10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

When my now partners mother died we had been together 4 yrs and when they read out her children's names then the grandchildren they added my 3 didn't say step grandchildren, I think I cried more at that point than anywhere in the funeral.

My partner on a Friday always takes a Friday night selfie with himself and my son to put on Facebook, they have done it for years. If my partner's son and dad are here he will take photos with my son included and some he isn't but he has always done it in a way that no one should feel left out.

I didn't know my big brother was actually my half brother till I was about 7 and did the maths and realised my mum was only 13 when he was born and still to this day if someone calls him my half brother they get told he is my brother

OP do not waste another single minute
feeling embarrassed or ashamed and certainly do not apologise. The shame is on your MIL and her vile sister.

“Time to call mil & apologise “ Are you actually for real ?????, or maybe one of those awful Adult Aunts …
OP has said her husband has brought up her daughter as his own since she was 3 ..
Shitty , shitty behaviour at that wedding towards a 10 year old child , OPS husband couldn’t understand why they did that ..
To make the child feel as though she isn’t family , when she is ..

OP stop feeling bad , you’ve nothing to feel bad for .. x

My Son had 2 with his ex wife; he married again and she had 2. Daughter had 3. They all used to come for a meal to ours. During the meal, afterwards in the garden they all messed about together. Any stranger seeing them wouldn't be able to say who was not "blood". Lots of teasing, playing, laughter. I was so proud of them all, including parents, not making it us and them. Just all of us one "family" occasion.

Please don’t beat yourself up. They were doing a horrible thing. I would just be pleased you ruined their photo.

Good for you OP. You may feel like you made a drama but it was just an instant reaction. What they did was pathetic and showed their true colours. Why do people have this obsession with blood relatives. You shouldn’t exclude children.

You shouldn't feel ashamed OP, maybe you DH should though if he doesn't have your back. In-laws sound like a right set of twats, how dare they say that to your 5 year old and use her as an insult go between. Fucking bastards.

You were wrong to make a scene about this at someone’s wedding, when none of the children seemed to have been upset about it in the moment.

What harm would it have done, really, to allow the grandmother and her sisters to have that photo of them with their grandchildren together? You did ruin something that was special to them. It’s not like they were going to print it and give a copy to your eldest daughter.

This same issue comes up often on threads here. The thing is, just because your partner has chosen to be a father to your daughter, doesn’t mean all of his relatives will feel, or want to feel, the same way.

Well done op for sticking up for your daughter, I’d have done the same! This is her family regardless of blood and they behaved awfully.

No it wasn't.

OP's DH & his family are the only Dad, Gran etc that she's ever known & she's been part of the family 7 years, since she was 3. Longer than the younger sister!

Blood Is NOT what makes someone family.

would you say the same if she was adopted?

@ProvoPrincess

small minds often struggle, pity them.

It's a horrible thing to do to a child. It's something you never forget & you never feel the same again.

Tough Shit if they think you 'spoilt the moment'. YOU didn't, they did!

It's not OP who should have acted here, it's her husband. He should not have allowed this to happen.
And he should be adopting OP's oldest daughter so they can truly be a family. Imagine if he and OP died in the same accident. Would his estate only go to 'his' children then?

They are the gift that keeps giving aren't they. Bitch!

They're not afraid to include the youngest! She was point scoring & pathetic!

Disgusting behaviour on their part. There are children in my family who are not related to us by blood (one due to adoption and another as part of a step family) but nobody would ever dream of treating them differently to those who are blood related. Your instincts were right, I’d keep your distance from them in future.

OP’s husband took a photo with just his blood relatives too, if you bother to read the OP…

This, exactly. Bluntly, if you and your husband split up, your MIL won’t have any ongoing connection with your child from a previous relationship.

My parents lost their hearts to my sister’s longterm partner’s children from his first marriage, as did she, but when they split, he didn’t even allow her to say goodbye to them. They were too young to stay in contact independently. My parents never saw them again, either, and were heartbroken.

She’s now married to someone else with children from his previous marriage, and they aren’t letting themselves get too attached.

It’s not the same.

I agree with this

Absolute pathetic teenage behaviour from grown ass adults. So sorry to hear this ❤️

Anyone with any sense knows families come in all shapes and sizes, and that it’s unkind to make children feel less than, or left out.
In our family we include and celebrate everyone the same.
You need to really make DH recognise why this was awful. And he then needs to have a conversation with his family.
Until the family are on the same page with this very important issue, you should not have contact with them (or the kids). This needs to be resolved first so you can be sure your child won’t be hurt like this ever again.

God I hate shit like this, my dad’s wife did similar to my then 10 year old son on Christmas Day! She was my birthing partner and the first person to give him a bottle but told him to stand aside because she only wanted family in the photo. He was devastated and I could have killed her, my dad (eventually!!) divorced her but I never spoke to her again and I never had her around my child again.
It doesn’t matter who your in-laws see as family, you can’t single one child out, id be furious and I’d let her know why.

Sorry OP but you made a drama out of it when you didn't really need to.
It wasn't your day to spoil.

Exactly this. The OP should clarify who was in the previous photo because if it was her husband and just ‘his’ child in that photo, that completely changes the dynamics. And did he not notice only the blood children being gathered up and his elder child being sent inside?

Mixed feelings. I don't like upset children, but it's also rather distressing to grow to love step relatives, and then never see them again when the relationship breaks down. So I guess my question is, if you and your DH were to divorce would you be offering him contact with both children? Would he want it? Would he plan on given child support for both? Because if yes, then that is very much his child too, and the family should treat as such. If not? Mixed feelings, and would probably have suggested photos both with and without.

I'm sorry you were upset, but I can see their POV too. I also think you upset your daughter, who otherwise wouldn't have cared, by taking it personally.

My DHs brother was in a LTR with a woman for about 6 years who had two kids (able 2 and 3 when they met iirc). My MIL loved them. They're in all the family pics as is the woman. But they're no longer together. Nothing went horribly wrong, the couple grew apart and she moved w kids to other side of the country. We won't see these kids again but they're in every picture of every gathering.

Whatever happens in the future, your MILs (actual) grandchildren will be her grandchildren. She can have relationships with them even if there's a huge family falling out, which, tbf, is much less common than a divorce.

Similar but different, my DB is a serial monogamist. About 4 LTRs one after another, he's 50 so let's say 8-12 years each average. They're always "the one". Married two of them. So every family picture can be dated not just by our fashion but by which of his girlfriend/wives are in them. Also causes issues with current gf not liking all the photos of ex wife around my parents house but what can you do! We don't have any "just family" ones as he insisted they be included.

I understand your initial reaction was one of hurt and shock and why you reacted as you did even if was probably not how you'd have acted if you had time to prepare.
I also think they should have done 2 photos but ultimately do agree that just because your husband treats her as his own , it's not automatic that his extended family will do likewise .

This will all blow over. Try not to let it damage otherwise good relationships.