Page 6 | 10 year old snubbed at wedding

ProvoPrincess · 2025-07-22T18:36:17+00:00

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family, DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening. All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in. I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know. Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren. Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter. I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill. DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special. I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2025 23:38

mamagogo1 · 22/07/2025 19:48

Whilst it may seem awful, the reality is she isn’t a blood relative therefore it is their choice. I didn’t include my step daughters in my family portrait or vice versa. Also remember, if you split from your dp they wouldn’t see your eldest anymore

That's the way it is. But I can see why OP is hurt.

opportunisticcaketheif · 22/07/2025 23:43

HiRen · 22/07/2025 23:29

It's always the same with these threads.

The person you need to apologize to is your youngest daughter, who you snatched away from her wider family.

That wider family isn't obliged to view your eldest daughter as a member of their family. Your DH made the choice to bring her into his family; they didn't have any say in the matter, and how they define their family is up to them. You can define your family however you want.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of, but you do need to get it straight in your head that your two children have different families, and that your eldest child is significantly disadvantaged compared to her sister.

If she is significantly disadvantaged, as you say, then the decent thing for the family to have done was include her in the photos and everything else they include her sister in.

usedtobeaylis · 22/07/2025 23:44

I don't understand these picky dynamics at all. I can't imagine treating children in the family differently in this way. The whole concept of 'proper grandchildren' is bizarre. Adults are more childish than children sometimes.

usedtobeaylis · 22/07/2025 23:45

opportunisticcaketheif · 22/07/2025 23:43

If she is significantly disadvantaged, as you say, then the decent thing for the family to have done was include her in the photos and everything else they include her sister in.

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The 'disadvantage' seems to be wholly created by adults who should know better!

junkmaail · 22/07/2025 23:46

ChristOlive · 22/07/2025 20:03

So even you know how unreasonable you’ve been. Were you drunk?

Time to call MIL and apologise.

When you have children with different dads, they will always have different families. It’s a choice you and your DH made, not those distant relatives. They are kind enough to include her and not make her feel awkward, but unfortunately you have.

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Bollocks! You’re not unreasonable to be upset about this and you don’t need to ring your MIL and appologise. They all sound like a bunch of witches.

Vaxtable · 22/07/2025 23:47

You did nothing wrong, they are both your children and it makes me so sad when people treat children in the same marriage, adopted, blended or both partners own differently.

at 10 it’s cruel to children to star5 tearing them so obviously differently and your mil should be ashamed of herself

personally i would now be going no contact and your dh can have all the dealings with her, and no unless both children go and see her none will

namechangedforvalidreasons · 22/07/2025 23:47

ProvoPrincess · 22/07/2025 20:00

I made a complete and utter idiot of myself and upset my children.

At Breakfast my eldest was subdued while youngest ran to fuss over the aunt’s great grand child. The aunt said to my five year old to ask your mum if you’re allowed,

The aunt is a cow. Whether she thought you were in the wrong or not she shouldn’t have said a word to a wean.

Starsabovemee · 22/07/2025 23:49

YANBU OP, you did nothing wrong and I am not surprised how angry and upset you feel.

"Blood relatives" do me a favour what is this - Peaky Blinders? It's a photo ffs. Unecessarily cruel and horrible people.

HiRen · 22/07/2025 23:50

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 22/07/2025 23:37

What message does that send to the youngest when her older sister is treated a certain way. Older sister doesn’t see her biological father’s family, and sees OP’s husband as her dad. In the kid’s eyes they’re the same family- would be awful to taint the children’s implicit understanding of this by allowing DH’s family to play favourites.

This is very different to when a half sibling spends time with their father’s family. OP’s eldest lives with their family unit full time and in a practical sense is not much different than an adopted daughter to OP’s husband. The husband’s family are being mean and petty in excluding and treating a child that way. OP is 100% right not to normalise that behaviour just so her youngest can get the benefit of their favouritism

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The message it sends to the youngest child is that not everybody in her family sees her half sister as a member of that family. That's it.

If all parties don't accept the eldest girl the way the DH has, it would be utterly wrong to pretend otherwise. It's not complicated, and children aren't stupid. You're being patronising suggesting that children can't understand different rules in different families. You're also having a laugh by thinking the OP can allow or disallow DH's family to behave this way or that. They're also not playing favourites (what a nasty spin to put on it): they wanted a family photo, and OP stepped in to stop that from happening because of HER feelings about HER children.

It's not the wider family's duty to compensate for the lack of family on the eldest's biological father's side. I wouldn't want to compensate for that, and certainly not be pressured or guilted into it (equally I wouldn't exclude a child like this, I would in reality make quite an effort depending on my relationship with the OP. But it would be my choice to make.). This is the OP's doing: she brought her eldest into this family, nobody forced her. She is putting both of her girls through this, for her own reasons. That's a terrible thing to do to them.

Separately, if this is indeed the poster who took her youngest away from a party after stumbling upon it after returning from the dentist with her eldest: this poster has deeper issues. Posting repeatedly on MN about them isn't going to resolve them. It won't make the anguish go away.

HiRen · 22/07/2025 23:53

opportunisticcaketheif · 22/07/2025 23:43

If she is significantly disadvantaged, as you say, then the decent thing for the family to have done was include her in the photos and everything else they include her sister in.

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Decent, perhaps. But I don't think they're morally obliged to do so. The moral obligation is on her mother, and the man who chose to be her step-father. Nobody else had any say in the matter.

opportunisticcaketheif · 22/07/2025 23:54

HiRen · 22/07/2025 23:50

The message it sends to the youngest child is that not everybody in her family sees her half sister as a member of that family. That's it.

If all parties don't accept the eldest girl the way the DH has, it would be utterly wrong to pretend otherwise. It's not complicated, and children aren't stupid. You're being patronising suggesting that children can't understand different rules in different families. You're also having a laugh by thinking the OP can allow or disallow DH's family to behave this way or that. They're also not playing favourites (what a nasty spin to put on it): they wanted a family photo, and OP stepped in to stop that from happening because of HER feelings about HER children.

It's not the wider family's duty to compensate for the lack of family on the eldest's biological father's side. I wouldn't want to compensate for that, and certainly not be pressured or guilted into it (equally I wouldn't exclude a child like this, I would in reality make quite an effort depending on my relationship with the OP. But it would be my choice to make.). This is the OP's doing: she brought her eldest into this family, nobody forced her. She is putting both of her girls through this, for her own reasons. That's a terrible thing to do to them.

Separately, if this is indeed the poster who took her youngest away from a party after stumbling upon it after returning from the dentist with her eldest: this poster has deeper issues. Posting repeatedly on MN about them isn't going to resolve them. It won't make the anguish go away.

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What a really unpleasant take.

HiRen · 23/07/2025 00:00

I agree re unpleasant: it is unpleasant to raise two children in the same home in such different ways. OP (if it's the same one) has been trying for months and years to push a square peg into a round hole, and I feel terribly for both girls who are witnessing this. Truthfully: she shouldn't have had another child without establishing first that her existing child wouldn't be disadvantaged by comparison. If she couldn't establish that - she shouldn't have had a second child. It can be very damaging to do this to children.

Rabbitsockpeony · 23/07/2025 00:01

ProvoPrincess · 22/07/2025 20:00

I made a complete and utter idiot of myself and upset my children.

At Breakfast my eldest was subdued while youngest ran to fuss over the aunt’s great grand child. The aunt said to my five year old to ask your mum if you’re allowed,

The aunt is a cunt.

Starsabovemee · 23/07/2025 00:02

HiRen · 23/07/2025 00:00

I agree re unpleasant: it is unpleasant to raise two children in the same home in such different ways. OP (if it's the same one) has been trying for months and years to push a square peg into a round hole, and I feel terribly for both girls who are witnessing this. Truthfully: she shouldn't have had another child without establishing first that her existing child wouldn't be disadvantaged by comparison. If she couldn't establish that - she shouldn't have had a second child. It can be very damaging to do this to children.

This is completely nuts.

lovemetomybones · 23/07/2025 00:03

Don’t regret! You did the absolute best thing you could for your children in that moment. It was the actions of family that was divisive and at breakfast it’s evident that they absolutely didn’t see the error of their ways. You have given your daughters a standard that needs to be met, that they should not be divided.

im fortunate that my family doesn’t exclude step children as I have two. I would be as assertive as you were if this situation occurred.

your husband now needs to step up and manage his family and hold that standard.

Onthemaintrunkline · 23/07/2025 00:18

Is there no end to some peoples unkindness. To do this to a child, in my opinion is unforgivable. I’m so very sorry this happened on what was meant to be a day of celebration.

Hedgehogbrown · 23/07/2025 00:23

So if you and your partner got divorced would your daughter go and spend time with that family ? Would he still take her out and have the same relationship with her and he does his child? You have got to consider these things. You need your kids to be treated equally but his extended family don't have an equal relationship with her, and you can't force it. You could have just said 'is it ok if we do one with daughter 1?' then had a token picture at the end.

Hedgehogbrown · 23/07/2025 00:24

HiRen · 23/07/2025 00:00

I agree re unpleasant: it is unpleasant to raise two children in the same home in such different ways. OP (if it's the same one) has been trying for months and years to push a square peg into a round hole, and I feel terribly for both girls who are witnessing this. Truthfully: she shouldn't have had another child without establishing first that her existing child wouldn't be disadvantaged by comparison. If she couldn't establish that - she shouldn't have had a second child. It can be very damaging to do this to children.

I agree with this. I know people who would have liked to have children with their partner, but just couldn't alter the dynamics in the family, so didn't do it. People seem quite cavellier about this on the whole.

Mantii24 · 23/07/2025 00:27

it’s disgusting. as a stepchild, on my stepmother’s side ive been not invited or included in weddings as a child even up to an adult & let me tell the rejection does not go away. the pain is not so evident now as a mum to kids of my own but it still stings.
i had half siblings and we were so close in and i remember at xmas and easters my siblings who were there ‘real’ grandchildren would get lots of expensive gifts and i would have to sit there and say thankyou for my £1 bag of sweets. thought counts yes but if it were my decision. i would have preferred them to do the whole thing with them when j wasn’t around. people are horrible and they don’t deserve to have w single with their real grandchild if they’re going to exclude their other siblings!

its disgusting & u should confront the ringleader of this behaviour.

pourmeadrinkpls · 23/07/2025 00:29

MidnightPatrol · 22/07/2025 19:42

These situations are very complicated.

I understand why you feel upset that your daughter was excluded.

But - I also appreciate why your MIL might not consider her equally to her own granddaughter, as ultimately, she isn’t.

Thinking about my own ‘step families’, I don’t think I’d expect to be in family photos of theirs. I’m not their niece or cousin or child etc. It is different.

I am unsure about your reaction - this may just be drawing attention to it and teaching your elder daughter she should be upset / feel rejected. Probably better to teach her to brush it off, roll your eyes etc? Difficult to get a ten year old to understand the dynamics.

Edited

This. Sorry she's not the granddaughter and it's perfectly reasonable for her not to be included in all the photos.

Saladbar · 23/07/2025 00:34

MidnightPatrol · 22/07/2025 19:42

These situations are very complicated.

I understand why you feel upset that your daughter was excluded.

But - I also appreciate why your MIL might not consider her equally to her own granddaughter, as ultimately, she isn’t.

Thinking about my own ‘step families’, I don’t think I’d expect to be in family photos of theirs. I’m not their niece or cousin or child etc. It is different.

I am unsure about your reaction - this may just be drawing attention to it and teaching your elder daughter she should be upset / feel rejected. Probably better to teach her to brush it off, roll your eyes etc? Difficult to get a ten year old to understand the dynamics.

Edited

This is vile! This is the only family this little girls knows. What a disgusting way to make her feel less than.

People who treat adopted or stepchildren as other are so gross to me.

HiRen · 23/07/2025 00:39

Hedgehogbrown · 23/07/2025 00:24

I agree with this. I know people who would have liked to have children with their partner, but just couldn't alter the dynamics in the family, so didn't do it. People seem quite cavellier about this on the whole.

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My brother didn't have children of his own, because his wife already had DC of her own (totally absent bio dad). He didn't think it would be fair to his step-children or any future bio children. He also already knew that our parents wouldn't accept his step-children as their grandchildren (they haven't) and that would have been amplified if he'd had DC of his own - a mess he didn't want to create.

Those step-children have children of their own now, and he has no regrets. The step-children are great people - I don't know them well, but well enough - and the step-grandchildren I've met are just delightful. But even to me, after over 20 years, they're not his. I keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, but in my mind they're very much SIL's children and grandchildren, and "just" beloved and cherished members of my brother's family.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for the choices he's made, the husband and step-father he's been. I couldn't do it. It would have been too hard for me.

Soontobesingles · 23/07/2025 00:43

Saladbar · 23/07/2025 00:34

This is vile! This is the only family this little girls knows. What a disgusting way to make her feel less than.

People who treat adopted or stepchildren as other are so gross to me.

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Adopted children are not the same as stepchildren. Adopted children are your children/grandchildren whatever. Stepchildren are not. They are in-laws. They are there by proximity to your/your child’s/sibling’s spouse - they have another parent and another family who they may or may not see, but who exist, and as with all in-laws if the marriage ends so does the proximity to spouse’s family. It doesn’t seem to me that cruel to have one photo with grandchildren. The reason that the children are upset about this is because OP has some obviously quite deep seated unresolved feelings about the reality that her eldest is not her DH’s child. It is not on anyone else to resolve that for her.

Saladbar · 23/07/2025 00:47

I think it’s really hideous that so many people are saying it would be normal for the husband to raise a child he entire life and then cut and run if he splits from her mother. If that is true then he isn’t a Dad at all.

pourmeadrinkpls · 23/07/2025 00:50

Saladbar · 23/07/2025 00:47

I think it’s really hideous that so many people are saying it would be normal for the husband to raise a child he entire life and then cut and run if he splits from her mother. If that is true then he isn’t a Dad at all.

Agree with you completely, but it does happen in the majority of cases in RL.