DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

No real advice. But i definitely wouldn't be giving him any money at all.
He has everything he needs at home. He doesn't need money.
And when he is ranting at you and being abusive. Then I would walk away and go to a different room.
It doesn't matter if the neighbours hear . It doesn't matter if the police are called.
If anything it may be a good thing.
His behaviour is abusive. Which is obviously really hard to deal with as its your child. But just playing his game is only making him worse and feel like he can do whatever he likes . To you and himself .

So sorry OP, it sounds really, really tough. The 2am demands for money seem to fit with some sort of drug use/addiction. That would also make sense with the extreme mood swings and selfish behaviour - I know some of that is normal for teenagers, but there's something about addiction that causes people to feel like victims, and blame everyone else.
I wonder if finding any support for yourself around living with someone with addiction issues would help, it might be a bit pre-emptive but peer support could be a good call. The really hard thing if it is addiction is there's very little you can do other than be alongside them and wait until they're ready to change. It's not something you can force on them.

Try and call the GP today and ask for an emergency appointment. The only thing you can do, is what you have been doing, which is try. A CAHMS referral might take a bit but it's better to ask now and wait - the time will still pass. Also if you say about the drugs, alcohol and potential substance abuse- they will speed it up. Try and exaggerate it if you can ( I mean it's already so bad but make sure you detail it all). The school refusal, the violent outbursts and potential impacts of drugs e.g psychosis. Then they'll have to do an Ealry Intervention referral which is much quicker.

Maybe call 101 (I think that's the non emergency police line?). They can refer to other services and also maybe ask the council if they have Family Support Services. Also as PP have said try and call Young Minds maybe for him (they can also refer, and be useful for support. Then maybe also call Samaritans for support for yourself.

At this point I’d be calling 999 for police to take him away. There are many forms of abuse, and that’s what he’s doing to you. And change your locks, chuck his stuff out and tell him he can go and live with his dad. I really would totally wash my hands of him. It’s also extremely rare for anyone to talk about suicide beforehand. You deserve a life and he’s destroying yours. Tough love I know, but he’s crossed the line numerous times and if he wasn’t your son, you wouldn’t have put up with it. 🤗

@Buzyizzy217 yeah...I was reticent to say this. But it's damaging OP's health and he'll act out towards her.

OP, I'm so sorry for you and the situation you find yourself in with your son.

I would be calling Young Minds - you need parenting support. It sounds like your son is struggling with his mental health and with substance abuse.

Do you have any support from other family members?

Is it possible to speak to your community police team about it? His behaviour is very very clearly abusive and at 16 id be very worried about what he’s going to be like in a few years as an adult. Clearly doctors and teachers can’t help but surely the police could at least try and talk some sense into him? I know he’s still only 16 but maybe now is the time for a more drastic approach if you feel like you’ve tried everything else?

Relative was like this at 13. Three decades on still the same.

OP my son school refused from age 14. He abused substances, to the point of us having to call an ambulance twice when he'd taken ketamine while drinking, and in response to a bad self-harming episode. He was severely depressed and withdrawn and overwhelmed with anxiety. He eventually stopped leaving the house.

It eventually culminated in a period of days of no sleep, self harming, increasing paranoia and delusions, and he ended up being sectioned at age 17 after 3 days in A&E.

He had a 3 month stay in children's secure unit, where he was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. He's still abusing substances (mainly prescribed drugs and alcohol), but his psychiatric medications have given him relief from his depressive symptoms and his delusions.

I'm wondering if what you're experiencing with your son is the emergence of serious mental illness? I think he really needs to be fully assessed by a psychiatrist - obviously this is really difficult if he's not compliant. Sorry to say something so negative. I appreciate that most young people going through what your son is going through emerge from it in a better place, but it's always important to consider whether this could be more than a transient period of teenage rebellion and unhappiness. What struck me from your posts was the degree of paranoia and persecution your son feels - both seemingly not rational responses to how he's been treated by you and his dad

Please call the police if he becomes violent. If they end up arresting him they'll get social services involved, and this may open some doors for you.

Really hope you get help.

Sorry - haven't read the whole thread, just your responses.

It sounds like drugs. We have just come out the other end with my daughter who was spending every single penny on cocaine. Her whole personality changed. She was awful. She would make up any excuse to try to get money out of us and steal it if we hadn't locked it away.

She was hospitalised twice and many of her symptoms were exactly like your sons.

She denied it every time we asked even though we had seen the empty baggies and it was obvious she was under the influence of something.

She has been clean for around 6 months now and is back to her lovely old self. She will now openly talk about it.

It is very hard to get help for them when they wont admit there is a problem. I really feel for you - its an awful thing to be going through.

Hi OP. I've no real advice to offer but wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's heartbreaking to see your son so clearly unwell and behaving like this.

I hope he gets the help he needs and manages to recover. And I hope you find some peace and get your little boy back xx

His behaviour sounds sociopathic. I would be contacting social services to see if he can be housed somewhere else because he sounds dangerous. I’ve known boys like this (similar abusive behaviour towards their mothers) and sadly they didn’t improve and are nasty abusive adults with criminal records. You have tried everything but there comes a breaking point. How long will you let yourself get verbally and let’s face it, at some point it will also be physical, abused?
I feel for his dad. He was only trying to protect his son and again the reaction from your DS is sociopathic.

I would take him to A&E. And if that doesn't in a referral to social services, I would phone them. Say you don't want him in the house anymore. That will make them take action.

It sounds like a lot of us have had mixed experiences with similar situations.

@Worriedsick89 really hoping this is a blip and he recovers well but for YOU I think a break is needed. When is ex arriving? See how it goes with him there but be prepared to take it further if son kicks off again? It's so hard, sending a hug

What makes you think he'd go to A&E with the OP? He's hardly compliant is he?

Maybe shivering in an a&e corridor for 14 hours is just what he needs.

He went to A&E two days ago and has been discharged. At least check the OP’s updates.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is all feeling a little too close to some kind of drug induced behaviour or even psychosis to rule out.

His behaviour seems irrational and like it jumps from one extreme to another - when my family member was in drug induced psychosis (he's gay and had been involved in chemsex) we couldn't predict his next move even if there was a million pounds on the line. It was too irrational.

His psychosis lasted a couple of days at a time and then he would sleep for what seemed like days and be absolutely starving afterwards. He would be aggressive and then tearful and then laughing his head off. Time of day didn't occur to him. It was sometimes uncanny though, not always outwardly obvious.

Even if it isn't that, I would encourage you to just familiarise yourself with the concept of chemsex, the abbreviations used for it on Grindr and the drugs involved in it, it can quickly take over someone's life even if they think they're just having fun, especially a vulnerable teen. Familiarise yourself just so that you're not on the back foot.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this, sending strength and solidarity your way.

"He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place" - this is something else that stood out to me - when my family member was using in the 'party and play' scene, he always had a very distinct smell about him - it was sweet and odd and unlike anything else.

He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place.

What kind of smell? Ammonia, sweet, petrol, vinegar, burning rubber?

I’m wondering what he was like in the early days. Did any assessments take place? Like Aspergers, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, etc? Is there alcoholism in the family?

(No pressure to answer, just my thoughts.)

Ah OK, I had to go back a bit but dad is getting there late afternoon/evening. I hope he's there soon.

I’m sorry he’s putting you through such a horrendous time.

Being violent and aggressive is a huge indicator that the money is for drugs. Also not wanting a blood test.

Call the police if he gets dangerous, because this sounds like it’s escalating and the more he gets away with it the more he will do it.

Could you make him live with his dad to get him away from the area and give you a break before it takes a real toll on your MH.

I do wonder how much he actually knows about the facts of your illness and recovery. He has already lost contact with his dad albeit through choice, it sounds like he has had limited success with in person friendships and has been bullied and discriminated against. You seemed to be his constant pre illness?

Often when people are scared, they push loved ones away so they're the ones in control, away of pushing someone away before the person can leave them.

In many of the scenarios that you've mentioned I've wondered if there would have been an opportunity to touch his hand, shoulder or hug him in the quieter times. Sometimes that can transcend words and cut through so much of the nonsense, it's almost primitive in how touch can connect in a way other things can't. Don't give up on that.

Is there a chance that he was spiked and assaulted? My friend had this happen many years ago in a park where he went to meet up with other men. It was truly awful and took a long time for him to admit what happened and get the help he needed. Again maybe showing an awareness of spiking, assault etc might open a light for him if not now then in the future.

Finally pick your battles. The bathroom, mess etc is a pain but maybe not worth acknowledging or causing a fuss about it when you've bigger fish to fry. It may take some wind out of his sails too if he doesn't get the reaction he expects. Even negative attention is attention to someone who is struggling as much as he is.

He's talking about harming people (who?), himself, and you. Time to have a chat with the police? Both about his and your own safety.

He's clearly buying something bad if he so urgently needs it at 2am.

"should’ve had an abortion" says more about him being unhappy than it does about your choices. I hope your ex is willing to form a united front - but also talk about him being gay. It does feel like you're all avoiding the topic?