen. I hope you're ok and that your DH supports you.

No I am entirely with you on this. People who are picky over who should and shouldn’t be in photos have a personality disorder in my opinion. It’s a photo, not some sort of sacred ritual. Why anyone should care if a non blood grandchild or even a totally random child should be in a photo with 10+ other people is beyond me. Same goes for idiots who want to edit people out of the background of photos.. it’s called real life. Stop trying to create fake realities.

That is not right, it was shocking for op. It should never have happened in the first place. They should be apologising profusely to op.

If she doesn't have a lot to do with them ordinarily, perhaps it is more understandable why they don't perceive someone who is not related to them, by blood or adoption, as truly part of their family. My understanding of the post is that she (eldest) came inside, but not that she was specifically upset or feeling rejected. I don't think they "did it behind her back" either. Perhaps they were just being discreet so as to not cause upset. I personally would have done some with her as she is a half sister to the youngest, not a stepsister. But I still don't think they did anything wrong. Again, at breakfast, after OPs behaviour the night before, I too would be on eggshells around her, because to me this sounds like a disproportionate outburst.

Also, am I the only person who hated being posed for photos as a child. I can truly say that not being in a photo, even of family, at a wedding, aged 10, is not something that would have upset me.

The OP has NOTHING to apologise for

Have you posted before? I only ask as if so, your husbands family have done this before?

Sorry, what?

OP, I think they should have included her in the photo, but I also think you overreacted. Had they not invited her to the wedding then yes thats worth getting upset about but the photo not so much.

As above
Bloody awful conduct from grown adults. I hope your DC didn’t realise what had happened. They have a lot of apologies to make and reflecting to do
your DH needs to take the lead on this

Just wanted to pop in to say it would be really easy with current technology in Photoshop to remove people from photographs if you want to. Especially if it’s an otherwise important one.

Do not apologise OP, you did nothing wrong xx