DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

You poor thing, you sound like a loving parent but I honestly think your ds is very mentally ill. Ill in what specific way I don’t know but he is evidently very unwell. He needs proper professional help. I really hope you can get it for him. 🙏🏼

Hi Op I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I really hope that your son is able to get the help and support that he needs. I think it’s good that his dad is on board now. Good luck to you all.

You're doing incredibly well. It's huge that he felt able to talk to you both a bit last night, even if he's going to minimise it now. Been reading your posts the last few days, I'm really feeling for you and in your corner

I get this impression that this is a teen looking for love and security and distraction from his worries (finding a boyfriend and making his own life?) he needs guiding into healthier habits be that going together to the local dog shelter and walking the dogs, going together to do the shopping and cooking together, regular meal pattern pizza every saturday bacon sandwiches every Sunday, cinema every Wednesday afternoon, learning mah jong together what ever but in a scenario where you never ever stand him up, his dad to come regularly and take him bowling and Nando’s every Tuesdays without fail. Find a mentor eg a grandparent or friend to come and sit for coffee and biscuits and leave them to talk for a few minutes so he can build confidence speaking to others. I’m afraid your partner potentially reduces his feelings of security. Be clear how the relationship does not risk ds his security. He has had a lot of upheaval and worries. I think he wants to know you he and his dad are all safe and all on the same side. He may have been assaulted in some way or taken drugs but he understands that staying out all night was unwise no need to push his mistakes on him. Take a positive approach, give him things to look forward too and find ways for him to have fun and relaxation. Watch task master or play a board game etc. Give lots of time more listening than talking, plenty of reassurance and predictability. Need him. Need his regular help with something so he can find some self esteem and value etc.

Ex said DS was calm the whole time they were out – mostly just on his phone, but at least he was talking, which is more than we’ve had some days. Apparently they chatted a bit over food – DS brought up how they used to always go to Nando’s after football when he was younger, and ex asked if he’d like to go to a match again sometime. DS said “maybe,” which was actually quite promising… but then out of nowhere, he just shut down. Said he wanted to go home, that he “hated” ex and didn’t know why he’d even come out with him.

Ex said he had no idea what changed – one minute they were fine, and the next he’d gone cold. I have no clue what was on his phone that triggered it, but now I’m worrying. DS told him something had annoyed him, but when ex asked what it was, he snapped “none of your business.” Didn’t say a word on the drive home – just stared out the window the whole time.

When he came in, I asked how the film was and he just said “fine” and went straight upstairs.

Then a few minutes later he came back down and started on at me – said he knew I’d been in his room and asked why I thought it was okay to “go through his stuff like a freak.” I said I was just tidying up, and he snapped that some of the clothes were clean and that I “can’t do anything right.”

Then he spiralled again, listing off all the things he says we’ve done wrong – stuff from years ago, little things he’s clearly been holding onto. Said his dad “won’t care once he’s gone back up north so what’s the point in pretending.”

Ex tried to reassure him, but DS just rolled his eyes and walked off again. He’s in his room now. It’s quiet, but I’m on edge.

I’m honestly dreading ex going back. He’s staying here tonight and tomorrow but can only stay a few days because of work, and I don’t know how I’ll cope when he leaves. I don’t have any family support – my parents passed away years ago, and I don’t have any siblings.

I’ve drifted from most of my friends because I just can’t do the normal things anymore – even meeting for a quick coffee feels impossible. I dread what DS will get up to if I leave him alone for more than an hour.

My partner listens, but he doesn’t help – and I don’t really expect him to. DS has made his feelings about him very clear, and it’s a constant source of tension. He wasn’t happy when he found out ex was staying over – even in the spare room. Said he should’ve got a hotel 🙄

It’s not just in the daytime he kicks off, either – night is often worse. I lie awake worrying he’ll sneak out again, or that something worse might happen while I’m sleeping. I don’t feel safe, and I don’t feel like he’s safe either. It’s exhausting, trying to keep everyone calm and happy while just holding everything together.

Ex has told me I should go out tomorrow – even just for a couple of hours – and that he’ll stay with DS. I might try. I don’t even know what I’d do, but I think I need to breathe.

Thank you to everyone who’s commented, especially those of you saying I’m doing well or sharing your own experiences. It means a lot – genuinely. Hearing that people have been through similar and come out the other side gives me hope, even if I can’t quite see the light yet.

Definitely go out tomorrow. Even if it's just to a local coffee shop for a quiet cuppa.

It sounds like DS is wanting to engage, but as soon as you cross his invisible line, he shuts down.

Other posters with more knowledge than me have suggested that he might be having a mental health episode - it could have been triggered by weed. A lot of people swear blind it's harmless, but it's not. It can cause/exacerbate anxiety and paranoia. It did with my DS.

You are being so strong. I know how hard it is to be where you are. Keep on doing what you are doing, trying to engage, but try not to cross his invisible line - it's a tricky balancing act.

I hope your ex can come back next weekend as it will reiterate that DS is loved and cared for.

Some of this might still be a reaction to your cancer. He might be scared of getting close to you in case he loses you again.

But it's still shit for you, whatever the root cause.

💐 Stay strong.

Section... 😔

It sounds like your son feels deeply unloved by you and his dad. Its obviously circumstances (divorce, cancer, New partner) and being gay as well and not having a social circle makes him feel he doesnt belong anywhere.
He obviously needs help. Validate his every single feeling. Over and over again. Make him feel seen, heard, cherished. Stop talking about problems. Stop telling him youre worried. Have light, normal(ish) conversations, and if he opens up, say he wishes he was deadline, repeat it back. You wish you were dead? How come? Now one cares about me. You feel like no one cares about you. I understand.
Dont try to fix. Be there. Fully. Tell your new partner you need some time for yourself and ds.
Believe in your son. He will figure it out. Tell him you Believe in him. You're doing well ❤️

Just one unusual suggestion. The fruity/odd/hard to place smell on him. Could it be ketones? Is he diabetic? High ketones = fruity breath, nausea, vomiting, excessive tiredness, confusion, moodiness. Just making sure it’s not an actual medical problem?

I recommend a swim.

Not sure if anyone else has suggested, they probably have... But @Worriedsick89 have you considered therapy for yourself? I apologise if somewhere in this thread you've said you've attempted or are accessing it for yourself already. You said you had no support really, so I assume not.

Speak to a professional, this is absolutely the sort of thing that therapists are there for. You have said you have basically no support at all and tbh, even if you had a large group of friends to turn to, an objective and professional source would help.

I haven't read the full thread so this might have already been mentioned but the thc vape probably isn't thc. It will be spice. A drugs worker told me thc is very expensive to make so when kids say they're taking thc it rarely is actually that. Who even knows what's in spice as ut changes all the time. Very dangerous stuff. It's highly addictive.

You need to ring the drugs team in your area who will do a home visit. It doesn't matter if he won't speak to them, they can be very convincing and used to opposition. Don't let him have access to money either.

I wonder if he is deeply disappointed inside and feels unwanted? Several things he has said which you post would support something like this.

I am not criticising you in any way.

He has had a lot of change and things to worry about as have you. It sounds like he expects to be let down (when ex said let’s see a game sometime) he felt some excitement then went cold maybe because it was a bit too vague maybe it felt like and empty promise a pipe dream? This could be a self esteem problem. Understandable. Maybe he just doesn’t think that will actually happen, that ex is really interested in being with him. If ex is interested in going to see a match then this morning he should say so. They should plan and book something if possible. Then it must happen as planned. There should be conversations before looking forward to it. There should be photos taken and shared after. Over time if this pattern is repeated frequently by both parents he may start to loose some of his suspicion that he is last on the list, unloved and unwanted which I know is untrue but when a parent lets a teen push them away the teen looses that parental safety net and feeling of security. Imaging you and ex are driving the figurative car that is his life and he is in the back seat he pushes out the driver however much he doesn’t like the driving or direction then he is suddenly at risk and feels frightened. What should the driver do? Stop safely offer reassurance. Agree some amendments to driving style and resume driving! So Don’t listen to his words too closely he may be testing you both by pushing you away, you can respond ‘DS you are our son and always our first priority and we’ll see you at [meal time for [family favourite meal] I am not suggesting he isn't loved at all I just think illness and moves of home parent and school however necessary and in best interest at the time do have pros but also cons. It is a good time for ex to be predictable and present and to a greater degree parental. DS may resist due to fear of failure and previous disappointment. If he rejects then replace the plan with still being present for him being his rock and available and in his proximity. If he refuses to go to the game then don’t be disappointed just say well we’ll do cinema and Nando’s this time and look for a game another time the main thing is to spend time together. Avoid giving him money but do be generous in your time together buy an online film without reference to how expensive it is, or treat foods or something to make him feel nice like aftershave or new jeans, DD il like to treat you to something nice this month help me choose and I’ll order online etc. Say it’s lovely to do these things together because it is - don’t then say and so much better than you going out and getting up to who knows what!
It is possible that (through love I know but) in telling him you are worried about him he only hears ‘DS you make the wrong choices every time’ ‘DS you have let us down’ through his filter of low self esteem?

He’s a hefty teenager, almost full grown, not “only 16”. I’ll say this now, this is going to end very badly if the OP allows this POS to stay in her home. I am genuinely concerned for HER, not him. All these psychoanalysts on here, just chuck him over to his father, who will hopefully be a physical match. The OP is going to get hurt or worse!

I hope today has not been too bad @Worriedsick89 x

Oh OP what an awful time you are all having. I haven't read the full thread but I have read all your updates. I hope you've managed to catch a bit of a break today while ex is still there.

As much as the thought it heartbreaking, I think you need to call the police next time there's an outburst that makes you feel unsafe. It might actually mean he gets some help.

He’s not a “POS”. He’s her son.

I wonder how many families in this sort of situation you’ve been involved in?

What a horrible attitude.

My "POS" came through his episode, and is now a pleasure to have at home. He has also said he is genuinely grateful that we stood by him through it all.

The prospect that we might have been encouraged to throw him out back then makes me want to cry at the thought of where he might be now without us.

Oh @Worriedsick89 this is so tough to deal with, I think you're doing brilliantly!

I can recognise some of that behaviour and thought patterns in myself at 14 to 18 ish..

He sounds like he is really really depressed, massively insecure and trying to drive you away... because every time he throws shit at you and you don't throw him out/get him sectioned/leave... it reassures him you are there, you are stability and security.

But each time he lets go a bit and trusts you, something in his head tells him thats dangerous so he slams the doors shut again, hurls some more shit at you to see if you'll fail and let him down..

He needs to accept help... I don't know how you get him to see that though, I really wish I had answers. You've definitely done the right thing in getting his Dad there and I think the longer that can be sustained, the better.

I can’t believe people saying it’s just a hangover. It doesn’t sound right. I would take him to A&E. It won’t be long before he is dehydrated.

Just replying to the person who asked about diabetes – no, he doesn’t have it. We’ve never had any indication of that.

He didn’t say much last night – didn’t come back down again after that final outburst. This morning he was quiet at first, didn’t really speak much, but then as the day went on he seemed to perk up and was chatting about little things here and there. Nothing deep, but it was nice just to have a more relaxed tone in the house.

I went out for a bit – just to a local café like ex suggested – and while I was out, his dad took him for a walk. When I got back they were still out, and when they came home DS actually seemed in a good mood.

Ex said he was chatty on the walk too – mostly light stuff, but there was one moment where he got a bit wound up. They passed a group of teenagers (probably around his age) and DS was convinced they were staring at him. He shouted something over to them and then got upset, thinking they were laughing at him. Ex asked if he knew them and he said no, so ex just told him to ignore it and they walked on. They ended up buying a drink and sitting down for a while. Ex said he could tell DS wanted to say something but seemed to stop himself.

When they got back, DS asked if we could order pizza and he actually sat and watched a film with us – no tension, no snide comments, just… calm. It’s the most peaceful it’s been in days. We’ve not brought up anything big today, just kept it light and steady. Trying to enjoy the calm while we’ve got it.

I'm sorry you grew up without emotional care, reassurance and language. Must be difficult for you and anyone close to you to see the world through such a cold lense 💐 Take care of yourself

I am so pleased you had a calmer day.

Has your ex made definite plans to come back? - maybe he could leave some clothes behind when he leaves tomorrow so that DS can see he means to come back?

As I said before, I think he has got himself into a headspace he doesn't actually like, and is now struggling to find a way back.

It's early days, and no doubt there will be further outbursts and similar behaviours again, but hopefully you have turned a small corner.

My gut feeling is he has found your separation from ex and your cancer far harder to deal with than he let on. Added to which you mentioned you have no immediate family, so he must wonder what will happen to him if you aren't around, there are no grandparents or extended family to step in. And you say he is gay and has very low self esteem about himself.

I am not excusing his behaviours at all, but I can see how a young lad might struggle to process everything.

I hope tonight stays calm

🤞

Great to hear there has been a positive turn. Wondering if you and ex can get some solid plans down for your DS to hold onto. I would be worried about how he might feel when his dad goes home.

I second this @Worriedsick89. He needs to have his dad closer to home (perhaps he can move). I know that's hard but for his son, he should prioritise him. How far away does he live? He needs to have a consistent schedule when he knows 100% he'll see his dad. He may feel like when you had cancer treatment, you abandoned him, (not blaming you, just seeing he may be interpreting it like that). Now he may feel like his dad has abandoned him after he came out and he's so far away. I think getting his Dad to apologise about how he reacted could be very helpful (even if he doesn't seem to appreciate it). It's also a good way to model good behaviour, of how he should behave, when he sees an adult doing it. Also it could be a good chance to repair the relationship.

Did DS answer the GP's phone call? Have you contacted any of the services many recommend? I know he's calm now, but important to still get services involved as he has a long road to go.