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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend didn’t show up

259 replies

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

OP posts:
MayBeee · 22/07/2025 07:49

My advice ?
Goodbye former friend .

JuniperJuly · 22/07/2025 07:50

Your friend is treating you as disposable and like you dont matter.
You are worth more than that.

susiedaisy1912 · 22/07/2025 07:51

Dump her op. She doesn’t value your friendship one but. How bloody rude to give you reassurance that she will be there then just not bother turning up. That’s so disrespectful. Set your boundaries and expectations higher don’t put up with being treated like that.

Goditsmemargaret · 22/07/2025 07:54

Your friend is just like my sister. She is selfish in the extreme and treats all her friends (whose friendship she does value but only in terms of what it does for her) like this. I have watched the same situation play out for decades; everyone has their tipping point and will cut contact with her when they get there. What I have noticed is that the younger they were when they met the longer it takes.

For example her teenage friend accepted about 25 years of sitting waiting in restaurants or pubs or her house and always told her it was fine then one day very timidly said "I wish you wouldn't do this to me all the time." A year later she blocked her everywhere. My sister was devastated.

More recently a friend of less than a year calmly told her she wouldn't be making any arrangements to meet up again as my sister had arrived late and caused stress attending an event for the rest of them. The group had arrived early as agreed so they could get good seats but they assumed something was wrong when my sister was an hour late. She breezed in with no apologies or explanations and then was livid at their reaction and ridiculed them afterwards.

She's my sister, I love her and don't intend to cut her off but I wish more people in your shoes would just give it straight before they cut her off.

Pickingmyselfup · 22/07/2025 08:09

I had a flaky friend when I was a teenager, always cancelling and not reliable. The final straw was her trying to bring a random friend to my 18th birthday dinner and then cancelling on my 18th birthday party. After that I was totally done with her, sad because we had been friends since primary school but I have no patience with persistent flakes.

Just drop her, she isn't worth your time.

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 08:17

Goditsmemargaret · 22/07/2025 07:54

Your friend is just like my sister. She is selfish in the extreme and treats all her friends (whose friendship she does value but only in terms of what it does for her) like this. I have watched the same situation play out for decades; everyone has their tipping point and will cut contact with her when they get there. What I have noticed is that the younger they were when they met the longer it takes.

For example her teenage friend accepted about 25 years of sitting waiting in restaurants or pubs or her house and always told her it was fine then one day very timidly said "I wish you wouldn't do this to me all the time." A year later she blocked her everywhere. My sister was devastated.

More recently a friend of less than a year calmly told her she wouldn't be making any arrangements to meet up again as my sister had arrived late and caused stress attending an event for the rest of them. The group had arrived early as agreed so they could get good seats but they assumed something was wrong when my sister was an hour late. She breezed in with no apologies or explanations and then was livid at their reaction and ridiculed them afterwards.

She's my sister, I love her and don't intend to cut her off but I wish more people in your shoes would just give it straight before they cut her off.

Your sister is very honest to tell you all this

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 08:17

Op don’t invest in any more entertaining until you have invested in a self confidence course

Anonomoso · 22/07/2025 08:19

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:09

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

Clearly she's not as bothered as you are as to whether you meet up or not.

You say she's got form for being flaky so you're setting yourself up for a fall everytime you ask her to an event.

JudgeBread · 22/07/2025 08:21

Just ditch her OP. She obviously doesn't give a shit about this relationship so why do you?

I think I'd have to give her an earful about this first though, it's just so rude.

itsgettingweird · 22/07/2025 08:24

simsbustinoutmimi · 22/07/2025 05:06

I would honestly be worried that her partner was abusive and wanted to stop her going.

I posted YANBU then did think this afterwards.

I don’t think yabu to want to stop inviting her but I do think you need to check she’s ok.

AngelinaFibres · 22/07/2025 08:24

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:09

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

Never ever prioritise someone who only sees you as an option.

Princessfluffy · 22/07/2025 08:34

Message to say missed you last night is everything ok? And see what she replies.
if you don’t like the reply you don’t have to see her again or you can just mentally downgrade the relationship

IsawwhatIsaw · 22/07/2025 08:34

Clearly she couldn’t care less that you’d made the effort. She’s not a friend and I wouldn’t bother with her . Hopefully you’ve got other people you see?

freerangethighs · 22/07/2025 08:34

I'd check that she is alive and able to speak or write, and then ask her directly what part of your conversation on Saturday morning she didn't understand. Let her tell you she doesn't really listen when you talk and just agrees with whatever you say and then does as she pleases, and/or that she doesn't give a damn about your comfort or convenience, if that's the case. Very likely hearing it directly from her will make you feel less conflicted about quietly dropping her if that's your choice. You're really wasting time and energy being distressed over it if this kind of thing is her habit and it upsets you. See her if you run into her, if you want, but stop making plans that depend on her cooperation.

moose62 · 22/07/2025 08:40

Why do people not address this. No text...ring her up and ask why she didn't turn up having said she would hours earlier.
Unless there is a very good reason, ask her if being rude has become a habit with her.
People are flaky because other people don't pull them up on it. Are you frightened to ask her? She was downright rude to you and should have to explain why.

Wreckinball · 22/07/2025 08:42

I’d try to get her on her own to find out
Is she concealing an illness
Is her partner controlling her
If it’s neither leave her to contact you when she wants to meet up- she won’t and you can let it all go. If she’s flaky there’s no point having a go at her, she won’t care

Original poster
icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 08:45

chunkybear · 22/07/2025 07:48

What did friend 1 and partner say about the no show?

Friend 1 was expecting Friend 2 to show up (although they’d never met before). When she didn’t I made light of it at the time, but was privately embarrassed.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/07/2025 08:47

That’s extremely rude. This, together with you saying it’s always you who arranged things, suggests that she’s not actually that bothered about being friends with you. Just let this one go and focus on people who actually show up for you.

NetZeroZealot · 22/07/2025 08:47

It’s very simple.
Ask her why she didn’t show up or let you know.
Depending on the answer, dump her after.

PopeJoan2 · 22/07/2025 08:48

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:03

I say reluctantly because she’s good company to be around, if you ever actually manage to see her!

People like this are always thought of as “good fun” while reliable loyal friends like me get taken for granted. They are charmers who groom everyone around them so that they can treat them like sh*t and get away with it.

you need to call her out on this. She is not a friend. She is an abusive cow.

treesandsun · 22/07/2025 08:48

once I had established she hadn't been in some terrible accident and you know she hasn't because of her posting on social media. I would have contacted her and said I specifically asked you if you were still coming today for lunch , to then not show up without so much as an apology shows me don't give a fuck about this 'friendship' - I'm done with you and should have been a long time ago and and then have nothing more to do with her

TomatoSandwiches · 22/07/2025 08:54

Do you think she was pissed off at the morning message so decided to not bother or something? Not excusing her awful behavioir but it is odd to confirm the morning of and then be a no show.

Spindrifts · 22/07/2025 08:57

Just let it go. Simple as that. No b'day cards, texts, 'phone calls, meet ups, anything. There are so many nice people in the world, why do we agonise over flaky individuals who hamper our best lives. Read view mirror of history to her. Bye. Bye.

Hedgedone · 22/07/2025 08:57

OP, kindly meant but have some self respect.
Stop chasing this person, they don't care about you.
Let it go.

Original poster
icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 09:01

I’ve read all the replies now. I do feel humiliated. I’ll consider whether to text her one more time or just leave it and see if she eventually texts me.

OP posts: