To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Sympathies. I struggled with driving & spent a fortune on lessons. Just as I was thinking of taking my test, I discovered that my astigmatism was so bad that I stood a high chance of not being able to get behind the wheel of a car at the test. Binned it. Some people don't drive, that is all. We'd all have better lives if a great many more didn't drive but that ship has sailed.

I completely understand why you’d want a passport for you and your children. I’d also add that my friend didn’t have a passport until after she was 16 which meant when she applied she had to attend an interview at the passport office which to me is another reason to make sure you get both your children a passport. Also when we applied for our son it was much easier to just put both parents passport numbers on so do yours first if you can. And definitely apply for carers allowance, could even save it for your first trip, they usually backdate for 3 months and pay a lump sum which could come in handy.

Regards to driving, OP, and barriers for it.

Therapy was a good idea, however, it would be CBT, not counselling, that you’d need for it.

I appreciate now may not be the right time, but thought I’d mention it. Do you get panicky in other situations too? The CBT itself may still be a good idea, even if driving lessons were to return again later. I’d encourage you not to dismiss it completely just yet.

I get nervous in some situations but not to the point where I don’t do them or it affects my capacity. Driving is the only one. Funny enough both my parents were exactly the same and they didn’t drive either. Perhaps I should set up a different thread about driving as this was really about the passports.

I’ve tried to set up an Etsy shop today only to find that I need photo id and my expired driving license doesn’t cut it!

Thank you for all the advice. I have some practical suggestions moving forward.

You’re not addressing the root cause of the situation by setting up an Etsy shop. You have a husband who earns a good amount and you are not able to work due to your childrens need. You shouldn’t be having to try and hussle to make some pocket money. You should he addressing why your husband is withholding money from you and trying to control you.

Thank you, and yet I have had conflicting advice in this thread telling me the complete opposite.

I keep repeatedly being told I need to get back to work and to regain financial independence, so in the last few days I have done just that. I’ve chatted to him about going back to work and discussed paying for passports again and rejigging finances. I’ve also started to apply for Carers Allowance.

I’m grateful for different perspectives on it all. I still probably won’t pass my driving test no matter how much people tell me I need to drive.

@Marzipanface I don’t know if this has already been suggested or whether you’ve already tried it, but I’ve had terrible trouble passing my test in a manual car, so have switched to an automatic and the difference is like night and day. So much easier! Worth a shot if you would like to pass eventually.

Hi OP, you can also use the Citizen Card as photo ID for Etsy, I just checked it worked. You don't need another form of photo ID to get one, you just need to go the paper form route and get a referee to confirm your identity. We did express service for our baby and got it back in less than a week.😊

You won't pass because you are under pressure which is understandable. Even if you waited a few more years to go back to work it doesn't give your husband the right to control the money. If you want passports you shouldn't have to beg him you are giving him to much power.

sounds like he deeply hates travelling abroad and would especially do so with added responsibility of looking after DC and is going to block anything that might put pressure on him to do so for his holidays?

I'd tell him you are going to get a passport for yourself as a start because life without ID in the UK is less and less feasible. Take the money out of the household budget and cut something else out temporarily? Once you have yours and if you feel able to do a day ferry trip e.g. with the kids then you can work on getting theirs but I wouldn't plan for family holidays abroad because it sounds like he would be very miserable on them.

I agree. OP shouldn’t be running herself ragged trying to look after two kids with additional needs and working just because her husband is financially abusive. He needs to change.

He definitely needs to change, but it's not just about the OP running herself ragged. She physically can't be in two places at once.

If he doesn't change though and she does eventually leave him, she'll need some money saved, so an Etsy shop isn't a bad idea if it's something she can do around childcare. Equally if she decides to tolerate being controlled, it's her life and her decision, so again earning some money if she's able to isn't a bad move. It's also confidence boosting to have something in her life that's just hers and that she's not dependent on him for.

Freedom of movement between country to country isn't a human right as well. Within a country yes. But not between 2 countries.

You sound happy about that. Is it you or your family campaigning outside migrant hotels?

OP, The more I read, the more uneasy I become. This isn't about passports or driving, but about something much more fundamental. Something is very 'off' about your relationship, and you're too close to it to be able to see things clearly. Do you have friends or family members you can talk to?

No, but that's a completely different issue.

Don't quote me again

OP I recommend even just applying for a new provisional licence and as others mentioned saving slowly for passports. I would also be worried about your pension - children benefit gives state benefit credits until about 16. So when your younger DC get to 16, what will ro about your pension? A state one will likely not cover it. It can be extended to 18 years old if your children are in full time education but still. Many women (due to the motherhood tax) find it difficult to retire, only 1 in 10 retire at retirement age. Often when they have children, going part-times or full-time, less promotions so less income growth. How old are you OP?

Why not?

Can you get a weekend job?

If you can, I would flat out tell him he can facilitate your working at weekends just as you've done for years 24/7. Because you're tired of not being treated equally for big decisions. He gets to decide all of them, and that is patently unfair in a marriage.

Let him be 'incompetent' at them. Your children aren't babies any more. He can learn to cope and manage to pick up his own home while he's doing so

Unfortunately the cut off point for credits has been reduced from 16 to 12. It's been that way for some time.

Check this; because it relates to your state pension & other benefits for yourself

www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Check this for yourself too

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension