Friend didn’t show up

[icelolly46]

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

Why is it always the flaky ones training as counsellors. I've heard this so.many times..

Yes.

Voted YABU solely because you should have shifted this "friend" long ago!

If she wasn't unavoidably detained by illness or accident never invite her again.

Blocking is childish and pointless IMO. It's the messaging equivalent of kids going up to each other in the playground and saying 'I'm not your fwend any more.' If you don't want someone in your life any more, just stop contacting them. Simples.

I had the opposite of this i had a friend who was and is not capable of being that open and on reflection is highly controlling about when and how we meet as adults and women I found it baffling that she could not understand that if we only had a friendship around meet ups then in my mind we weren't friends she was a lunch buddy. Nothing in between and she unlike me wasn't a phone person. In her head I think she thought I should be as effusive about social event as I was about what I thought was my friendship with her. I think she's rude for not cancelling I dont think you were friends if this situation ends your friendship, if you were friends this should cause a conversation. Maybe you misunderstood aspects of your relationship. Do whats best for you but be ckear whats normal interchange with other people.

Huni you need to want better for yourself

I’m sorry OP that’s beyond rude. Personally I would message her calling out her behaviour rather than her as a person. You shouldn’t need to, but some people need reminding you have standards and your time is as precious as theirs.
I wouldn’t be rude/confrontational but more factual. I’m not sure I’d ever contact her again though after that.

Sorry. I’m all out of sympathy on this one. I infer from your story that you are as ‘flaky’ as your so called friend. You deserve each other. Stop pussyfooting around. Confront her about her rudeness. Have a damned good slanging match. Then get over yourselves.

Flaky friends are so annoying....I would just downgrade the friendship. People show you what they think of you by their actions, not their words. The fact that this is the norm for her means your expectations of her are too high; just don't invite her in future. Are there other situations when she is a good friend? If not, just let it go. I have a friend like that and I have come to realise that she is someone I can talk to every now and then - sometimes with months and months gone by. But I have learned that she is not an everyday 'mate' on whom I can rely - That's ok....I have to respect that that's how she is. Now I don't rely on her in that way, I can't ever be disappointed in her, and it leaves room for another person who can fulfill my friendship 'needs'.

I would just be cutting ties, do not waste time and effort on people who clearly do not care about you.
She is not a friend, if she accepts your invitation and says she will be there and then just ignorantly does not turn up!

I would send her the atroppiest message about how she doesn't value your relationship or time and money spent on providing food for her

You don't have to give up on the entire friendship. Just give up on inviting her to things if it matters whether she turns up or not.

And it wouldn't be unreasonable to express your annoyance and ask her to explain her no show after her definite yes. Though a "so wheretf are you?" text at the time would have been more assertive.

How rude and how hurtful. Yes unfortunately I do think you should give e up on that friendship and contact her to tell her so.

It is time to let her go. As others have said here, she isn't your friend.
Whatever her issue, you just need to concentrate on you and the friends who show up for you in every sense. You sound awesome btw!

I have serious anxiety disorders and have suffered for decades.

I've never once not turned up at anything and left people waiting. I'd always cancel beforehand and apologise.

Anxiety has damaged my life but it's not an excuse for being rude.

I’m so sorry, this must be so upsetting for you, but obviously friend 2 doesn’t value your friendship, don’t waste anymore time on her.

As you have other friends OP I would just write her off. She has no manners and sounds very selfish.

In my experience, flaky friends do show up for the most important people - they know not to p**s them off. They let lower tier friends down all the time though and are furious if you let them down, even for good reason.

This is true. Flaky people turn up for new friends or people they want to impress - she’d have brought wine and flowers.

I'd have sent her a message asking where the fuck she is and telling her she's fucking rude!

I’d never speak to her again. Flakey is just another word for inconsiderate. You don’t need her in your life. I’d block her on all sm too.

People who do this are so selfish. Anyone with some respect knows the time and effort put into prep for hosting. Downright rude, wouldn't

Thank you for the laugh - I needed that 😂

And thank you everyone else for your replies and advice.