10 year old snubbed at wedding

[ProvoPrincess]

DH has raised my eldest since she was 3. She does not see her biological family,

DH’s cousin got married at the weekend. It was a perfect day up until the early evening.

All the kids were playing together outside when all of a sudden my ten year old appeared next to me inside. I asked where her sister was and she replied that she had been taken off by one of DH’s cousins and told her to come in.

I went to investigate, not that I thought she was in danger or anything but I just wanted to know.

Mother-in-Law and her sisters were having official photographs with their proper grandchildren.

Something came over me and I called out to my youngest daughter to come to me. As I was approaching group a cousin’s partner said to wait a bit as they wanted a group photo of all the sisters with grandchildren. I just grabbed my daughter.

I tried to find my husband but he was in another outside space and it turned out he had been in a photo immediately before I had come out. I went back to the room and just cried in front of both kids. I pretended I was ill.

DH couldn’t understand why they didn’t include my eldest but MiL’s eldest sister just said I had ruined something special.

I am angry, upset and also full of shame and embarrassment.

The aunt is a snide twat.

Everyone could have behaved better here. Don’t beat yourself up about it, I think it was unnecessarily mean (and also roll eyes at the bride and groom even caring about getting this photo to the extent they would exclude a child that is part of the family). The comment by the aunt the next day is so snarky you can’t dignify with a response.

The child wasn't upset until her mother brought her in to the other room and then started crying herself!

This comment smacks of sarcasm, not fear.

That is so unfair of the aunt

I get why you’re upset, and morally they were wrong. But should you and your dh split in the future, chances are, as he hasn’t adopted her, he would have no rights to see her again, and by extension that would include his family. So I guess there is always going to be that aspect that plays out in their heads. Personally I would have included her though in the photos.

Times like this you have to be the better person. To cry infront of your kids at a wedding over photos is crazy.
Yes silently fume but that is it.
You should've taken the 10yr old for a coke and distracted her.

Bollocks are they afraid, they're trying to have a dig via a CHILD which makes the aunt pretty pathetic.

You are not being unreasonable OP. As PP have said, there was nothing stopping them from having your daughter in one of the photos to make her feel included. Ignore the snarky comments.

Do you have much to do with these people in general, OP? If not, then sod it - you did the right thing and your daughter will remember it.

@ProvoPrincess I hope your dh calls out your mil for doing that!!!

People who care more about a stupid photo than the feelings of their friends/family are absolutely pathetic.

Why were your children upset if they thought you were ill? Have you spoken to MIL since?

Have you posted about your frustration at your husbands family not accepting your older daughter before?

I would feel the same as you.

It’s shitty behaviour. What if you and your husband adopted a child? Would they be excluded because they’re not blood?

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

It's a shame you reacted in that way. Your daughter may not have noticed at all if you hadn't. Your 10 year old is obviously included in family events . I don't see anything inherently wrong with the family having a photograph with their grandchildren . Your daughter isn't their grandchild. They appear to love and care for her so if you had just accepted it raised your eyebrows to yourself and just carried on, there would have been none of this drama.

People always use the "well what if a child was adopted" as if it is a massive gotcha when it's entirely different.

An adopted child legally becomes part of the adoptive family. A step child has their own birth family. It is not the MIL's fault that this 10 year old does not see her biological family. It is entirely unreasonable for the OP to expect to erase history and for all these adults to kid on that the 10 year old is just the same as the other biological grandchildren, however OP wants to create that scenario.

It's not the child's fault she is in this situation either though and getting the grandchildren together for a photo could have been handled with more tact and diplomacy to protect her feelings.

My MIL is exactly like you.
She has 3 biological grandchildren from DH’s sister, and then my 3 from my previous marriage.
She treats all 6 of them exactly the same.

Well both can be true. I mean if the op has to shout her child away from a mere photo and then broke down crying I’d be pretty scared of what would set her off next.

The ten year old was unbothered until her mum made a scene.

Yes. You fall out with people, you lose touch, new people come into your life, sadly people pass away.

I treasure my wedding photos because it was a perfect moment and a perfect day - and the people in the photos were the people there on the day. If I were to have another wedding (not happening, love my husband, and vow renewals are out of our price range at the moment) I would have a different guest list - some would be the same, some absent, some new.

My son lives with a woman who has two children. I have NO grandchildren!! I can't believe anyone in their right minds would imagine I do have.

Agree, in front of her other (presumably totally bewildered) children.

Totally. And if I'd seen how upset someone was about a situation I wouldn't want to recreate it so would check the younger child was allowed to be part of the next interaction without her older sister. I don't think the aunt was being snide at all.