To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Op if you don't have access to money that you can't afford to buy passports then your husband is finacially controlling you. Are the children in receipt of disability benefit?

Oh for goodness sake, you need money obviously!

OP do you not have any access to funds whatsoever? Like, none? If you have access to a card why don’t you just buy them?

Im sorry but the fact you are having to ask your husband if you can have a passport is clear control.

It all depends on the bloke involved. I've come across some pretty mean men in my time like the one my friend married who refused to buy a washing machine for her, made her drive an old car, yet had sufficient cash for all his camera equipment etc. She was a SAHM. My current partner is generous and fair but I've also known men who just weren't big earners, worked for a charity, private estate etc where the wages were low but they did it for the love of the job. There is such a wide spread of different sorts of men. I do wonder though if these men are showing the 'meanness me' streak early on, why are women going on to have several babies with them? I would have been off by baby one. Is there not also the 'I don't stand up for myself and my rights' from day one involved - the people pleasers, the fixers, the nurturers, the nourishers. Perhaps if we were more self to begin with we would sort out earlier the wheat from the chaff!

You need to get ID. Put yourself first and get a passport. In my country passports are expensive - but they aren’t as expensive in the UK.

Surely you can put away money when you next go to the shops?? You can get your ID that way.

Also, why are your children complaining about not having a passport when they aren’t even in school?? You need to go to work and your children need to go to school.

Dear lord. Is this a devils advocate post? Saying what the husband must think?

Otherwise you’re…mad.

it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain cell that someone who cares for kids with needs and are not in mainstream school and a household is ‘contributing’.

even if lack of contribution is husbands issue he needs to bring that up, and discuss fair division of labour, instead of controlling finances to the point of abuse.

Also… not sure I need to say it, but I will. Staying home is not a luxury, it’s a sacrifice.

Children could apply for their own passports at 18

Start with talking honestly to your GP. Tell dh it s a women's issue or your health issue. GP can signpost you to help.

What would he do if you just went ahead and applied for all of you? I also suggest you learn to drive so you can be more independent.

So controlling! But if you have access to money in general, then apply for them yourself. UK passports don’t require for him to sign anything / fill anything out. You’ll just need his passport number for the form.

If you're able to accumulate the money by regular cashbacks on large weekly shops. That's assuming you're able to reduce your spending by any cashback amounts and your husband doesn't scrutinise your bill by item. You can then set up a monzo account and pay this in at the post office.

I do contribute to the household. I’ve done 24 hour childcare for the past 15 years so he can work as many hours as he chooses and rest when he needs to. He works hard. He has also done some international travel as part of his job and is able to do that because he has a wife who looks after the children and the house.

I cook, clean, do all the school runs and provide all the domestic and childcare. The fact you think this isn’t a contribution to our household and place no value on my labour is genuinely concerning.

For the record, I am not pressuring him into an expensive holiday abroad. I just want to be able to imagine that I could take the kids on a quick boat across the pond to see France or a Ryanair flight to see a family member. I didn’t go on expensive holidays as a child but I was able to do an overnight ferry trip once in a while. I think it is important for the kids to do this. He doesn’t. He would be happy to never leave the country if he had a choice.

No he isn’t controlling in that he stops me but he used to find it difficult being left with the kids on his own when they were young. Weaponized incompetence style.

This is not normal behaviour from a spouse.

I was a SAHM for 6 years until my youngest went to school and had full access to the joint account, plus my own savings -mainly from an inheritance. DH was the largest earner by far and we only needed one salary at the time - my salary would've been eaten up by nursery fees.

You are caring for children who have additonal needs and need to be at home for at least some of the time, and it's hard to go back to work after a long break, but I think you may need to part time to make sure you have access to your own money.

Do you have access to the joint account? It's not clear here but if you do, just get the passports. They are important for ID and for travel purposes of course. I often have to use my passport for ID for various things, atm I don't have a driving licence for medical reasons.

OP, you are SO right. It's good to see you're standing up for yourself against these posters. I wish you luck and hope things get better.

You haven't answered the question about whether you actually have direct access to money or not. Joint account? Him transferring you a realistic and proper amount into your own account?

If you do have access then just apply for the passports and pay for them yourself.

If you don't have access then why not?

I'm assuming you actually don't have your own access but don't want to say this. Otherwise you could have sorted all of this easily enough. This would be heading into financial abuse territory and you would need to look at leaving the relationship (safely).

I’ve tried learning to drive for years. I’m really bad at it. DH will not spend any more money on lessons as we can’t afford it and realistically it is a waste of money.

Sounds like a very unequal partnership. He’s calling all the shots, which is just unfathomable to me.

As your children are not young, why don’t you get a job and then you wouldn’t need to ask his permission for something as basic as passports.

Never mind the passports. What measures has he put in place to ensure your financial security in the event of divorce?

You need to prioritise getting a job. May be updating qualifications, volunteering to gain experience. You are in a vulnerable position as things stand.

It’s time to get back to work. SAHM is a great gig if both partners are supportive but he’s pulling rank on you here. The dc are older and you’re wanting more freedom and independence to make your own decisions and just because he isn’t on board with that, he doesn’t get to stop you doing so. You can’t make him buy your passports but you can earn your own money, get them yourself and go without him. I think you’ll all be happier.

So do you have access to actual money or not? Or do you have to run absolutely everything past him first?

How is your access to money set up? Can you access every account and see what is in it, make transactions etc.? Or can only he do that?

Going back to work if you can get it (much harder after a long absence as I know only too well) would definitely help you, but finding it can be easier said than done.

If your husband works thats many hours and does international travel, he's not on a low salary.

Whats stopping you just paying for the passports out of the joint account sorry, I might have missed you explaining that?

As a pp said you havn"t answered if you have access to money ? You.don't need his permission to spend a few hundred £s on passports he is blocking you and the children from experiences that isn"t fair.