To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

What did he do with the inheritance? Did the children see any of it?
And he sounds very controlling.

How do you pay for stuff? Do you have direct access to some of his salary?

It’s sounds strange for such a basic thing. You’re not being unreasonable. Hes in the wrong. Do you have access to child benefit? Tell him you’re going to start working part time to pay for the passports and see what he says.

You need to see that your husband is being controlling and uses his temper as a way to shut you down. I am concerned that you seem to talk as if you don't have access to money. Do you not hqve an account or joint one to pay forthings? Is he just making you have an allowance and dictates all the finances? YANBU at all and the marriage you describe is not a healthy one. He seems to want to restrict you and the children and using this passport issue as a means to do it. You sound stuck, alone and reliant onhim as your children need you for all their health needs. Your daughter is seeing how others live and she wants to see some places and you go on a trip with friends. You are simply in an abusive marriage and this issue is the tip of the iceberg. This is not something to say lightly, but I'd see a good divorce lawyer, take your sob husband for half, get child maintenance and see about what benefits you could get with 2 children. You have no equal partnership in the marriage and sound like you do 100% parenting, household stuff, cooking etc and he comtrols all the finances and keeping you 3 under his control.

What kind of country do you live in that you cannot apply for a passport for yourself or your children?!

We just go to the local Passport office in the town/city hall.

Provide recent photos, your ID and takes a week.

Maybe you need Reunite | International Child Abduction Centre | Child Abduction Charity

The OP made it clear her husband won't pay for them which makes it seem he is a controlling scumbag who dictates what is spent. OP doesn't appear to have any money of her own or they don't have a joint account and any equality in the marriage.

I think the issue is that she can’t pay for them as she has no money of her own and her husband won’t pay for them.

He is controlling and you should consider whether there are other elements of your relationship that are also red flags.

I think the only solution here is for you to try and loom for evening and weekend work so that you have some financial independence. He will have to step up with the kids while you're at work.

"He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions."

But do you have access to the money yourself or not? If so, just get them. £120 for both the kids and £95 for yours (thereabouts). This isn't a big purchases like a new car or a boiler, although you didn't say what you would define as "big"

Would he also kick up a fuss about you going on holiday though? What does he say not to the passport conversation but when you talk about taking the kids away?

Why are you asking him and not just doing it?

OP, you have a much bigger issue than just you and your children not having passports.

You have a "DH" who has a veto over any legitimate request that he disagrees with. He is being unreasonable and is, or bordering on, being controlling. He also appears to be secretive of the family finances. You should be knowledgeable about and have equal access to all currrent and savings account. You are not some hired unpaid nanny for his children.

You have chosen to stop working to provide increased care and support for your children. Just because you don't currently work outside the home doesn't mean he gets to control the money and make all the decisions with your valid opinions and choices being ignored.

So wake up OP, and don't become one of the many posters on here saying that their husband has walked out on them and have no money, either temporarily or permanently, because the partner handled all the finances. Or that they want to leave the partner, but can't do so because they don't have access to any money.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Sounds like you have WAY bigger issues than not having a passport...

Seems he's trying to keep you all on a short leash. Massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩

It isn’t true your kids can’t go abroad because they don’t have passports.

They can’t go abroad because their controlling father does not want them to go abroad / doesn’t prioritize them to go abroad.

Some practical steps:

If you have access to household money start saving cash. You can over time save enough for a provisional licence so you have ID. Then get passports for you and the children. Get the forms now - familiarize yourself with them, fill them in, get pictures. Be proactive. If you’re ready to pop them in the post then you will be more motivated to get the money & finish the process. It will be real to you.

Price up a holiday. Make a plan for what you can do with the kids. What is feasible? Train to North France? Ferry? Flight? Start making a plan so you know where you’d want to go and how’d you get there.

When it’s real to you - you can then find a way to make it happen. Can you get an evening shift at weekend somewhere? HCA, overnight care for parents with child for additional needs, cleaning, whatever your previous role was in? Cleaners get £18 an hour here - £25 for deep clean. In 4 weeks you’d have the money and the passports. Start taking back small pieces of independence. You will realise you are not passive waiting for his permission- you have made a lot of choices for your life to be as it is and you will have to make choices for it to change.

See how you feel in a month. Has the dynamic changed, is he paying attention? is he caring for his own children in his own time, can you see yourself getting more independence? How does that all feel?

Think about learning to drive. Think about what it would be like to be able to make decisions to spend £100 on something you’ve wanted for years without an angry and controlling response. Think about the peace you could have.

Take small steps forward each day. You’ll soon be far beyond your situation. You may be better off in a home where you and your children can have dreams and make them happen rather than be controlled and curtailed.

You are a powerful person. Get the passports - start now - work toward the goal each day. You don’t need permission from him. You need permission from yourself to take action. Then start thinking about all the other ways your life got small and start to enlargen it.

Get a job.

And of course get passports, it's not up to your dh. Assuming you have actual access to funds, just organise them and pay for them with household money.

And yep, this is a good place to start looking for help for your abusive situation.

You should have full access to family accounts OP and the ability to see what’s in them and buy something as basic as passports without permission.

You’re not his third child you’re his wife.

You should have access to funds - open an account in your own name and get the child benefit paid into it. Next sell stuff on vinted / eBay etc and look for paid work; do what you can to build up some money in case you decide to leave him.
You have one life as do your children and it’s sad it’s being limited by your mean and stingy husband; his actions are illegal - look up financial control.

Why can't you apply for and pay for the passports yourself? You say that your husband is so reasonable with his earnings and you both view it as joint money? Somehow I have the impression you are trying to cover for him here though and it's pretty transparent.

Are you trying to deny the fact that he is financially abusing you and you don't actually have access to the family finances, only he does and he holds the purse strings very tightly? It sounds like that is more likely to me because otherwise you would have sorted this yourself by now, surely. Do you have access to any funds at all or does every last penny have to be approved by him?

If that's right and he is this controlling then you need an exit strategy from this relationship.

He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

This is not reasonable at all. He is financially controlling. He's only ok with you spending money if he agrees with what it's spent on.

I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere

Then get a passport. And for the DC.

As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them

You're being financially controlled. You don't need to justify spending decisions to him, unless it's something big when it should be a joint decision. Just get the passports and stop asking permission for these things. It should not be an issue. It will be, because he's financially controlling. Watch your back. When you start standing up to an abuser, the abuse often escalates into violence. If you can, get the passports using cash and don't tell him you have them, because frankly it's none of his business whether you have a passport or not. If he never takes DC on holiday he doesn't actually need to know that they have a passport until the time comes that they want to use it.

told us he can’t afford them.

This is bullshit, as you're well aware. He's not broke. Even if he was, it could be your Christmas and birthday presents all joined together for one year.

He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport

He is wrong. You want to go abroad so clearly you do need a passport.

What he's saying is that he doesn't want you to go abroad and will try to prevent it, which he is doing by denying you a passport. This is controlling behaviour. You have the right to go anywhere you want.

Obviously you'd discuss it with a husband and not just randomly disappear one day and call him up announcing you're on holiday. That would be unreasonable. But if he tries telling you you can't go on holiday, then he is being unreasonable.

The discussion would be around:
When and for how long (eg don't deliberately book a holiday the week your partner is attending a dead relative's funeral or eg the weeks before/after your partner is due to give birth. Those would be unreasonable situations).
What's happening with childcare (if you're usually the childcare) eg if he needs to do school runs that week then he needs to know this, and you'd need to find out whether he actually can do it or not with his work commitments, if not another solution would need to be found or else don't go in holiday that particular week.
Where are you going (so he knows for emergencies) and contact details for the hotel, flights details so he can pick you up on return if you need that, unless you're planning to make your own way home.
Any concerns about whether the country is currently safe to travel to (wars and political unrest etc).

He has a say in whether his minor DC go on holiday or not and where. But with no good reason to refuse, he should agree, it's not ok to be a controlling arse with DC any more than it is with adults. Having the final say because you're a parent and considering the DC welfare and what's best for them as well as family finances is different to being controlling, you'd need to ascertain which it is before you could say whether he's being unreasonable or not.

Eg my family couldn't afford the school skiing trip, that's not controlling to say DC can't go.
It wouldn't be controlling to say DC can't go on holiday to Gaza next week, because it's at war.
It's not controlling to say DC can't go on holiday with X friend and friend's parents because you've never met them and can't be sure they'd keep DC safe, that would more be a personal parenting decision whether to allow it or not and people would have different opinions on it, as married couple you'd have to both agree.
It's controlling to say 18+ DC can't go on holiday because "my house, my rules".
It's controlling to say you can't take DC on holiday yourself, when there's no question of your ability to be a good parent.
It's controlling to say DC can't go on holiday with you to visit eg your parents in your home country, when there's no risk of you abducting them.

That ⬆️ sort of thing. He doesn't own you and doesn't get to decide how you spend your free time. The fact he's trying to is very bad news and means he's trouble. You should consider divorce. Controlling partners aren't safe and healthy people to be around.

You don’t have the right to demand that money is spent on luxury things when you aren’t contributing to the household finances. Passports and holidays are expensive and it’s horrible for you to pressure your husband to pay for these things without any help.

Your children have been old enough for you to work for a long time but you have had the privilege of SAH and passports and holidays are the sacrifice that goes along with that.

You need to remove yourself from the ever grown list of MN poster's who need to be financially dependent on a man, i know it is a daily occurrence on here but surely you know you need a job and to pay and organise what you want

No I will never understand why women let men do all theot thinking for them nor why they can't work out they should have their own money, I dont know when the idea will sink in but we keep on being told women are intelligent adults but it is getting rarer to see evidence of it, is this really what you want to show your children?

A man is not a bank you need to get a job

Did you miss the part where she talked about having to look after her disabled children? When one partner is as controlling as hers is, it can be almost impossible to make any decisions about your life - yes, even getting a job. I know, I’ve lived that life. A husband that demands that his wife do everything around the house and children, who will not look after the children at all, who controls all the finances, who belittles and humiliates you on a daily basis, isolates you from your friends and family. At the same time, all your friends, who just happen to actually be His friends, see you as being in a lucky position not having to go out to work because he’s just such a great husband providing for you.
You clearly know nothing about martial abuse do you?

You have access to the joint account so just order passports don't ask

I'm sorry but what absolute bollocks.

The op has contributed equally to the marriage. How would the husband work and earn money if she wasn't looking after two children with additional needs. It's hugely benefitted him. The money in a marriage is joint. Why on earth should he get final say over purchases.