10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

It's abhorrent behaviour. It's not like you started dating last week FFS, he has raised her since she was three. Your ten year old behaved better than the adults.

Well done raising such a measured and calm little human.

It sounds to me like they did include the 10 year old in some photos but because she wasn't treated exactly the same as her sister that wasn't good enough and the scene ensued.

From what OP said, she was included in the general all guest photos, then not in the ones where grandchildren were specifically wanted. It's a fair point though, as someone who's suggested having taken 2 photos one with DD10 and one without, that would still have been treating her differently. And maybe OP would still have struggled with that.

Now that there have been multiple incidents like this it wouldn't surprise me if the rest of the family just gives up trying to please OP. If no compromise is ever going to be good enough then why even try? Perhaps this is why only the younger one has been invited to the cousins party, they could simply be fed up of this situation.

I’m sorry but it’s their wedding day and their pictures and they get to decide who is in them. I’m not saying it’s right but his family will obviously favour their relative’s child and relation over a child you had with another man.

Given your updates I think you are coming across as difficult, you were crying and carrying on and now the ILs have taken a step back from you/your eldest presumably to avoid you getting upset and further perceived injustices.

Maybe consider taking MIL for a nice day out with your girls to smooth things over.😬

I think you’ve read an entirely different thread. Take the mil out for the day? You have to be joking

I think it's very patronising to say OP is "coming across as difficult".

Whether or not her DH had been bringing her daughter up since the age of 3 or 9 is irrelevant. She's a child. She is part of a family. All members of that family should treat her as a full member of their family. Why is there all this division being made between blood members and non-blood members? It's cruel, but it's also completely ridiculous. Are second cousins somehow less in a family? How about babies born via egg donation? Or adopted members? Or married in members/in-laws? Family is about love, support and kindness, it's not about who has the most blood in common. OP is in the right here.

I think it's very patronising to say OP is "coming across as difficult".

Whether or not her DH had been bringing her daughter up since the age of 3 or 9 is irrelevant. She's a child. She is part of a family. All members of that family should treat her as a full member of their family. Why is there all this division being made between blood members and non-blood members? It's cruel, but it's also completely ridiculous. Are second cousins somehow less in a family? How about babies born via egg donation? Or adopted members? Or married in members/in-laws? Family is about love, support and kindness, it's not about who has the most blood in common. OP is in the right here.

It’s true, though. The child in question had been in other photos and her feelings weren’t hurt, until the OP swooped in, making a scene and crying in the hotel room in front of both children.

I think it was incredibly mean spirited of them to insist on photos without your dd and it highlights how they really feel. I wouldn't give a shit about having upset them to be honest, they are clearly just tolerating you. For info.....I was that stepchild for many years and no one made me feel any different thankfully.

OPs own description is that she made an idiot of herself and upset her kids, so 'coming across as difficult' is pretty mild!

And ultimately, she or anyone else on here can hold whatever views they want about how DSC should be treated within an extended family. These are clearly not shared by the people concerned. OP is not in a situation where she can enforce that viewpoint. What she really needs is to think about how she can manage this going forward, which doesn't include making people behave how she wants them to.