Page 9 | Friend didn’t show up

My10centsworth · 23/07/2025 20:25

Spindrifts · 22/07/2025 08:57

Just let it go. Simple as that. No b'day cards, texts, 'phone calls, meet ups, anything. There are so many nice people in the world, why do we agonise over flaky individuals who hamper our best lives. Read view mirror of history to her. Bye. Bye.

This.

Pinkdhalia · 23/07/2025 20:43

Let her do her thing without you bothering with her anymore. You know she's unreliable and probably doesn't deserve being considered as a friend by you!

PGmicstand · 23/07/2025 20:58

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 19:39

I’m going to leave it and see if she gets in touch. I’ll try and remember to update this thread in a few months time with the outcome.

I had a friend like this.
She bailed on me and another mutual friend when we'd booked a weekend away and paid the deposit. The two of us couldn't afford the weekend between us. She just told us to pass her her share of the refund when it came though.

After several years (!) of this, I saw the light. Almost every time we were due to meet up she'd come up with some excuse or other and then I'd find out she'd done something else instead.

Last time she suggested we meet up I told her to let me know when she was free and we could do something. That was in 2023 and I've not heard anything yet.

Samanthajamesjones · 23/07/2025 21:00

So time to post on social media but not send a message to you? Shows where her priorities are

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 21:01

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

Does she have trouble communicating generally?

Freud2 · 23/07/2025 21:31

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

I would ring her and challenge her on this and if the explanation is weak - tell her that and how disrespectful it was to leave you hanging on.

TeenLifeMum · 23/07/2025 21:37

I think I’d message her with “did you die?” Then leave it. She’s a self absorbed twat.

Freud2 · 23/07/2025 21:38

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:09

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

I had a friend that was totally unreliable and was always cancelling our meet ups and it felt like it was always me who instigated arrangements. Eventually I'd had enough and told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour. I feel sad as we always got on really well when we did actually get to meet - she would be efusive and tell me how much she valued our friendship- how she loved me etc and then it seemed I was out of her mind for another 6 months! But it got to the point where I felt I had to respect myself and not be treated badly.

pestowithwalnuts · 23/07/2025 21:40

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 05:01

I can’t fathom then why you’d “reluctantly” withdraw from the friendship

a) she is jaw droppingly rude
b) she patently doesn’t see you as a friend worth keeping or one she values

I agree. Why are you reluctant?
You've said she's flakey and has firm for this.
In fact she's a rude bitch and doesn't deserve a nice friend like yourself who offers to cook a meal for her

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2025 21:44

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:03

I say reluctantly because she’s good company to be around, if you ever actually manage to see her!

Why haven't you read her her fortune?

You gave her an Out which she didn't take and both her and her husband were extremely rude

I'd have told her what I thought and then cut her off

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 21:46

Freud2 · 23/07/2025 21:38

I had a friend that was totally unreliable and was always cancelling our meet ups and it felt like it was always me who instigated arrangements. Eventually I'd had enough and told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour. I feel sad as we always got on really well when we did actually get to meet - she would be efusive and tell me how much she valued our friendship- how she loved me etc and then it seemed I was out of her mind for another 6 months! But it got to the point where I felt I had to respect myself and not be treated badly.

Show quote history

It's a shame..She probably did feel.like that about you when she actually was with you. I just think some people are really bad at organising their lives. It doesn't mean she disrespected you necessarily.. But I can see from your point of view that it would have been very annoying.

CatKings · 23/07/2025 21:59

I stopped chasing people about 5 years ago when I was having a bad time. It’s amazing how many people drop out of your life.
I have an ex friend who keeps saying to a mutual friend she runs into that I need to contact HER to catch up. She won’t contact me, she always expects someone else to contact/organise meet ups. So it won’t ever happen.

YellowStook · 23/07/2025 22:01

I wouldn’t make a big deal of it. I’d just let the friendship die on its arse. Doesn’t sound like she’ll do much to salvage it.

OldWomanInACardigan · 23/07/2025 22:03

She isn't a friend, she's a cheeky, bad-mannered fucker

Summerartwitch · 23/07/2025 22:04

I hate flaky people. It is beyond rude not to tell you she wasn't coming and to apologise.

I would just stop contacting her.

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 22:12

You know, sometimes if one particular person has always been the one to organise things then other people can feel they dont want to cut in on that. I had a situation like that.. One particular person always organised the group. We all always had a great time but it always felt very much like her group and she was in charge.. Not in a bad way. Like I said, we all alwyas enjoyed the meet ups. But I just would never have felt comfortable organising them. So if you are a person who always organises then I think its worth thinking about the .message that gives to the group. Sometimes you have to be explicit if you want other people to organise because people aren't mindreaders..

Franjipanl8r · 23/07/2025 22:20

Block her number and move on.

MidnightMusing5 · 23/07/2025 22:42

Unless they both died- no excuse . Ditch

WickWood · 23/07/2025 22:43

How bizarre, a text message takes seconds! I agree that you should wait until (if) she contacts you!

Pistachiocake · 23/07/2025 22:52

PGmicstand · 23/07/2025 20:58

I had a friend like this.
She bailed on me and another mutual friend when we'd booked a weekend away and paid the deposit. The two of us couldn't afford the weekend between us. She just told us to pass her her share of the refund when it came though.

After several years (!) of this, I saw the light. Almost every time we were due to meet up she'd come up with some excuse or other and then I'd find out she'd done something else instead.

Last time she suggested we meet up I told her to let me know when she was free and we could do something. That was in 2023 and I've not heard anything yet.

Show quote history

There was one like this in my friend group. She wanted everything arranged to suit her, then would drop out for no reason. I tried to be sympathetic, maybe she had problems? But it really upset another mutual friend, who actually did have a lot of problems. Anyway, the flaky woman has since trained as a counsellor/therapist, so no doubt she'll be an expert on narcissist behaviour.
On the plus side she chose not to have kids-I personally don't mind someone messing me about, particularly if it's a group and I'm not that close to the individual, but I hate it when parents are flaky and kids get upset by plans being cancelled for no good reason.

Hopingtobeaparent · 23/07/2025 22:59

Isitreallysohard · 22/07/2025 04:58

Why don't you confront her about this? That's beyond rude, but also on you if she has form for it and you let her get away with it. Spoiler alert, she's no friend.

This.

And indeed, try to remove the ‘reluctant’ from your framing.

whatacroc · 23/07/2025 23:01

Im ashamed to admit i was a bit of a flaky friend many years ago in my late teens/twenties. I would be invited out and often not turn up, but for me it wasn't that I didn't want to go or was a rubbish friend, it was anxiety that stopped me going. I really wish I'd not been like that as I missed out on so much in my youth because of it.
Anxiety wasn't spoken about or recognised as much back then. I'd promise friends I'd turn up at their parties or nights out and once the day arrived I just couldn't face it and I'd end up sat home watching tv. makes me feel so sad now thinking back.
Im still a terrible anxiety sufferer now and occasionally still miss out on things but I have learnt to manage it much better than in my youth, plus theres a better understanding of it these days.
Could your friend possibly bottle out of meet ups due to anxiety?

TeenLifeMum · 23/07/2025 23:11

whatacroc · 23/07/2025 23:01

Im ashamed to admit i was a bit of a flaky friend many years ago in my late teens/twenties. I would be invited out and often not turn up, but for me it wasn't that I didn't want to go or was a rubbish friend, it was anxiety that stopped me going. I really wish I'd not been like that as I missed out on so much in my youth because of it.
Anxiety wasn't spoken about or recognised as much back then. I'd promise friends I'd turn up at their parties or nights out and once the day arrived I just couldn't face it and I'd end up sat home watching tv. makes me feel so sad now thinking back.
Im still a terrible anxiety sufferer now and occasionally still miss out on things but I have learnt to manage it much better than in my youth, plus theres a better understanding of it these days.
Could your friend possibly bottle out of meet ups due to anxiety?

Anxiety isn’t an excuse to be rude. Many people have anxiety without being inconsiderate arseholes.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2025 23:11

whatacroc · 23/07/2025 23:01

Im ashamed to admit i was a bit of a flaky friend many years ago in my late teens/twenties. I would be invited out and often not turn up, but for me it wasn't that I didn't want to go or was a rubbish friend, it was anxiety that stopped me going. I really wish I'd not been like that as I missed out on so much in my youth because of it.
Anxiety wasn't spoken about or recognised as much back then. I'd promise friends I'd turn up at their parties or nights out and once the day arrived I just couldn't face it and I'd end up sat home watching tv. makes me feel so sad now thinking back.
Im still a terrible anxiety sufferer now and occasionally still miss out on things but I have learnt to manage it much better than in my youth, plus theres a better understanding of it these days.
Could your friend possibly bottle out of meet ups due to anxiety?

I had (still have) the same issue. But as you say, it is far better understood and accepted now.
So thats why I am coming down on the side of her just being utterly self absorbed and not really caring about anyone but herself.

If she told the OP that she had social anxiety and sometimes had panic attacks before events, the OP strikes me as someone who would understand, try to help and be kind. But she has never done that.

She just doesnt give a shiney shite about anyone but herself and will ditch the OP and others for a better offer.

ETA weirdly though.....my anxiety (people pleasing I guess) led to me accepting every invitation even if I didnt want to. Going even though I was eating myself inside out with fear. Hating it (as my initial reaction of "Fuck no, I do not want to do that!" was right!) and then regretting all of it. Self hatred and fear of others is a hard one.

whatacroc · 23/07/2025 23:17

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2025 23:11

I had (still have) the same issue. But as you say, it is far better understood and accepted now.
So thats why I am coming down on the side of her just being utterly self absorbed and not really caring about anyone but herself.

If she told the OP that she had social anxiety and sometimes had panic attacks before events, the OP strikes me as someone who would understand, try to help and be kind. But she has never done that.

She just doesnt give a shiney shite about anyone but herself and will ditch the OP and others for a better offer.

ETA weirdly though.....my anxiety (people pleasing I guess) led to me accepting every invitation even if I didnt want to. Going even though I was eating myself inside out with fear. Hating it (as my initial reaction of "Fuck no, I do not want to do that!" was right!) and then regretting all of it. Self hatred and fear of others is a hard one.

Edited

Show quote history

Yes now I will tell people that I get terribly anxious about going places and events. But in my younger days I didn't and just wouldn't turn up, looking back it was very rude of me but i don't think I actually understood myself that it was anxiety. ive not read the full thread so not sure of ops updates about her friend.