Friend didn’t show up

[icelolly46]

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

What do you mean? She moans when she thinks people are off with her or give out to her and mentions in passing that she decided not to go to the restaurant or whatever. Then she will be hurt when she realises she has been blocked. I've tried to say perhaps they were upset about X but she rolls her eyes and slags them off.

Leave it, she got a better offer somewhere else.

I think most of us have come across a person like that in our lives. Show the same blase "contempt" for her. Block and move on. Nothing to salvage only more of the same.

Don't feel bad or anything, it's not you it's her.

if you’re sure she’s not in an abusive relationship, maintain dignity, say nothing, make no contact whatsoever. If she ever gets in touch with you again be civil, but don’t put yourself in a position where she can humiliate you again. In other words, don’t make any arrangements to meet up in person EVER.

‘I’m busy I’m afraid but if you want to phone me for a chat sometime then feel free to do so’. Then it’s on her.

I wouldn’t give anyone the opportunity to make a fool of me twice.

the chances are she won’t reply and you’ll feel even more annoyed.

Yes I could well imagine this happening.

I had similar many years ago, everyone loved her, she was the life and soul, but omg, so flaky! It took me forever to realise that if it was convenient, she’d turn up. Hot tub evening round at mine? She’d be there. Film she wanted to see? She’d be there. Meal out but she wasn’t arsed? She’d be ‘ill’. I literally like the occasional social media post, haven’t seen her in years.

You say youre the only who makes all the effort.
I'd stop. It doesn't seem like she's bothered about you, sadly.

You could text her the cost of the food she wasted and say she can PayPal it to you.

or you could just text "fuck you" or better still, say nothing ever again to her.

So rude.

I've been in similar situations several times during my life. In all cases I eventually stopped messaging/trying to meet up and waited to see if they'd ever initiate things themselves. They never did. I still occasionally bump in to one of them, and am superficially friendly, and they'll gush and say "oh let's meet up! I'll text you!" but they never actually do.

I'm only really upset about losing one flakey friend, whom I'd known for 30 years and wasn't always a flake.

I've never called anyone out on it, but with hindsight wish I had.

Why on earth do you feel 'humiliated' ?

Happened to me on Saturday too OP. Really pissed me off. I am cutting the person off.

I would guess because her friend showed her she wasn’t worth turning up for. It is hurtful and embarrassing when a friend shows you up in front of others and you have to make light of it to save face. My exh did this sort of thing repeatedly to me over the years and it left me feeling worthless in the end. Sometimes the people that hurt you the most don’t actually have to throw a punch or say anything nasty.

This happened to my friend. Had been friends for years, never let me down. She had been with a new partner for a year or so and gradually was pulling away from me. She stood me up a bunch of times. The last time I was sat in a restaurant waiting for an hour, I texted her saying I was done.

A couple of years later, she contacted me out of the blue to say she’d just left her abusive relationship and that he’d cut her off from everyone (even her parents and siblings). We rebuilt and are now close again. She’s happily married.

Anyway, if I was OP, I’d message the friend to say that I hope she is okay as she didn’t show up for lunch and that you’re there for her if she has a problem. Then leave it at that and not contact her again if the problem is simply that she’s a crap friend.

Wow. So blatantly rude.

As you've been reluctant to ditch her, despite previous form, I'd mentally demote her to "casual aqaintance". If you ever bump into her, enjoy it for what it is, but never expect her to behave as a "friend", because she won't.

Classic case of "Charisma Privilege".

Honestly I think you should take control of the narrative here and call her out.

Something straightforward like “I was expecting you to get in touch to apologise for the no show at the weekend. The fact that you havent, despite me checking in ahead of the day is not just bad manners but it suggests you dont place the same value on our friendship as I do. I’m all for being honest and open so I’m letting you know I’ll take a step back from here. All the best”.

I suspect she knows that she is fun and good company and trades off this. This not only gets your feelings across in a measured way but lets her know that there are other parts of her personality that in fact, as a grown up, you are not prepared to tolerate just to be graced with her marvellous company now and again. No one is that desperate.

I agree with the other posts saying people are flakey because they get away with it. I have a really flakey friend, but she would never just not show up she would at least have the decency to let me know if she wasn’t going to make it (and she cancels a lot!) Someone who doesn’t even have the decency to let you know they can’t come and just doesn’t show is just outright rude. You will soon realise that ‘Friends’ who only show up when it’s convenient for them are not friends. Don’t bother texting her, if she happens to txt you just reply saying you are upset and disappointed (in saying that I do love the above post idea for a txt) Honestly, dump the friendship, it doesn’t sound like much of one anyway x

I wouldn't contact them, and see how long it takes for them to reach out to you. Sounds like a very one sided friendship. I wouldn't invite them ever again, unless they had some really good, and honest excuse, which seems very unlikely.

Cut her off

Absolutely don't send this,that sort of person will likely twist the whole scenario and make you out to be the bad guy,just leave it.

Hi op - do not invite her again - she's incredibly rude and entitled and probably got what for her was "a better offer" - she's superficial and there's no way 8d contact her - keep your self respect and head high and think no more about her.

I wouldn't contact them again and see what happens. Assuming all is well with them (and if they're posting on FB then it probably is), then she's not a true friend. Fine if you see her around, you haven't burnt bridges, but just be casual.

Not even 15 posts in and the man gets the blame. Even by Mumsnet's standards, this is quite something!

Another with a flaky friend here too.

It took me years to realise at the end of the day she was just full of shit tbh. Big promises about coming to this or that. Big promises to my Ds1 (her godchild) but taking him places for a treat (he would get himself ready and she'd never show) followed by ghosting us for months and months. Occasionally she would pop back up and say she was 'busy' or 'depressed' or 'forgot'. I know some people with controlling partners are isolated from friends, but this is most definitely not the case with her having known her for 25 years.

Great fun when you could pin her down. I'm done. I last saw her Christmas 2023 when we bumped into her by chance in the pub when she gave my child again grand promises to take him to something he wanted to go to. I said to him later 'You know it does not mean anything don't you' He agreed he did. Then last week she texted out of the blue to say 'let's catch up'. Did not arrive at where we were supposed to meet.

She's known for it in our friendship circle. There is occasionally a comment about how her word means fuck all. She did text about 2 days later to say something had come up and could we meet up this week. I said no, I no longer had the time to be mucked around'. She responded angrily but I don't give a fuck anymore.

Sadly (for her) I was one of the last friends still happy to catch up if it happened.

I'd be furious and send something like this
"I can see from your social media that you are alive and well so I can only assume that you got a better offer for Sunday and are simply next level rude to confirm and then not show up. I won't make that mistake again"

It sounds like she's having a laugh at your expense. It would be 'flaky' if she'd forgotten, but she didn't forget, she confirm in the day then CHOSE to not show up.

I'd just block her.