DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

Thanks – I will try and call the GP tomorrow and push for an emergency appointment. I know people are right that even if the CAMHS wait is long, it’s better to be on the list than not at all. I’ve been so overwhelmed that I think I’ve just frozen a bit with everything. I’ll make a list of everything to mention – the school refusal, the aggression, the stuff about alcohol and possible drugs. I’ll try and stress the risks and hope it fast-tracks things a little.

Someone else asked earlier about his schooling – I did post more about it upthread but basically, he’s not on roll anywhere right now. He was at a 14+ college from September but only lasted about four weeks due to not turning up and mouthing off. He’d get the bus in, then either walk out halfway through the day or just not go to lessons at all. I even started taking the bus in with him and walking him to the door, but it didn’t help. He should be starting college again in September but honestly, that’s looking less and less likely by the day.

About the money last night – I was really worried it was for drugs, but when he finally woke up today he was surprisingly calm. He said he’d spent £25 on a game the other day and forgot that Disney+ comes out of his account tomorrow. That’s what he wanted money for – so it wouldn’t cancel. He showed me his banking app and everything looked normal. He did withdraw some cash on Monday night, but he said that was for the alcohol. I told him I wasn’t giving him anything after how he spoke to me, and he just said to take it out of next month’s allowance – he didn’t want to miss the end of the show he’s watching. I told him I’d think about it and he left it at that. Massive difference to last night.

He came down later looking for biscuits and started shouting at me for eating them (I hadn’t – I don’t even like those ones). Then he randomly started going off about my partner again and said, “next time I see that fat prick I’ll knock him out.” I obviously don’t tolerate talk like that, but once he’s in that state, it’s impossible to reason with him.

He also let slip that he “did take something” but then said it wasn’t drugs. When I asked what he meant, he just said “forget it” and walked off. So now I’m wondering again what’s going on.

His dad arrived mid-afternoon and DS didn’t even let him get properly in the door before yelling “what do you want?!” and telling him to f-off. Then he said he didn’t want him here at all. His dad had brought a hoodie and a couple of snacks for him – nothing fancy, just things he knows DS likes – and DS just threw them on the floor and told him “you can go now.” Then stormed upstairs and slammed his door.

We had a quick cuppa and ex asked if I thought whatever he took might still be affecting him. I said probably not by now, but he mentioned DS couldn’t seem to stand still for more than a few seconds – he was the same in hospital too. He asked if I’m sure DS hasn’t got anything stashed in his room. I honestly don’t know – but I can’t exactly go in there and check because he’s always in it.

Ex said he might suggest going to see the new Superman film together but doesn’t think DS will go for it.

Later, DS came down and accused us of talking about him and being obsessed. He started making some food, and ex made a comment about him coughing all over it (trying to be jokey) and said he didn’t want any. DS said “it’s my food anyway – you’re not getting any. I’d rather see you starve.” Then added, “or poisoned.”

He then burnt his hand on the pan and made a massive scene – shouting “ouch” and refusing to run it under the tap. Then he started yelling at us to stop laughing at him – even though we weren’t. It was all very performative. I’m used to it, but ex clearly isn’t and didn’t know how to react.

He did eat eventually and then announced he was going out. When asked where, he just said “anywhere away from you two.” I’ve got a knot in my stomach now just waiting for whatever state he comes back in.

It’s exhausting. It’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

Someone asked about assessments for autism or ODD – no, he hasn’t had any. The school support staff and the people at college said they didn’t think it was SEN. Of course they could be wrong, but he doesn’t really show traits either. He can make eye contact, understand sarcasm, has decent social skills (or used to), and has always been very emotionally switched on – sometimes too much. He just seems angry more than anything.

About the threats – it’s been me, his dad, my partner (they don’t get on), and “randoms” he says have disrespected him, usually online. He’s also said stuff like he’d “knock out anyone who looks at him the wrong way” and once threatened to “batter a bus driver” for telling him not to vape. I don’t know how much of it is talk and how much is serious, but it’s so hard to tell anymore.

He does know everything about my cancer – in an age appropriate way. He was only 11 when I was diagnosed and we didn’t hide it from him. We were close before that, but he was close to his dad too. Me and his dad split just before he turned 3, and he always saw him regularly. His dad moved back to his hometown when DS was 6, but he still came down a lot and DS would go up there for weekends and holidays. It’s only more recently that DS has started rejecting him completely.

Someone mentioned spiking or assault – and honestly, I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’d broach something like that with him. It has crossed my mind before, especially with how defensive and jumpy he can be, but I’m scared of saying the wrong thing and making it worse. I also don’t know what I’d do with the answer if it was yes.

Re the other night – when I found him drunk, I could smell vodka on him, but there was also a really sweet smell too. Not perfume exactly, more like that fake fruity scent you get from vapes or some spirits.

I just feel like I’m watching my child spiral and I don’t know how to catch him. I feel scared all the time now – scared of what mood he’ll be in, scared of who he’s hanging around with, scared of what might happen next.

He sounds absolutely awful. I’d honestly stop interfering now - he seems to love it and loves being cruel. I would grey rock him instead. Be uninterested in whatever bullshit insults he throws at you. Act bored or say “that’s nice”. Tell your partner to do the same. Never ever rise to his crap. He’s a spoilt nasty abusive brat and I can’t believe people are twisting themselves in knots trying to diagnose him with stuff. He might grow out of it but the way you’ve described him i actually doubt it. I think this is his personality. Yes I’m sure he has low self esteem and hates himself but abusers and narcissists tend to. Doesn’t make it okay.

Every abusive man has a poor mum somewhere who once thought or still thinks he’s her little angel.

I’m so sorry to read your updates. It sounds like such a nightmare situation and you’ve tried everything. I’m very worried for your safety so I’m glad your ex is there. I do think he may end up arrested or sectioned from the way his behaviour is continuing. I would also think he’s having a mental breakdown of sorts. The Jekyll and Hyde type behaviour is potentially signs of mania.

I know it’s horrible to think about it but you have to be prepared to call the police. It may be the only way to get him some help.

sending lots of hugs OP. Do keep us updated

With things like saying you’re laughing at him when you’re not, this is starting to sound more like some sort of psychosis / mental health episode that needs some acute care. I don’t think you sound safe there, not to frighten you, but he is unwell. Can your ex stay very close by for a while longer?

OP - please call a drugs helpline and talk to them.

I've found this one helpful: www.talktofrank.com/contact-frank

@Glowingup

I don't think insulting the OP's child is helpful or kind. Those of us who've been through intense difficulties with our deeply unhappy, angry and aggressive teenage children still love them and it hurts to hear them being trashed by strangers.

Im sure it hurts but he’s abusive and sounds dangerous. I definitely wouldn’t be engaging with him for my own safety and I hope the OP calls the police if the behaviour escalates. I know lots of people who similarly tried to help their off the rails teens. Some did turn into okay adults but the majority didn’t. And someone behaving like this is deeply disturbed and unlikely to engage with MH services.

Agreed. And if this is someone's interpretation of the information OP has provided then they are clearly unqualified to comment.

It could be something traumatic has happened to him that you aren’t aware of which is now making him spiral out of control.

It could be that he’s in some stage of a breakdown or psychosis in which case you aren’t safe on your own with him. Or this could just be him in which case you can’t keep living like this.

:Im sure it hurts Im sure it hurts". So why say it? You don't think the OP is suffering enough?

Read the thread, plenty of us have advised the OP about the importance of staying safe, including getting the police involved if her son is violent - and we've managed to do it without slagging off her child.

In my opinion, let him come to you after this and take awhile to centre yourself in the meantime. Don't criticise or shout whatever you do. Chances are he's well aware of his own shortcomings. Keep in mind that you mightnt understand the whole picture either.

It sounds like he's struggling with something so pointing out what he did/is doing wrong will just make things worse and shut down. He mightnt have the ability right now. Ask him if he's ok, if he says he's fine, leave him and wait for him to come to you. He will and you need to be available to listen when he does. Listen to what he says about what happened last night, just take his viewpoint in and how he feels about it for now and have a think about it.He could need help with something.

Could be worth exploring his relationship with his dad too in case something is upsetting him there. Some stepfathers can be irritable and a even bullying towards their stepchild because it's not their biological child. I would pay closer attention to their interaction without saying a word. A few days just observing could teach you a lot

He came in drunk about half an hour ago. Didn’t say anything to either of us at first – just slammed the front door behind him, went straight into the kitchen and started rummaging around really loudly, like he wanted to make sure we knew he was back. Cupboards banging, fridge open and shut, heavy footsteps – just very performative again.

Ex called through calmly and asked if he was alright and DS barked back, “do I look alright?” Then carried on slamming cupboard doors, muttering under his breath. I stayed put in the living room because I knew if I got involved it would just escalate, and I physically can’t do another shouting match tonight. Ex said something about needing to lower his tone, and DS snapped “or what?” – then smirked and said, “yeah didn’t think so.”

Then he started going off about how we’d “probably been sitting here slagging him off all night” and that we’re both “obsessed” with him. He said that he “knows” we’ve got some “plan” to get him locked up or “shipped off to some fucking unit”.

He shouted that we were both “freaks” who “get off on making him miserable” and that “no wonder [partner] doesn’t want to be here – he probably thinks you’re as nuts as I do.” Then he turned to ex and said, “bet you regret not pulling out when you had the chance.”

It’s just non-stop vitriol. He eventually grabbed some food and went upstairs, slamming every single step on the way. Haven’t heard anything since – but I’m braced for another outburst.

While he was out earlier, ex and I had a talk and ended up going into his room. I know people will say it’s a breach of trust, but honestly I was desperate. The stuff he’s been saying, the way he’s been acting – I needed to know what we’re actually dealing with.

Under his bed there was a stash of wrappers and receipts, including one from a vape shop that mentioned “THC cartridge” – which I didn’t even think was legal to sell here? Ex said they might not have been checking ID.

We also found a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube stuffed in an old shoebox along with some used tissues, which made me feel sick if I’m honest. I know teens explore, I know it’s not abnormal – but something about it just felt off. Maybe it’s the context of everything else. Ex didn’t say much – just looked uncomfortable and put it back.

We didn’t find anything obvious like pills or powder, but there was a strong smell in there – not quite weed, but something weird. Ex said he wouldn’t be surprised if DS is using something herbal or synthetic that we wouldn’t even recognise.

There were no weapons or anything dangerous that we could see – but loads of sharp bits of broken plastic, and he’s got a snapped charging cable near his bed that’s stripped down to bare wires. Could just be careless – but again, it’s hard not to read into things at this point.

I just hope he doesn’t notice we’ve been in there. We were careful to put everything back how we found it.

To the posters saying to not take the insults personally – I do hear you. I really do try not to react, but it’s so constant and cruel. I can handle him calling me names (most of the time), but when he brings up my partner, or the cancer, or starts talking about us like we’re some conspiracy out to get him, it gets under my skin in ways I can’t always control. I’m trying to stay calm. It just wears me down.

Someone said it sounds like a full-blown mental health episode that needs acute care – I’m starting to wonder the same. He’s paranoid, volatile, sometimes almost dissociated – and then the next day acting like nothing happened. It’s like he flips between versions of himself. I don’t know how to get help that quickly, though. CAMHS is slow and he won’t engage with anything right now. I don’t know what the threshold is for acute care, but it’s terrifying to think we might be near it.

Someone asked if my ex could stay close by – he’s actually staying here in the spare room tonight, and for the next couple of days. He really wants to help and be present, but he’s got work and commitments where he lives, so he can’t stay long term. He’s offered to come down again next weekend though if things are still bad.

Someone else mentioned calling a drugs helpline like FRANK – that’s a good shout. I might try that tomorrow. I think even just having someone to talk it through with could help, and if they’ve got advice on how to approach him about it, even better. I don’t want to just accuse him and push him further away, but I can’t sit on this anymore either.

It’s all just so heavy. I feel like we’re one bad night away from something awful happening.

How long is ex there for? Echo call the police if any violence or very aggressive behaviour. If it continues a section might not be as awful as it sounds, it's for his safety.

It's nice that you and ex get on and are united in this, make sure you're eating OK.

OP, THC vapes aren't legal in the UK, regardless of age - it's the chemical in cannabis that gets you high (compared to CBD which is legal in low doses). That means what is sold as THC vapes can contain a multitude of things, as there's no legal version they aren't regulated in any way. If it is actual THC then it's usually very concentrated, and on its own can be enough to cause paranoia and can trigger psychosis in people who have some pre existing vulnerability (genetic lottery as to who, but taking THC as a teen increases the risk)
THC vapes often though contain synthetic cannabinoids including Spice and similar drugs - which can have much more unpredictable effects. They can also be physically addictive in a way that 'traditional' cannabis products aren't.

Vapes like this are worryingly common in this age group, it isn't always pills/powders/baggies that we need to look out for now.

Hello.

It sounds like a really difficult situation that you are in and I really hope you can get some support. AdFam or SFAD are organisations that support family affected by someone else's drug use. There is clearly a lot going on. "With you" also has online chat support.

THC, the active compound in herbal cannabis isn't legal no. Vapes and vape oil purporting to be containing it are very common. Higher THC content in products is linked with worse mental health outcomes, particularly in those already with an underlying vulnerability particularly for things like psychosis etc. Many mental health conditions start to emerge in teenage years and symptoms are worsened by cannabis use. Unfortunately sometimes vapes sold as THC can also contain synthetic cannabinoids which are very unpleasant and can cause lots of negative issues for mental wellbeing. Not saying that is what it sounds like here but important to be aware.

It sounds like your son is in absolute fight or flight mode. I'm glad you have his dad there to support.

With all drugs something called "set and setting" determines how risky the drug use is going to be - if somone is taking drugs more often, in higher doses then it is likely to have a worse outcome. Similarly if they are taking drugs for negative reasons or when their resilience or wellbeing is low it's going to be a worse outcome.

Are there any specialist youth drug services where you are who can offer mental health support maybe more quicky than CAMHS?

I wonder if any alternative ways to communicate just now might work if face to face conversations are ending up in screaming. Voice notes etc. Also I wonder if in response to the "you're obsessed with me" maybe he needs to hear, calmly, yes we are, we're your parents, it's our job to care etc etc to just diminish the noise of inner doubt even slightly.

When we think of self harm behaviours we often think of self injury but in young boys it most often looks like alcohol and other drug use, risk taking e.g going online to meet older people etc and lashing out.

@Worriedsick89

I posted the link to FRANK. I've gone through absolute years of trauma with two of my children. Firstly with my daughter, who was as furious and oppositional as your son. Also school refusing. She despised me for years. Would trash my room, swear at me, belittle me. She was engaging in unsafe sex with adults when she was 15, and was raped by an adult at 14 while on work experience. She OD'd twice and was admitted to hospital twice. She was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but by the time she was discharged by CAMHS she didn't meet the threshold for diagnosis. At 25 she's happy and working full time, and mortified by her behaviour towards me. My son is 21 and has schizoaffective disorder. School refused from early on in secondary. Sectioned at 17.

I feel so sorry for you with what you're going through. It's an absolute nightmare for all of you. 😔

I've found FRANK helpful, and also the NSPCC. As a struggling parent I used every service possible. My daughter was referred to social services after I called the NSPCC and also reported her to the police because she was violent towards me. Social services were great - they gave me strength and got her some help with her sexual health that she absolutely needed. Please reach out OP. Your son is a child and what you're both going through is beyond hard. Can I offer you some hope? My son is now 21, my daughter 25. For all my son's mental illness we now have a beautiful relationship. I feel grateful to have him every day. My daughter is happy, in a loving relationship with another woman and tells me she loves me every day. I look back to when I was where you are and it seems like a distant nightmare.

Please take care of yourself and KEEP GOING! You're doing the very best you can. Sometimes parenting is just absolutely shit and so, so hard.

Such good advice here and so glad your children are doing so well @Nasrine

@Worriedsick89- I don’t want to scaremonger or keep on about the same thing, but I feel it’s important for you to consider in this scenario. Chemsex is a growing epidemic amongst young gay men, crystal meth and GHB are used massively amongst the community and a crystal meth user does NOT look like most people think of in their heads. My family member was high functioning but when using he was a completely different person, exactly as you have described. Pure vitriol, jumping between moods, erratic and irrational. But if a stranger looked at him, he would look ‘normal’. Don’t rule it out, he may not even be buying it, he may be being given it. And there was a smell, sweet, weird, nothing I could put my finger on. He would make pipes out of old broken pens and even roofing tape once.

Even if he is not using it now, and he may never, it’s a huge huge danger amongst the gay community and you just knowing about it and being aware will put you in a better position to protect him from slipping further into that path.

I’m so sorry again you’re going through this, I wish you had answers.

Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent.

Take his phone off of him and all access to money. He’s a child and you’re the parent. He may well be having a breakdown caused by something traumatic, access to a phone and money isn’t going to help him, it could make the situation a lot worse. Confiscate those things and be there with him to ride out what happens next. Take a week sick off of work if you need to.

That's one of the most stupid things I've heard on mn and I've been here since 2009.

My lad, who was no where near as disturbed as yours, I admit, was referred to the local council's Under 19 Drug and Alcohol Service and a case worker saw him a couple of times in our house and a couple of times out the house. I don't know what was said, I left them to it. It did help. But as I say, yours does sound a far more worrying situation.

Your son does need some sort of intervention but getting the right help at the right time is so hard.

I am glad your ex is with you. Has he read this thread? It might help him to formulate some ideas.

You need him away. Now! He is destroying your life. Call the police, get him arrested, whatever it takes. Stop playing nice. He is being utterly vile. His father could easily take him back with him. Just get him out of your house, for good!

Your updates are terrifying and heartbreaking in equal measure.

I wish I knew how to help you more. It’s just unfathomable that in a first world country in the 21C that a young boy can’t and his family can find themselves in this situation and can’t be helped out of it.

It’s beyond your capability to help him now, surely someone can see this. It genuinely sounds like he’s not going to let you help him. It needs to be someone outside the family. I would also be hugely concerned that he’s got himself into real trouble and very likely an abusive situation. Does he have any friends left from anywhere at all, or is all his contact online?

I think you have to keep going to the GP, CAHMS or whoever you can as often as you need everyday if necessary until there is a way to help him. Police if something illegal is involved. Personally I’d be going through everything, I wouldn’t care if it’s a breach of trust. Your child, your house and he’s in crisis. Leaving it to play out could end up with things being far far worse.

At least he needs you at the moment. That’s the one thing you have keeping him at home where at least you know he’s safe when he’s there. He knows that too - and he hates that he needs you which is why he’s lashing out.

i can’t believe any school allowed this to happens. It’s not all your fault.

I wonder how many of the people saying “get rid of him” would actually do that if it was their own child.

OP - it was me that asked about school. Is he not on roll somewhere because you removed him to home Ed? The reason I’m asking is because wherever he goes can help you access the support he needs, and at his age, he has the right to be on roll somewhere- the local authority has a responsibility to help you sort that, even if you withdrew him initially. Happy to help in more detail if you want.

Someone up thread mentioned two things that I wondered, since the situation op faces is just so heartbreakingly terrible. This boy is in serious mental health trauma and is a danger to himself and (I don't mean to be alarmist) possibly also op. In op's situation I think I'd consider reporting to social services and also sectioning. It sounds drastic, and I admit I know little about the processes involved - perhaps someone else can provide more information. But this is what I'd be looking into, since there's absolutely no way of communicating with him and he's spiralling further and further out of control/ not willing or able to seek or accept help.

I'm so sorry, op.