To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

That's his choice and he shouldn't be making it yours.

But why don’t you get a job now? Then you can save up and get them yourself. You accuse him of weaponised incompetence but what is stopping you getting a job now?

Yes, he is blocking them. Passports can also be needed for some school trips, which at present these children would have to be denied.

Passports aren't just about travel, they're also about ID which faciliates employment especially if there are DBS checks. This includes voluntary work.
To keep options open even if now is not the right time, OP needs multiple IDs and proofs of address.

Working with children with additional needs can be incredibly difficult without flexible jobs and family support. Viable, professional childcare to meet their needs often doesn't exist. While parents weather out breaking even on childcare costs on younger children in nurseries for the long term benefits, that simply doesn't work long term/ indefinitely for children with additional needs who can't attend mainstream group settings.

If DLA and carer's allowence are applicable then apply for them.
I found with DS that his needs loitered around the cusp of being eligible for DLA because of the rigidity of criteria, sometimes there's enough gap of age expectations and sometimes there isn't. DLA criteria don't cover the core problem of his sensory and social needs using up his full capacity to get through a day in mainstream school and being fit for nothing for at least two hours after school. Some days it's about 5 hours until he has energy to hold a conversation with me. Childminders and after school club would have sent him into complete burn out, and sometimes it's a fine line line even coming home to a SAHP.

Ultimately OP's H is quibbling over a document that costs less than a week's food shopping. He should not be vetoing this in this manner.

It's depressing how many spouses do not respect the support and value that a SAHP adds to their lives by relieving routine/ holiday/ emergency childcare, simplifying logistics, taking care of the home and its resources. They'd certainly notice the costs of outsourcing all that to professionals and the additional administrative load of co-ordinating it!

You have left yourself in a very vulnerable position and your DH is now the gatekeeper.
DH wage goes into an account we both have access too.

I don't think it is fair on anyone in the home, you can balance it by getting a job. Plenty of families keep the house tidy while working, look for something from home, if you've no experience, complete a medical secretary course online. The money is decent for starting off, if you have other skills, they'll merge.

You need to get a job, it’s the only way you can regain independence. There are jobs out there that you would be able to do whilst your kids are in school eg cleaning, dog walking, shop work.
Then save your money for driving lessons(try automatic it’ll be easier ) and passports. Besides if you don’t have a job how will you even pay for a holiday?
Has he always been so controlling? it doesn’t sound like he will change so unless you leave , this is your only option.

Yes I have my own bank account and yes he does transfer money to me to cover bills and household expenses. He is by no means financially abusive in this respect and does not begrudge me spending money on most things nor does he go through my bank statements.

When it is large purchases he tends to have the final say.

You mean you don't have a bank card? Sounds unworkable, given that a lot of places don't take cash now.

Assuming you do, stop talking and act - apply for the passports, and pay. Tell him afterwards.

No we aren’t planning a holiday abroad. We can afford small trips to the coast and Centerparcs each year so we can afford a holiday abroad. We can’t go however because we don’t have passports and he won’t pay for them.

Have you never had a passport, even as a child yourself? Surely it’s pretty straightforward now you can take ID photos on your phone and upload them directly? If you’ve access to a joint account, just get them - you don’t need his permission, just birth/marriage certificates and a teacher (?) to confirm ID.

In the bigger scheme of things, passports aren’t that expensive or difficult to get, so his reluctance can surely only stem from control issues or some other reason that he’s not keen to draw attention to.

Rubbish.

Are you clued up on your families financial status?

How much does your DH earn?
Did he receive yearly bonuses/pay rises?
How much is left on the mortgage?
Do you have family savings?

Surely if you share finances you just apply for these passports yourself. Why do you need him to do it?

Get the passports. They are a completely normal everyday thing. And yes, he is abusive if he questions how you spend YOUR money. You earn it by doing all the things he wants you to do.

And get a job.

Apply from your bank acc. Stop asking him

(Reason #23,657 I am glad this type of love never found me.)

The household income is joint which means you should have full access to it. This sounds like
financial control.

He is always stressed about work regardless of what he earns. He is a workaholic. I have no problem budgeting and have regularly gone without and counted pennies in the past and in the future. We have had money and we haven’t. Passports never get purchased though. He just doesn’t see them as necessary. At some point in my life I would like to travel somewhere other than the UK. He travels as far as China and the US for work.

Also, you should probably read the original post before making judgements and assumptions. My DH isn’t a beast of burden nor am I ‘blowing’ money and luxuriating in not working. I do not have the time or the childcare to get a job. If I did, I would be working and earning my own income like I used to. You must have the missed the bit where I have two children who have additional needs and one has medical tuition and the other is home educated due to no suitable placement. This is not a situation or a lifestyle I ever imagined for us all but there you go.

Leaving aside the financial issues for a moment, do BOTH parents have to sign/approve passport applications for their minor children?

I don't know. But that could be an issue.

I am clued up. I don’t need him to apply, I need the money. My ‘income’ doesn’t cover it. We discuss all big purchases but on this one he just says no and it turns into a row. I’m just sick of it.

I actually don’t know the answer to this one!

Yes you can apply and sign on your own as long as you have parental responsibility. You obviously need a countersignature for all 3 of you ,

He is selfish and controlling that is why he is turning it into a fight,

If the money you have access to isn’t enough to apply for passports you’re in trouble.

You haven’t answered the questions with regards to knowing how much he’s actually paid, if he receives bonuses and what’s being saved?

If you’re a SAHP and don’t have an active income, his income is family money. Meaning you should have access to the account his wages is paid into. Not just a separate account where you’re sent a few pennies for pocket money.

My kids are not in full-time school unfortunately, which is the main issue. We have to provide childcare when they aren’t. Rather than go into too much detail, we have two children, one who has part-time medical tuition due to health and physical needs, and another who is autistic and struggles with mainstream school to the point we took them out and ended up cobbling together an education which involved privately paid provision and home education as there isn’t a suitable state placement near us. We are waiting for an EHC.

My plan of going back to work once they were in full-time school never happened as they’ve never managed to successfully be in consistent full-time education.

Even if you had the money, he can refuse to sign the form.

I'd get the forms in, ask him to attend the police/professional for signing, if he refuses you know it is not about money.

If he travels for work, then he isn't earning pittance. How did you not notice this madness years before??

Thank you. This is the problem. I have DLA for one child but not for the other. The DLA is my income and it is taken up by food shopping, travel expenses and some medical expenses.