Friend didn’t show up

[icelolly46]

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

Good idea and yes let us know as we’re invested in this now

When it comes to friendships I’ve learnt to mirror my behaviour towards them with the same energy and effort I receive from them.
I’ve got a friend who does stuff like you are describing and it’s so rude.
Don’t be the one to call first, arrange things first, apologise for having feelings. Sometimes friendships change and it’s time to let them go, I’ve had to do this with a friend of over twenty years because I find her so disrespectful and draining… A shame because we were like family at one point but people change, I know I’m not the same person I was twenty years ago.
Your friend doesn’t sound like a friend in my opinion.

I consider myself very easy going, want to cancel, don’t feel like it..fine. Stand me up, no way.

My best friend (ex) was actually coming to stay with us for 10 days. She never turned up. Rang a week later, was rude, never mentioned the fact she had stood us up, iust kept going on about how busy she was and finding it hard to ‘fit us in’.
I’d left multiple messages as I was concerned something bad had happened. I’ve not spoken to her since.
she’s always been ‘flaky’ always tries to get out of arrangements especially if she feels there is something better available to do. I’d put up with that for 20 years. Fully standing me up with zero apology was the final straw.

Maybe being easy going is actually the issue here, people see it as a free option. That you won’t care and they get away too much. Too often. Boundaries and expectations are important. I say this as someone just like you. I never really mind. But now days I do expect and demand better.

That’s horrible! And very rude - will your other friend pull her up on it?

I used to host a Burns supper every year - it is a January event and I invited some local friends via Christmas card and the woman wrote back in their Christmas card to us that they would love to come. She wrote quite a long piece about how much she was looking forward to it etc.

This was in the early days of mobile phones and I hadn't contacted her since the card, but we bumped into them the morning of the dinner and she declared no knowledge of it.

Her husband seemed very keen to come but they needed to sort out childcare, so they would get back to me. But they never did.

I remember telling a counsellor about this once and she didnt believe me!!

Anyway, I have never spoken to them again. I have crossed the street to avoid her.

I feel your pain.

First poster nailed it - reluctantly? Wtf

Thank goodness :)

But truly OP, this behaviour is just unbelievably rude and inconsiderate of her. It is hard to imagine how this could be a difficult decision.

Years back a colleague got very excited about a party I was planning, even getting involved in the planning herself. I was looking forward to seeing her there.

She didn’t turn up and wasn’t answering her phone. I was really worried. She’d been so enthusiastic, I could only assume something terrible had happened. Eventually I got a message at about 5pm the next day saying “Soz, had a heavy night on Friday and slept til late”.

I haven’t contacted her since.

No need to make a big deal out of ‘giving up on the friendship’. Just don’t make the kind of arrangements that she’s going to not show to, unless it doesn’t make any difference if she doesn’t. Invite her to drinks, not to dinner.

We used to be friends with a couple like this - once hosted a small bbq (8 adults plus assorted young children at the time) and checked and double checked they were coming, then they said they were running late - everyone was starving so we were calling them telling them we were going to eat - yes yes we are on our way, saved them food - felt rude for eating - finally the male turned up alone just as our other guests were leaving - it had started at 2pm, this was around 7:30pm - the female had gone home tired as they had been at a friends an hour away all day for another party - I was flabbergasted that they hadn’t mentioned being double booked (or had since our invite had a better offer) and continued to say they were on their way all day knowing full well they were an hours drive away at another event. I genuinely think they thought they could do both and nobody would notice but then just ended up missing ours. Needless to say they were never invited anywhere ever again. They are not missed.

Then take the hint and stop. She doesn’t care about you. At all.

My daughter had a friend like that cancelling at the last minute or not turning up at all. She cut all ties with her after she didn't turn up at an event that meant a lot to my daughter. The friend is constantly trying to rekindle their friendship but she's had her chances and blown them

Please do and sorry for you - I have a friend like this who is so spectacularly rude but we all laugh and say she’s fun. I’ve just about had enough after so many incidences. The last was she pretended to be out of town and then said yes to another party on a separate group chat I happened to be on! I think the difference for me now possibly versus you is that I feel completely used - she’s “taken over” several nice friends of mine and they all go out, and she only wants to meet when really there’s something in it for her. Wow as I write that I’m thinking what am I doing here! Good luck too OP, ditch! 🤗

I wouldn't reach out to her again. She is clearly a very selfish and rude person and she has no respect for you. I would never invite her anywhere again even if she does eventually contact you. If she does reach out, I'd use that as my opportunity to tell her off.

The mere fact that you kept confirming if she was coming shows that you know in your heart who she really is. You feared this exact outcome. She will only ever continue to disappoint you. Given that you say that you have been the one always reaching out to her, I think it's time to accept that she doesn't value your friendship. Ask yourself why you would want someone who treats you this way in your life. Give your energy to people who actually care about you.

It does seem a bit rude and odd. But if she's ridiculously flaky then that's her ways I guess?

Could she have just thought she was one of many and it was a more casual 'open house, pop round if you can, xyx are here..'

I do know people like that. It's not malicious and can be to do with MH.

I guess you know if you invite them it's less than 50/50 they'll show.

She diesn't sound much if a friend to me.

Ler her govand find some proper friends who will value abd appreciate you.

👍🌻😻

This "friend" has no manners.

She’s unbelievably rude. What the fuck is wrong with her that she thinks she can behave like that and get away with it? Mindblowing.

I have previously made the mistake of staying friends with flaky, selfish people who were fun to be around and it never ended well! They both eventually ending up doing or saying something really hurtful that made me realise they weren’t real friends and only cared about themselves. I wouldn’t bother wasting any more of your time or energy on someone like this.

Downright rude. Being "flakey" isn't an excuse either...

You do not call her, text her and the next time she contacts you - blank her totally.

Some friendships only work if you make no special effort. If you go to trouble and the other person doesn't care, then it will always leave bad feeling.

In which case, are they really a friend? 🤷‍♀️

Tbh if my friend had committed to dinner with me and didnt show, didnt message. Id panic.. was there an accident... was she hurt... heartbroken... hospitalised.

If its been 2 days and this is just standard silence from her, she isnt your friend.