Friend didn’t show up

[icelolly46]

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

YANBU and you should definitely give up on this "friendship" (as she plainly has) but you should have the last word on it by posting on her SM something like:
"Phew, you haven't died! Given that I I invited you and DP over for lunch on Saturday, which you accepted, and then I checked with you on Saturday morning as I would cook less food or invite other friends in your places if you couldn't make it, and you told me you were definitely coming and then you didn't show up or contact me with an explanation or apology (then or since), but are happily posting on here, I can only assume you have a chronic bout of rudeness. Hope you recover soon."

Wow this is beyond rude and I’d definitely not be friends with someone who did that to me!

Absolutely leave her too it .. no texts no calls .. no invites.
She has zero respect for your time and effort totally out of order.
Just because she is good company doesn't make her a good person.
Who would want a friend like this.

I think if it was me I would accept that this is who she is - really fun, not reliable. I need some fun in my life so I would keep her.
If she was more reliable she would be less spontaneous and less her.
She knows she's not reliable, she probably doesn't like letting people down and that's why she doesn't get in touch to apologise.
I would contact her when I want to, not expect her to pull her weight in that department and not get frustrated about that. I would definitely make low stakes plans and not cook for her. See you if I see you approach.

I had a "friend" that used to do this, gave them a few chances and then just never invited them to anything again. End of the "friendship" but their behaviour demonstrated that they weren't really a friend at all. You won't miss her

If it were me I'd be inclined to reach out because even for flaky people this is worrying behaviour and I would worry that something happened.

I had a friend who's bf used to start a massive row before they left the house and then guilt her into staying home to sort it. Thankfully she broke up with him eventually but I would worry about this type of controlling behaviour being the reason. She used to find it really humiliating and hard to explain because essentially it meant lying for him or dealing with our reaction to his behaviour when she wasn't ready to face it.

I know I've also been very flaky (though never stood anyone up) in the past when my mental health was really not good. Never wanted to burden my friends so hadnt told them and just showed up when I felt I could be the fun friend they deserved. I'm very grateful to the ones who stuck with me even though they weren't aware how bad things were. One of my friends did speak to me about it directly and I felt able to tell her where i was actually at and I really appreciated that she cared enough about me and the friendship to be honest about how she was feeling and the impact it had on her instead of just ghosting me or talking about me. And it actually helped me see that turning up in bad form was better for my friendships (and my own head) than not turning up.

I don't think I could continue the friendship in good faith without addressing it in some way for your own closure. You don't need to be angry or nasty about it but I would be direct and say you were really worried about her when she didn't show for lunch and ask what happened. I would actually do it over the phone so you can ask follow up questions, better still in person but that might be harder to arrange. Texts are too easy to ignore.

I don't think her behaviour is normal, I think it's rare for people to be that self absorbed for no reason.

You’d rather post here than actually text her and ask why she stood y’all up ?

I am afraid I couldnt leave it just like that. The reason she does this is because no one ever pulls her up on it! I bet for years people (you included) have just rolled their eyes and said "Oh thats Sarah all over!" and let it go.

"Dear X, I am very angry and pissed off at your behaviour on Saturday. To not show up with no call, message or apology is rude and disrepectful. Your flakiness in the past has been bad (and annoying!) enough but to stand me up like that is a step too far. I dont know why you think its acceptable to treat people this way but let me tell you that it isnt! I wont be making any further plans to meet up as frankly, what is the point? You will either cancel last minute like you always do or simply not turn up at all."

Then you will get a sob story that makes you out to be a nasty unfeeling cowbag, which will totally ignore the fact that she has treated you badly for a long time, and didnt bother messaging with an apology and explaination after her made up emergency on Saturday was dealt with. But at least you will have said your piece and it might make her think

I would message her and say that you were very disappointed and food went to waste etc.
Then I would not have anything more to do with her.Very rude.

OP I know it's really hard to take when we don't understand someone else's behaviour, especially when it hurts us. What I would say is that you invited 2 friends; one showed up - focus your energy on the friend that did show up and in your head, thank the no-show for making room for another new friend. I'm afraid the no-show is unlikely to change and it's nothing you've done, it's the way she's programmed. Hope you're ok.

It’s rude of her, she should have declined your invite rather than just not turning up, she’s not interested, so just let it go and don’t bother with her again.

Personally I would say give up completely but definitely stop inviting her. Only gio to things you're invited to by her or both invited to. But stop being the initiator of the relationship, this way you will see where her priorities lay. No more inviting her to group stuff. Invite friends that show up for you...then post the fun on socials.

People like this are usually good fun … because no one would tolerate them if they weren’t. So you get a load of people saying “Oh, that’s just so Rachel!”.

The thing is, friends are people whose company you enjoy and who you leave feeling better about yourself and the world. This isn’t the case here. So invest in people who turn up when they say they will and don’t leave you feeling like crap.

Some people will say to block her … it’s up to you but I would probably just archive her on WhatsApp (provided you don’t just keep checking your archive).

I would be annoyed especially as she already confirmed that morning. I would just ignore her and not message until she approaches you. See how long she takes. If she is remotely bothered about your friendship then she will message you at some point.

She is extremely bad mannered!
Just drop her from now on. She's not your freind. Sounds like she's treating you as an 'option' don't let her.

I cannot stand women being doormats. OP, never see this woman again.

Who needs a friend like that?!

I’d be absolutely appalled.

Well then that's your choice, have a rude flaky acquaintance who is fun to be around when she deigns to grace you with her presence or get some real friends.

Hrft.

First post nailed it!

OP dump her flakey arse!

I’ve recently decided to not to bother with a friend of many years’ standing as I always go to her house, she never visits me. Indeed, I’ve lived in my flat for more than 20 years yet she’s visited me here TWICE! I went to her home more times in 2024 than she’s been to mine and I live mostly in another city

Don’t feel bad, OP, just move on. Her being good company isn’t enough when only one side is making an effort

If she's not keen on meeting for lunch she should decline your kind offer. Maybe she could be a friend you do different things with but if she lets you down again continuously it might be better for you to not bother making arrangements with her.

Hope you're ok

I had a friend who did something a bit similar.. She would make dates and then phone up at the last minute with some feeble excuse. One time she phoned up to cancel a date going out for a meal. We talked on the phone and then ten minutes later she asked me if I wanted to go round hers instead. That's when realised it wasn't that she didnt want to see me but that she couldn't be bothered to make rhe effort to go out. I have up on her. I didn't get the impression there was something a bit wrong though. I think she had weird moods and some kind of insecurity going in.

Might it be her partner who pulls the rug at the last minute? Still posting on SM means nothing.
I'd have to have a conversation about it - to be certain she's OK.

Sorry that should read " I did get the impression..."