To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

*prick

The OP doesn’t say how much her DH earns and consequently how tight things may be having to support a family of four. Maybe he is stressed out with all the pressure of having to provide.

As for ‘financial abuse’, what utter rubbish. After her divorce, my late DM lived with a deeply unpleasant man who sent her out to work and then confiscated all her wages. That’s financial abuse.

Is the OP’s DH stopping her from working to make some money for herself? No.

Speaking personally, the idea that an unemployed adult who won’t work can dictate how my earnings are spent is for the birds.

The passport issue is a red herring. Your have bigger issues in your marriage and are being abused. Contact Women's Aid for advice.

Not having access to any money and not being able to apply for your own passport or make any decisions (like being able to go on holiday) IS financial abuse and therefore domestic violence. Her work at home is not considered 'work' and finance should be shared irrespective of who earns it.

I didn’t say that she has no right to money, I said she has no right to demand that money is spent on passports, which is true.

We have no idea if they could even afford passports, or a holiday, yet everyone wants to jump to accusing the husband of abuse, in typical MN style. It’s mad.

I'm guessing he has a stranglehold on finances. If not, I'd at least be squirrelling away the child and disabilities benefits to apply for passports for my children and I.
After that, I'd then challenge him on a holiday.
The fact you can't even get the passports going is very concerning.

For ID, start with applying for this

https://www.gov.uk/apply-first-provisional-driving-licence

I was just thinking the same thing! I think some people read that a person isn't working and just dive straight to 'get a job' without bothering to read the full story.

I’m sorry but comparing a disagreement over paying for a passport to domestic ‘violence’ really is an insult to DV victims.

The OP has the agency to get herself out there and to get a job, making money for herself to be independent rather than a dependent. Then she can pay for her own passport and the children’s foreign holiday.

So many couples manage to hold down FT jobs and yet are capable of dealing with the domestic work. I wouldn’t be comfortable being entirely dependent on another adult nor having one who’s now capable of working being entirely dependent on me.

A passport isn't a big purchase.

Do you not have access to money which would be less than a weekly food shop?

This sounds like he is financially abusing you. Please seek help. Can someone point her in the direction of agencies that can help with such abuse and coercive control?

If you live in UK
Claim this in your name
It also pays your National Insurance contributions while you are not working, which goes towards your state pension & other benefits

Open your own account, like a Post Oiice account

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

And he has no right to demand that "joint money" isn't spent in such a manner.

I wouldn’t even call OP husband behaviour red flags. 😂

He’s out and out controlling. He’s actually tell her no! No flags, just obvious words and behaviour.

Do you claim carers or any additional payments for the DC.
I couldn't put up with this.

OMG you poor thing. This is abuse.

What ‘joint money’? In the real world, outside MN’s obsession with ‘family money’, individuals earn it and then decide if and how to pool it. One does not, in law, lose one’s financial independence and access to one’s own earnings simply on account of being married. It’s only at the point of a Court order during divorce proceedings that individuals can be forced to transfer funds and assets to the other.

The OP should look to get a job and then divorce her DH if the situation is not to her liking.

If he makes the decisions about big purchases then he is not being reasonable about his income, he’s being a controlling prick.

He's preventing you from voting, too, since we now need ID.

In this family set up he is the one that wants her to be at home and therefore the concept of joint money should come into play hence my putting it into inverted commas. Either he wants her trapped at home in which case she should have access to money or he doesn't. In this case he wants her trapped at home and with no access to money hence its financial abuse and potentially she is being coercively controlled. Yes she should get out hence me asking for people to link to agencies to get her out of this abusive set up.

You're assuming she can. Some of us (mostly disabled people) can ONLY apply for a passport for ID thanks to various governments thinking that everyone over 17 can just apply for a provisional licence.

I wish the DVLA would be required to issue a licence like card with no driving entitlements for ID purposes only, so much cheaper than a passport!

Psychological/emotional abuse is every bit as bad as physical. In fact, it's often the psychological effects of physical abuse that linger after physical injuries have healed. There are many reasons why people can't work, and only very narrow minded people can't appreciate this.

Where in the OP does it say that her DH wanted her to stay at home?

It seems to be possibly he’s just increasingly cheesed off with being a beast of burden, having sole responsibility for carrying the family financially, whilst the OP looks for ways to blow money.

Not strictly true, you can get a voter ID certificate from your local council office with your name and photo on, and they're free. There's a reason it's for voting only!
Details on how to apply for one come with the polling card.

It's Coersive Control, he's committing a CRIMINAL offence.

Speak to a solicitor, report him to the police, take every penny you can get.

So all you got out of the Op was she wasn"t employed ?