Friend didn’t show up

[icelolly46]

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

Please don’t chase her op!!

I’d be ditching her for sure.
Rude doesn’t even cover it!

If you keep seeing her then it would be embarrassing for you to be honest - you'd look like a completely doormat who is desperate for her attention.

The fact that it's always you doing the running was already a bit cringe before she didn't show up, which is inexcusable rude. It doesn't even sound as if you need to officially "drop" her as a friend, more if you just stop trying to get hold of her the friendship will end naturally as she is clearly not bothered about maintaining it.

Save yourself the final bit of humiliation in her confirming this if you "confront" her and just don't bother contacting her again.

Why on earth would you text her again?

How much clearer can she be, she doesn't value you, your time, your money spent on food and doesn't want your friendship.

Stop wasting both your times, you are worth more than the nothing she is giving you.

I have a high tolerance for flaky friends but I have no time for rudeness like that. I would not make any attempt to reach out.

Look, she clearly doesn't give a shit about upsetting you so I think you're perfectly within your rights to send her a message telling her (calmly and politely) that you're put-out and, frankly, annoyed at yet another no-show. MNers are brilliant at composing such messages to help.

I have a friend like this, in this situation she’d probably turn up after everyone had eaten already. Always very very late or if she feels plans are casual enough, not at all. Fantastic company when she shows, known her 30 years, but a couple of years ago I decided enough is enough and I’m not arranging anything and politely declining the rare occasions she reaches out. My friend is able to get to places on time, she’s got a good job and I suspect is always on time for friends she thinks she has to impress. I think she feels I’m chilled out enough to not worry about it. I think she feels she doesn’t have to bother with me.

No, don't contact her, she doesn't give a tiny shit about you,I can't believe the sheer rudeness 😱

I wouldn’t text. I wouldn’t put any more effort in. She must know it’s rude. She either doesn’t care or doesn’t think you mind.

Op she is showing you who she is. It’s her turn to contact you and apologise. I wonder if she is more reliable with other friends. I think you need to find friends that meet your effort and appreciate you.

Leave it. One day she (might) remember you exist and (probably because she wants something) will call/text and you can reply…”I don’t think so.” And just leave it. If she has the audacity to ask why… (probably will). Just say “Honestly? I don’t want to.” If she sends flying monkeys out after that (to cover her arse). Explain that yes, it was just as brutal as her repeated, humiliating treatment of you, and at least you were honest.

Ditch her forever, but first give her an absolute row. This is peak rudeness. It's completely unacceptable. There is no amount of other redeeming features that would ever make me want to keep a friendship with such a person. She clearly thinks very little about other people

That's not the behaviour of a friend
Don't invite her to anything again

I can see why some are saying contact her, but I don’t want to chase her again when it really should be her reaching out now to apologise and explain. I think I’m going to leave it and see if she ever actually gets in touch. Thanks for the advice.

My suggestion wasn't about chasing her. It was about telling her that her behaviour is not on (for you) and that you're done. Closure, if you like.

I would confront her!
If you don't want to come across as starting a fight make it jokey.
A friend didn't come to my 30th birthday party so I just sent him a text saying 'did you have a good time at my party on Saturday night?' He had genuinely forgotten and was really embarrassed and we laughed about it.

The 1 time I didn't show up for a friend. I accidentally got locked out the house (yale lock) with my phone inside. I ended up having to borrow a hammer and smashed the glass in the door so I could get in before the DC (both SEN) came home. I had tea cooking in the slow cooker so it wasn't like I could wait around for hours for a locksmith.

I think the fact she’s posting normally on social media and not even messaged to apologise shows how much she cares. Usually I would be all up for sending a message to her but I don’t think she’s that bothered about the friendship which is upsetting for you.

I would focus on other people and not contact her again. If she does eventually message you then you can bring up her rudeness.

“Hi Flaky, it would be appreciated to be given the courtesy of updating me that you couldn’t be there on Saturday. I’d gone to a lot of effort with the food and I was relying on your reply that morning that you would be there. I can see you are ok as you’ve been posting on Facebook so I can only assume you had what you decided was a better offer and chose to ditch my dinner and not tell me. That’s not ok, I am really fed up with your attitude and lack of respect for my time and effort. I’m not going to rely on you to attend anything going forward, I will be civil if we bump into each other but it’s clear that you don’t value me so it’s not worth my energy to try and be friends”

or

” I am a bit confused about Saturday. You said you would be there but didn’t show up. What happened?”

Why are you chasing a friendship with someone who doesn’t like you?

Absolutely no contact going forward. She wasted your time and money, unbelievably rude. It all sounds very one sided and I really would take a complete step back now. I wouldn’t bother messaging her about her rudeness because the chances are she won’t reply and you’ll feel even more annoyed.

Be prepared not to hear from her again as she probably won’t make contact if you don’t instigate it but really, it doesn’t sound like a big loss to you.

Really? I've lived in Turin and found the opposite to be true
People would be texting all morning saying how much they are looking forwards to lunch, that they are just headed for the tram or bus, that they are walking from the stop to my flat now ...
If anyone couldn't make it not only would they send at least one message apologising, but usually a follow-up inviting me to another event at their place or a restaurant at their expense

I think you're right, just leave it. What could she possibly say that would make a difference? Don't feel bad because of her terrible behaviour, only she is responsible for how she behaves. She could have texted you to say she wasn't coming after all, as a bare minimum, and she didn't bother. That's utterly shocking and I can't imagine doing this to somebody, even if they were a passing acquaintance rather than an actual friend. There's no excuse.

Just leave her to her own devices and reduce her to anecdotes about rubbish friends you once knew.

She is incredibly rude and hurtful. As other posters have said, she’s not remotely bothered about hurting or inconveniencing you. I would not pursue the friendship any more if I were you and would certainly never be inviting her to anything ever again. What a horrible character trait!

> People are flaky because other people don't pull them up on it
I 100% agree with this