DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

I agree with him being scared and terrified of being left. He's upset his Dad is leaving and he doesn't want to show that so he's pretending he doesn't care.

It sounds like you've made so much progress. I think if you can get regular contact with his dad and he sees that neither you of you two are going anywhere and you love him then it might start helping to improve things.

I know it's not the point but you and your ex sound so lovely together and work well as a team that I am wondering why you split up.

Sounds like hes doing coke and drinking using thc pen for the come down. The anger proves it. Yep dealt with this with my ex partner. And hes still an ex and still trying to get in good books but hes still an addict and I had him here earlier kicking off. So drug services.

And yours reeks of deliberately looking for something to be offended by.

For my son it was a phase to avoid stuff he couldn't deal with.

Whether this applies to the OPs son, only she knows. But she is asking for help and support in an extremely difficult time and I am sharing my experience in a similar situation.

“The anger” proves nothing.

Maybe read the many, very thoughtful, updates by the OP.

High heart rate also says probably coke. How much money does he ask for at a time cokes around 30 to 40 quid for a bag

Also… sometimes it genuinely is just a phase. That phase seems to be coming in younger now too. My DN was sure she was a lesbian for about 9 months at 11/12, secondary school started and now it’s all about boys and she says she’s straight.

Some kids are gay, some kids are going through a phase/ trying things out.

Your family is in crisis, as you well know. You need professional help for your son, who is drowning in his negative thoughts and feelings. I am glad his dad has stepped back into a relationship with his son, that could prove very helpful. Do everything you can to get him help.

Ffs

Sorry to hear his dad's leaving upset him. Please suggest that his dad texts/calls him every day, even if he doesn't pick up.

Will you be staying near the theatre? It is a fairly quiet walk via St James Park to the Thames, then along the Thames to the LGBTQ+ community centre (not far from Tate Modern, it will be busier on the south bank). You'll see Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, London Eye (+ slight detour to Downing Street). I don't think the Centre has any relevant events on for him that day, but it has a café, and he'll meet some perfectly average gay people.
https://londonlgbtqcentre.org/whats-on
You could do a 5 minute detour via Retro Bar (George Court) which is a relatively quiet gay pub (compared to those in Soho - doesn't serve food).

Re Manchester Pride, it will be busy in some places but quieter in others. Do check the route in advance and plan. There is an associated youth group for 14-18s that seems to run fairly regular free events:
https://www.instagram.com/youthpridemcr

More low key - maybe you could watch RuPaul's Drag Race UK together when it starts again this autumn?

True but we would never say this for a straight kid. Because we assume being straight is the norm and anything else is different. Your DN might be bisexual, and hasn't figured it out or maybe she's straight. But we always like to assume anything not 'straight must be a phase. Especially when it comes to bisexuality, people always have the same line of you'll either become gay or straight later and never recognise that it's a whole seperate thing. Not trying to say your experience isn't true, just talking about the normal use of 'it's a phase'.

In the sense that most people are straight, it is the norm. It’s okay to assume most people will fall in the most common category as long as we stay understanding that some will not be in this group. Dismissal of gay or bi kids is obviously bad and can have an impact on the kid but it’s also good to let kids know that they can go through phases while they are working themselves out.

I think it’s better to be safe than sorry and to say “it might be a phase, it might not!”. That way they still have the freedom to change their mind whilst knowing they are accepted either way.

After reading your posts, I'm actually backtracking a bit on the suicide suggestion. It sounds to me like he's a bit overwhelmed, probably going through teen changes also and that he needs grounding. It sounds like youre doing a great job already, especially to hear that he is talking to you about how he is feeling and is excited about the idea of going places.

He seems to have strong feelings about his dad and your partner. I wonder would spending some time with him, just the two of you help. It sounds like he's overwhelmed by his feelings/or whatever is going on for him and needs some reassurance/comfort. It can be harder for teenagers to tell you when they need your comfort/guidance but it sounds like he needs just that, without your ex or partner there by the sound of things. He could talk to you more too about what's going on with him

I’ve been lurking on this thread for a couple of days now and I really admire your strength OP. You’re doing brilliantly in this situation. You and ex are really coming together for your boy too which is great - all you see on MN is exes at each others throats so that is refreshing.

When you first started posting your updates I kept thinking ‘maybe sectioning is the right thing here’ - especially with the violence towards you.

Then it seems like his calm has come through a lot more when you and ex started giving him dedicated attention. It’s almost as if he would start to get irate but when faced with a bit of TLC and a warm ‘we’re not going anywhere and we are here for you’ you seemed to have a breakthrough.

I do think you definitely need to keep trying to get professional help for him, but in the interim, why don’t you and ex sit with DS and make a calendar of set in stone regular activities you do together. So week one mum goes out to Nando’s with DS, week 2 dad goes to the movies, week three all go to the theatre? Perhaps he just needs to feel that someone cares and someone wants to be around him / do things? And I’m not saying at any point that you’ve neglected his feelings, I just think it needs to be a lot more pronounced and made a big deal of. Maybe in time he will open up more to external help.

sending you lots of luck

Posters telling the OP she should leave her partner because her physically and verbally abusive 16 year old teenager doesn’t like him need to give their head a wobble.

It sounds like he has a drug problem and/or a mental health crisis. He needs professional help not pandering to and excused for his frankly vile behaviour towards OP and his Dad. I would also be concerned for their own safety as PP mentioned.

I read all of your posts.
To be honest the fact he brought up painkillers, I would think he is struggling with depression and using alcohol,THC and anger to cope.

As someone who also struggled with depression as a teen, my advice is to continue what you are doing regarding the small things and build up from there. The watching a film, suggest a musical you think he might like, order his favourite food. Don't bring up anything, let him be comfortable around you again and he will start to open up.
Maybe write him a letter and leave it in his room. Telling him you accept him, his sexuality. That you understand how it feels to be his age and the pressure to have it all worked out. Explain he doesn't have to, ask him what he would like to do if he had the choice and when he is free, you'll love to hear what that is.

Don't keep focusing on what happened in the past with that older boy. It's done now. Yes there is risk of it happening again but you need to build that safe space and trust slowly with him.
At the moment it seems the depression and anxiety is making him lash out and think everyone is against him and it's a hard to be in that place.

Hope you're all okay OP? xx

Hope you’re doing okay @Worriedsick89

Hope everything's OK. Been checking in.