Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Friend didn’t show up

259 replies

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

OP posts:

MovingBird123 · 22/07/2025 10:10

I am a flaky friend, but cannot offer any perspective or understanding on your "friend's" shitty behaviour. I'm only sorry that it happened to you, and I hope you still managed to relax and enjoy the lovely Sunday you had created.

ilovesushi · 22/07/2025 10:11

She is either a really bad friend or she has some mental health issues going on. I think I would send one short message - are you okay? we missed you on Saturday? - then leave it totally for her to come back to you - or not.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/07/2025 10:11

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 09:33

the chances are she won’t reply and you’ll feel even more annoyed.

Yes I could well imagine this happening.

Edited

I agree but from your posts I get the impression that your "friend" is hoping that you won't contact her - thereby letting her off the hook scott free.

I think you should contact her. It's either perhaps she had a row with her DH or he refused to go or anything like realised she was ovulating and is TTC and she didn't know what to say, anything really.

Or she couldn't be arsed and is actively hoping that you won't call her out as she clearly likes an easy life where she never has to explain or apologise.

Ask her simply why she didn't turn up and didn't text to let you know.

See what the reply is.

I suspect she won't reply because she's shown she's a CF Dodger, and people have probably let it drop before which is easier for her and why she does it but at least if you text her she will have seen some consequence. You will have said your piece and she will know that this is now her reputation. At least you will have made her face it.

I don't think it's humiliating to essentially say Hey that was rude, why? Its standing up for yourself.

If you drop it without saying anything she will think she's got away with it, that this was a convenient way for her to deal with you and in a while may come back and expect friendship privileges again and probably do it again.

eb949013 · 22/07/2025 10:12

The only two options are to confront her, or learn from this and going forward only include her in plans that her no show won't affect (parties or larger get togethers). If this is her nature - and not because of an external source like a partner - please don't enable it by always inviting her and never calling her out on it

HectorPlasm · 22/07/2025 10:12

ilovesushi · 22/07/2025 10:11

Or maybe she's just a mentally healthy selfish git

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/07/2025 10:14

HectorPlasm · 22/07/2025 10:12

Or maybe she's just a mentally healthy selfish git

Show quote history

They need to bring back the laughing emoji

BySassyGreenPanda · 22/07/2025 10:15

Sorry OP, she isn't your friend and you aren't hers either.

This won't be popular but I'm going to say it.

You're persisting because she's good company when you actually see her. That makes her the entertainment. That's your primary reason for continuing to try with her. She's knows this. I've been the 'entertainment' before. When it becomes clear that's your role, you retreat.

Her behaviour has become appalling because you haven't taken the hint. Let it go. You'll meet many people in life who can be close, supportive friends but also great fun. That's what you should really be looking for.

PassingStranger · 22/07/2025 10:22

susiedaisy1912 · 22/07/2025 07:51

Dump her op. She doesn’t value your friendship one but. How bloody rude to give you reassurance that she will be there then just not bother turning up. That’s so disrespectful. Set your boundaries and expectations higher don’t put up with being treated like that.

She doset need to dump her.
She has already been dumped by the friend.

She's nor that into you op. Stop.being desperate.

JustSawJohnny · 22/07/2025 10:27

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 09:22

I can see why some are saying contact her, but I don’t want to chase her again when it really should be her reaching out now to apologise and explain. I think I’m going to leave it and see if she ever actually gets in touch. Thanks for the advice.

You've chased her enough, OP.

She's been letting you know how important you are for a while, by the sounds of it. This really should be the final nail in the coffin.

I wouldn't even wait to see if she messages.

Block her and move on.

RantzNotBantz · 22/07/2025 10:36

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:09

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

There's your answer.

I wouldn't text her again - all it does is show her that you find her important enough to contact even though she behaves so badly. Giving her an inflated view of herself as someone who is so 'good to be around' that people will put up with anything.

I would block her and delete.

SmurfnoffIce · 22/07/2025 10:41

Friend 2 is notoriously flaky

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

These are both reasons in their own right to reconsider a friendship (I’ve done so on both grounds). Both in one person would be an absolute deal breaker!

For the record, flaky friend got very pissed off with me and decided I was terribly selfish because I didn’t understaaaaaand - she’d cancelled because she was ill (hangover); she was too anxious to meet up with a crowd of people and would have loved to see me one on one (unless she had another of the said hangovers). With friend two, I decided to test out what would happen if I simply stopped making arrangements with her. Eight years on, I’m still waiting for her to organise something…

MascaraGirl · 22/07/2025 10:44

I had a very flakey friend, I lost patience and simply stopped contacting her. That was 2 years ago, and I haven't heard from her since. She was also very good company (if she turned up) but it was such hard work. I don't miss the aggro.

Anonomoso · 22/07/2025 10:44

Whether you mean by reading these replies or due to having a friend that's inconsiderate, flaky and to be fair, from reading your first post...quite happy to blatantly lie to you.

You've no need to feel humiliated.

Take it as part of life's learning along with saying "kitchen's now closed"
If/when she does eventually message you inviting herself over for food.

Sus808 · 22/07/2025 10:46

I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t message her. You don’t need to go straight in with some deep message about how you’re disappointed or betrayed or anything, can’t you just send a breezy “So what happened Saturday then?” If she replies then you can say whatever you want: it was rude/ you can’t understand why she didn’t let you know/ you feel the friendship has run its course, whatever. But seems strange to just leave it as though nothing happened; she should at least be held accountable for her actions.

GrumpyExpat · 22/07/2025 10:49

I had a friend like this and my last contact was this past NYE. We were hosting a small cocktail party and because she is flaky, I confirmed with her a few days before. She insisted she wanted to see us. I said, would be nice to see you for a drink and nibble, you don’t even have to stay until midnight. She texted late in the evening saying they weren’t coming. I haven’t spoken to her since. And she hasn’t been in touch again. Your friend is sending a really clear message. She doesn’t care about your friendship and I’d bet you would never hear from her again if you drop her.

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/07/2025 10:52

How did it play out on Saturday? When she was late, did you not contact her asking her if she's on the way, or did you wait a specific time and then just say 'sod it, let's eat'?

GrumpyExpat · 22/07/2025 10:53

MascaraGirl · 22/07/2025 10:44

Yep, same. I had one who was aways texting me I miss you! Let’s get together! And then flake out. Wtf is that. Just stop.

SecretNameforMN · 22/07/2025 12:48

simsbustinoutmimi · 22/07/2025 05:06

I would honestly be worried that her partner was abusive and wanted to stop her going.

She has been posting on SM. She COULD have got a message to her friend somehow.

Twelftytwo · 22/07/2025 12:50

Always best to confront these things head on, I would've texted at the time to say "are you still coming? Food is ready

SpryCat · 22/07/2025 13:02

If you don’t get in touch, you won’t hear from her again, she is not bothered.

NaeRolls · 22/07/2025 13:14

I would also be very upset in this situation. But I'd also want to try to address it with her - perhaps she's in an abusive relationship or had severe mental health problems. Tell her that her actions really hurt you, and ask her if everything is okay. Depending on her reasons/excuse, you can then decide whether you want to continue the friendship.

mondaytosunday · 22/07/2025 13:24

why didn’t you contact her at the time? I wouldn’t have waited long - half an hour after the time I would have called/texted saying ‘X & Y are here I assume you are on your way’. After her non show I would have followed up ‘Well I’m sad you decided not to come and ignore my request to let me know, which was very rude. All the best’. You are not chasing, but you are letting her know that she was rude and that you’re done.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 22/07/2025 14:00

I would write and say 'that was a lovely invisibility cloak you were wearing the other day'

then cut the flaky shit from my life

Original poster

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 19:39

I’m going to leave it and see if she gets in touch. I’ll try and remember to update this thread in a few months time with the outcome.

OP posts:

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/07/2025 20:03

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 19:39

I’m going to leave it and see if she gets in touch. I’ll try and remember to update this thread in a few months time with the outcome.

Very sensible decision. Contacting her gives her another opportunity to humiliate you. She doesn’t deserve your friendship. I hope you had a nice time with the other couple instead.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11