To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Is he controlling in other ways, how does he react when you go out with friends and he stays in with the DC.

Do you already claim child benefit? If it goes into the joint account you can redirect that money to go into an account that is just yours.

The reason why the Child Benefit system is set up how it is, with various rules that annoy some mumsnetters and make them regularly start threads here moaning about how the rules don't centre their situation, is to help women in your situation. It is set up such that you have an absolute right to a small discretionary source of money where you don't have to be controlled by your DH. This is why even if he earns above threshold at which child benefit is withdrawn, you are still allowed to claim it and it is not "you taking his money" it is you claiming government money you are legally entitled to, and him paying tax that he legitimately owes. After a couple of months you will have enough child benefit money that you can go ahead and make this purchase for the benefit of the children and can then start saving for taking them on a cheap holiday. You have the power to do this.

At the point where the children are old enough to want to go on holidays and school trips abroad and they can manage it, I’m sure OP can also manage 2 days at work at this point so she can afford some extra things.
I don’t know an average family of 4 where there’s a sole earner and they can afford holidays, city breaks with friends etc easily.
We are a 2 income household, both work full time and earn above the UK average each and we still have to always plan big purchases, holidays, etc.
Your DH might be abusive in some ways but really, maybe in a one income household, there’s really just no money for holidays and other luxuries.

I see this argument a lot on here but I don't think it makes sense. He would work and earn money the same way lots of people with children do, by putting them in childcare, paid for by both parents. Or, in a lot of the cases I read on here where the father seemingly has no interest or involvement in raising his children, he most likely wouldn't have had children at all.

I don't think it's right for a husband to be abusive in any circumstances and presumably they both agreed to one parent staying at home so finances should be shared, but I disagree that staying at home has as big of an impact on the other parent's career as is often stated here.

Apply and pay for them yourself. If you haven’t got access to money then that’s the bigger issue here.

Say “yes I am having a go again and will keep having a go until me and the kids get passports and we book a holiday”

look at it this way he is failing to provide

I would also fail to provide cooing and laundry for him until this imbalance of finances is sorted out and that means not just the passports and holidays

be as sulky, stubborn and difficult as he is being.

Do you have your own income or access to money? Could you just sort them if finances allow? How frustrating your H can't even have a reasonable conversation about it, fair enough if you's can't afford to get them all done at once and book a holiday, but one at a time every other month or so and even book a holiday for 2 years time and pay it up. Something to look forward to for you all. You absolutely should have a passport if you have no ID. I think your H is being a bit of an arse about it tbh.

How can you say he is reasonable about his salary and it’s considered joint income when you don’t even have the ability to spend like £80 on a passport?!

My partner and I were having a debate last week about SAHP and frankly I should have shown him MN because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread where the woman doesn’t feel held hostage in one way or another.

What are the “some” additional needs? Do you need to be at home? I’d be trying to find something, even a PT to gain some independence because not even being able to have your own ID is just sad. He’s controlling and dismissive.

Is it possible he simply doesn't see the point of going abroad or is scared of flying?
However it seems you can't get the passport due to him controlling the finances- why is this? Is he in debt and doesn't have spare money or he just won't allow you access?

@Flippityhop it has an impact on both careers: one is able to progress at a pace he probably wouldn’t have otherwise (no need to miss work days for doctors appointments, school meetings, sick days, coming home to a ready house, no additional domestic labour) and the other one stays behind on any career progression because they halted everything.

It’s a massive gamble, I honestly don’t understand why anyone still risks it nowadays when you have options.

He might be controlling but can you all, as a family afford a trip abroad? If not I see his point and that pissing over £300 down the drain on passports is madness

I didn’t miss it, I just don’t agree that it’s controlling to disagree about having passports and going on holiday. It seems horrible to me to badger someone to spend an inheritance on unnecessary luxuries.

The husband is probably right and they genuinely can’t afford it, but because he can’t afford to support a family of four on one wage, MN calls him controlling and abusive.

He’s saying no to a holiday, not food.

Excluding the inheritance is it actually within the household budget to have a foreign holiday?
Do the kids get dla? Do you claim carers allowance?

She needs the money to do it obviously

Passport are not that expensive, and definitely are useful to have. I think he is using this as a way of control you.
YANBU.

Perhaps your husband is just careful with money as he is the earner and takes his role seriously. Perhaps he sees your role as SAHM and his as provider. Perhaps he is happy to stay at home and not travel. Perhaps he is tired from a busy job. Perhaps you could get the kids to have a chat with him starting with a small day out somewhere fun and then next a weekend away and get him to enjoy himself with the kids and then he may get a taste for travel further abroad. Not everyone can be steamrolled over. Some people need to be cajoled to get them out of their groove. Try to do things as a family. This time is precious and will soon pass and become just memories.

Are you fully aware of your family’s financial situation?

The thing that stands out to me from your post is that you don’t actually just want passports - you want passports to go on a holiday abroad. Could he be pushing back on passports to avoid the subsequent wanting to plan a holiday that he knows you can’t afford?

Just a thought.

For people saying that the OP needs to get a job, doesn't this usually require Photo ID? The op has already said that she also doesn't have a driving licence.

She can't just "get a job" as she has an abusive husband who won't care for the kids. I honestly wonder if posters have ever met actual people.

OP do you have access to cash on a daily basis and if so how
Do you have a bank card for the joint account, is there a joint account or just his account?
How do you buy food, clothing for the kids, clothing for you
How do you pay for prescriptions for yourself or glasses or dental care
Do you have any friends and are you part of any support groups for your children's special needs or your health concerns?

Sounds like the husband has found the thread.

A passport is important for so much more than just travel. These days it is generally used as id when getting a job, opening a bank account, there may be other accepted forms of id but I am guessing OP can't easily get hold of bills in her name either.

Could you focus on getting your passport first? Once you have that get your own bank account and do some work, there are surveys which you can take at home to earn some money. Or try to get a part time job? If the oldest is 15 can they do some babysitting of the younger one? I know it depends on the nature of their disabilities.

Do you have any family/ friends you can confide in?

Wow! Misogyny at its finest. She doesn’t have a ‘right’ to money because she’s a SAHM? And it’s her husband’s money not joint household money because he is the one that leaves the house to work? Goodness, what century do you come from?

Do you ever go on holiday? He sounds controlling and financially abusive.

Do you live in the England?
Do you get diability living allowance for your children? It's not a means tested benefit because the money is for your children and if your children want/need a holiday then that could be used to pat for it. It takes around 20 weeks at the minute but is back dated to the date you called for the form and I think you get 4 or 5 weeks to fill it in so over 20 weeks payment in a lump sum and then monthly payments which you'll be able.to spend on doing things for and with the children and is perfectly OK to use for yourself as they can't go alone.

Carers allowance. As long as you are not earning and only earning up to I thin around £150 a week you can claim carers allowance at around £80 a week if your children get awarded higher possibly middle as well rate dla will also be backdated but not as far as the DLA.

Carers allowance is for you!!!

If you don't already then then do please call for the forms and start the process. Your children deserve this. If you're going to then DO NOT tell your husband until after your children's first dla payment and you've ordered and paid for passports then tell him and show him the letter attached explaining how that money is for your children, it's paid into your bank because you applied and you're the one caring!!

He's a prickly, sorry but he is.