DS16 came home drunk at 5am

[Worriedsick89]

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

I know it's awful to say and but keep suicide attempt in mind too if he said he took painkillers. He could have taken too many. Counselling would be helpful. The doctor could give ye advice, you could go yourself even if he won't. My heart goes out to ye

As other posters have said, it's a great sign he feels able to talk to ye. You did a great job talking to him He upset when other teenagers passed. Maybe he's being bullied if that triggered him. Maybe talking his thought process out with a counsellor could help him get his thoughts straight

Oh the poor sweetheart, he’s really struggling right now, you’re doing such a wonderful job with him , both of you. He cried because he’s scared. Just tell him that he can trust you. That he’s loved no matter how hurtful his words get. He wants that comfort. He’s just scared to ask.

It's good to hear that things are a bit calmer now. Hopefully he will
maybe start to take things on board and realise that you have his well being at heart and are not out to get him.

OP - having you and his dad with him is clearly what he needs right now.

It’s brilliant that you’re coming together to coparent. Is regular, baked in contact a possibility? How far away did his dad move?

Your son is showing you that he can move past this - but that he’s going to need the support of both his parents in a predictable way.

OP, how could you have a partner who is so disliked by your son? Genuine question. Like how does that even work? You must feel torn in two constantly. Do you think there could be a link between that and his behaviour? It sounds awful for you and I’m sorry.

When he’s put the OP in hospital, I hope you’ll remember my post. He’s a danger to anyone living with him. My childhood was fine thanks, I just don’t pretend to be a psychoanalyst like all the idiots on here. 🤣

How is this helpful to the OP?

She, and her child’s dad, are doing a brilliant job of navigating through a really difficult time.

How many families in situations like this have you worked with?

He also appears to hate his mum and his dad and the world in general. I knew it wouldn’t be long before someone said that she needs to get rid of her partner to “put her son first”. Meanwhile he subjects her to vile verbal abuse and her ending her relationship will do bugger all to make him gain respect for her.
He’s either quite seriously mentally ill in which case having deep chats and sacrificing your life for him will do fairly little to make things better as he swings from one extreme to another. Or he’s got a personality disorder in which case ditto. People are falling over themselves about the “scared little boy” but he’s an adult in a couple of years and he’s being scary and vile to his mother in particular. He sees the impact it’s having and takes pleasure in it.
Pray for a miracle all you like but my guess is he will be fairly similar in a few years’ time. Abuse is abuse and abusers have a choice how to behave.

Probably more helpful than these keyboard therapists. And no one has to work with anything like this to see which way it’s going to go soon. The writing is on the wall.

So you have no experience, either professional or personal of the OPs situation. Gotcha.

Your “advice” is both needlessly inflammatory and worthless.

Good morning OP.

Hope last night stayed calm.

Could DS go back and stay with your ex this week? If ex is planning on coming back next weekend anyway, he could bring DS back then. It would give you and DS a break from each other.

A couple of other things that occurred to me, that may or may not be relevant.

When my DS was feral he was also stating that he was gay. I never thought he actually was, I always assumed it was because his peer group were into the boyfriend/girlfriend/kissing/sex stage and he just wasn't ready for that. I wondered if claiming he was gay took away a lot of the pressure. He isn't keen to discuss that now, but he isn't gay now, that much I can say.

Also, my DS didn't leave the house unless we went somewhere in the car as he could not deal with bumping into anyone from his peer group. Your son's reaction when seeing the teenagers yesterday reminded me of that.

So although your DS's behaviour has been more extreme than my DS's, I can see similarities, and a lot of his behaviours were based in anxieties which I believe were exacerbated by weed.

We came through it eventually.

This. If he took painkillers and alcohol it could have been a suicide attempt. A cry for help. He might be testing who cares about him and you and op and his dad are showing him exactly that ❤️

I’m going to try the GP again tomorrow. He didn’t answer the phone consultation the other day – just let it ring out, and when I asked him about it later he said he forgot. I’m not sure if he genuinely did or if he just didn’t want to talk to them, but either way we’re no further forward, so I’m going to push again.

Someone asked whether DS is struggling because of me and his dad splitting, but the thing is – he doesn’t actually remember a time when we were together. He was so young when we split that to him, this has always just been the way it is. I’m not sure it’s about that specifically.

He came back downstairs not long after I posted last night and sat with us for a bit. He asked if we could watch a musical, but then said there was no point because his dad would just say no. His dad asked why he thought that, and DS said he wasn’t sure – just thought maybe his dad was ashamed of having a gay son and because musicals “aren’t his thing.” Ex reassured him that wasn’t the case at all – that he just wants him to be happy and safe, and then said we could take him to London to see a musical in the West End if he wanted. DS actually seemed really pleased and said he’d like that, so we’ve agreed to have a look later today before his dad goes back.

He’s due to leave this afternoon, and I’m dreading it. DS said last night that he doesn’t want him to go, and he got really upset about it – wouldn’t really listen when ex tried to reassure him and said he can message or call any time. He ended up going to bed not long after and is still asleep now.

For context, we live in the Midlands and ex lives in Manchester now – so not that far, but still not on the doorstep. He moved back there when DS was about six – all of his family are up there, and it just made more sense at the time. He still came to see DS often, and DS would go there during holidays and weekends before moving in with him full-time. I do think he struggled a bit settling in at first – especially starting secondary school in a different area to what we’d planned. He ended up in a different school to the one we’d hoped for, and with his accent being different to the local kids, he stood out a bit. They used to call him “posh” – it wasn’t meant nicely, but I don’t think it was full-on bullying either. He did make some friends eventually.

Then that older boy came into the picture, and things just changed. DS stopped going out to play football, stopped seeing the friends he had, and spent all his time glued to his phone. Ex didn’t realise at first what was going on – he just thought it was DS being a moody teenager. But looking back, I think the boy isolated him on purpose. One of the messages he sent said DS “only needed him” – and to an impressionable 13 year old, that’s massive. It became his whole world.

I really do wish ex had reported it, but the boy was a “real” 17 year old, and DS was having FaceTime calls with him regularly. There were some explicit messages between them – not just one-sided, unfortunately – and while DS shouldn’t have been saying those things at 12 or 13, it was clear he didn’t get them from anywhere else. He didn’t have unrestricted internet access here, so it all came from this boy. I worry constantly about it happening again – especially because DS doesn’t even see it as grooming. He still talks like it was a relationship. And the way he isolates himself now makes me nervous that someone else could easily take advantage.

When he came back here and started yet another new school, he didn’t really make friends. By that point, the other kids had all formed their groups, and DS just wasn’t interested anyway.

That's a big achievement - the first step towards talking about being gay with his dad and feeling accepted. And more important - missing his dad and hopefully regularly being in touch with him again.
Definitely get that musical date in the diary asap. Maybe the three of you could go to an event in the Manchester village? Drag night? Manchester Pride parade on 23 August?

Try not to dwell on that boy from the past too much, you can't change what happened, focus on his current safety instead. We all had stupid relationships/unrequited crushes in our teens, I think it's just a modern version of it.

Can your son go home with ex for a few days until ex and him come back to yours?
He then won’t have peer pressure or influence?

It’s lovely that he seems to want his Dad around again.

@Worriedsick89 The musical is a good idea. I know DS doesn't remember you and your being together but it still doesn't mean he doesn't need a more reliable schedule of when he will see his dad. His dad or you need to be closer to each other (I get his dad wants to be close ot his family) but his son is his family. I think DS has enjoyed the consistency of having you both present - if his dad leaves and doesn't come back for a few months he will feel that same sense of abandonment. Either you move closer to his dad or his dad needs to - he needs to know every other weekend his dad will be there (something like that a scheudle). You need to get on top of the phone issue as well, your still his parent and having the phone completely locked so you can't see it is a problem. What if he's messaging another older guy, seeing violence videos, porn, misogynistic videos online.

But I'm glad he's more clam and your making progress. See what the GP says tomorrow (you can go on your own, if he refuses to go - face to face is much better). Also I know things are calm now but at the GP don't forgot to mention everything from this week and earlier, the violent outbursts, taking pills or drugs (whatever), drinking, not going to school. He needs much more stable long-term support. Write a list of it all, everything that's been going on etc - little details and use the advice from this thread.

Sounds like a speed come down mixed with alcohol. Orange juice can help but you'll need to replace the electrolytes with lucozade too. Class A comedowns have quite a distinct smell, can be quite metallic smelling underneath sweat.

Could also just be a real nasty hang over too of course, especially if he was mixing liquors

OP took him to hospital five days ago and things have developed hugely since then, she’s shared lots of updates if you filter by OP posts only.

Hey

I've been reading this thread and actually was one of the first things I thought of when waking up.

I may be completely wrong but your son isolating himself when your partner is there screams out how unhappy he is and he doesn't feel safe. I know you don't live together but your partner equally doesn't tolerate your son and in your sons eyes, he feels unwelcome and unsafe when he is with you.

It also reads like your son thought his dad didn't accept him for being gay, hence the comments he made regarding the musical situation.

It does seem like he has huge issues around his own identity and how he sees himself. I think this is something I'd focus on first, as well as the issue with your partner. Your son has gone through trauma and needs you and is screaming for attention. Your partner is an adult and is choosing to dislike an innocent child who hasn't done anything wrong.

I get how hard it must be, I'm going through extreme challenges with my son. You are doing so well. You've got people here wanting to support you, me included x

Are there any LGBTQ support groups in your area?. I agree with previous PP that you need to take a break from your DP. He isnt helping the situation.

People don’t tend to consistently claim they are gay for several years because they don’t want to get a girlfriend yet. This post reeks of “it’s just a phase”.

One of you mentioned whether taking the painkillers might’ve been a suicide attempt, and I’ll be honest - it’s really been playing on my mind since. I don’t know if that was his intention, but it’s not something I can rule out either. He hasn’t really spoken about it again since Thursday night. When we’ve tried to bring it up, he just shrugs and says he was drunk and doesn’t remember what he said. I don’t know if that’s the truth or just deflecting. But the fact he brought it up at all - even offhand - is worrying. I don’t want to ignore it.

A few people asked whether he could go and stay with his dad this week. We did talk about it, but it’s not really possible at the moment - ex has to work and there wouldn’t be anyone to supervise DS properly during the day. I know it might feel like he’d be away from people and influences here, but realistically, if he’s looking for connection or validation, he’d probably just find someone else where his dad lives, if that makes sense? I don’t think a change of scenery alone would solve things, sadly.

We have, however, booked a trip together - all three of us. We’re going to see Hamilton on Friday night, and DS actually seemed really excited when we booked it earlier. We’re getting the coach down because it worked out cheaper, and the plan is to stay over. His dad’s suggested we go and look around on Saturday - maybe see the sights - but DS is unsure. He’s not a huge fan of London, mainly because of how busy and overwhelming it can be. But even just getting him there for the show is a big step, and I think he’s genuinely looking forward to it.

Someone also mentioned maybe doing something in Manchester together - Pride or a drag night or something in the Village - and that’s actually a lovely idea. DS has never been to Pride, and I think he’d enjoy it if he felt safe and supported. We’ll have a look and see if he’s up for that. I know it’d mean a lot to him to feel like he’s being celebrated for who he is, rather than being treated like a problem all the time.

Re the phone - I completely agree it’s a problem. He’s got it locked so tightly that we can’t access anything, and I know that’s not ideal. He’s still a child, and given everything that’s happened, we do need to be able to see what he’s being exposed to. Whether it’s older guys messaging him, violent content, porn, or misogynistic/“red pill” stuff - it’s all out there, and I don’t want him going further down any of those paths. But any time we’ve tried to talk about it or asked to check his phone, it becomes a full-on fight. I’m not sure how to handle it without setting him off again, but I know we’ve got to do something. I’m just trying to pick the right moment.

He kicked off earlier when his dad was leaving. Totally flipped. Told him he “didn’t want to see him in the first place” and that the only reason he was okay with him being here was because it meant my partner wasn’t. Said he hates him, he’s a “crap dad”, that he doesn’t care anyway and was just pretending all weekend. It was horrible to watch. My ex didn’t rise to it - he just stayed calm and ignored it, because he knew DS didn’t mean it. But still, hearing your child say they hate you… it’s awful.

DS has been in his room ever since. I knocked and asked if he was okay and he just told me to leave him alone and called me a bitch. I know it’s not really him saying these things - it’s whatever pain or anger is inside him - but it still hurts.

I am starting to worry again about the aggression. He pushed his dad the other day, and while DS isn’t that tall (he’s about 5’5 and I’m 5’3), he’s still strong, and being 16, he’ll likely have a growth spurt soon. His dad’s much taller and built, so I do worry about what happens when DS grows into that. Especially if he keeps having these outbursts.

Thank you again to everyone who’s been replying, sharing your experiences and checking in.

Your doing so well @Worriedsick89. I think the musical is a fantastic idea and he'll hopefully really enjoy it. Plus even though he flipped out when his dad left, when you all go to the musical, he'll be able to build trust in the fact that you both care and come. But you're both doing so well. Look into any youth clubs for LGBT children - it will be people his age and might help him to not feel different being around other gay people.

He is terrified he’s going to be left.

When he sees his dad come back, and the plans you have happen - he’ll be a bit less terrified. He maybe can’t talk about it, he just needs actions.

Keep going, OP.