My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

[BigSister1991]

When I was pregnant with my first child my Mum made it very clear she wouldn't be willing to help us with childcare one day a week. My Mum is single and lives alone, has been retired for 5 years and is in her early 60s. We both work full time and long hours and so our son attends nursery 5 full days a week. Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough and so we feel pressured to use our limited free time at weekends as a family to visit her or for her to visit us (it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way). When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times and just wants to enjoy adult social time. My view is that if she wants to see her grandson regularly, an easy way to do that would be to look after him in the week - it would relieve our work/parenting juggle and give us back more weekend time, whilst also giving her the regular relationship she wants (and I want her to have). Any advice welcome.

She would have to trek over to her mum’s if her mum was doing childcare, though. I really can’t understand how that was meant to pan out - was the OP/her DH going to do a 2 hour drive/3 hour round trip on public transport to get to her mum’s (and then go to work) - or was her mum expected to do that? I’m guessing the latter.

But I did miss “fit and able and want to”. Because you didn’t say that, did you? Because you don’t think GPs (specifically grandmothers) should have that choice, do you?

You missed the bit where i said they are within their rights to say no however in this case and many others have no reason to be disappointed and dissatisfied with how their relationships have ended up with their GPs.

Suit yourselves because thats what she's doing.

My DM weirdly did this but the other way round she insisted she wanted fixed days and i knew it would be a mess so found FT childcare, put my child in 5 days and listened to my mum complain about it.

I told her anytime she wanted to she could pick my dd up early or just take her out for a day...the CM was fine with it.
In 2.5yrs she has taken me up on it precisely ZERO times.

Tell her she can spend time with her grandchildren on an ad hoc half day or full day WHENEVER she wants mon-fri just let you know a few days in advance.
DO NOT give up your weekends regularly so she can pretend shes grandma of the year while ignoring your son.

My mum had the exact same situation with my Nanna. Her solution was to invite my Nana round for in essence afternoon tea on a Saturday. My mum would make a few lots of sandwiches, and a salad & my Nana would home bake a cake. She would turn up about three, we would eat between 430 and 530. Tidy up, and then naturally between six and 630 is bath and bedtime, so my Nana would leave. I think it was once a fortnight. Seemed to work pretty well for everyone. You could make it once a month.

Grandparents don't have to babysit or do any childcare if they don't want to.

However, they can't then complain that they don't see them enough or aren't prioritised. Times have changed. Both parents are usually working full time, juggling errands, after school clubs/activities, housework, dinner, bedtime, family time, hobbies and then seeing friends and wider family (as well as sets of grandparents/stepgrandparents). There isn't enough time to do it all.

I find I'm seeing my mum and mil roughly once every 6-8 weeks as they live an hour away. My dad however is closer and more proactive. He'll ask me when he can take dc out for the day and make an effort. We see him every 2 weeks roughly. Kids adore him.

On another note, I hope these absent grandparents aren't expecting their kids to bend over backwards when they need help in future. I've seen too many women running themselves ragged caring for elderly parents, parenting teenagers while going through menopause. All for parents who never lifted a finger to help when the grandkids were little (conveniently forgetting the childcare their own parents gave them). The village works both ways and you get what you put in

It sounds as though she doesn't want to look after him, she just wants to see him as part of a family meet up. I don't think it's weird that she doesn't change his nappy or give him a bath etc. when you're all together - I'm pretty sure no one ever did that for me either. Does she play with him, or read to him or whatever?
You shouldn't feel obliged to visit her every weekend though, after being at work all week. It is what it is - if she's not keen on doing childcare she has to accept less frequent visits, unless she comes to you when you're free.

This sounds like a perfect solution. She's not exactly elderly is she?

You said that after saying that GPs should offer childcare if they are fit and able, and that if they exercised their right not to they shouldn’t wonder if their relationship with their DC went tits up.

You know what you said and meant, I know what you said and meant. No point in carrying on with you if you’re going to keep rewriting that.

"Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough ..."

'Join the club Mum, with the hours I work I feel as if I never see him enough either. During the working week it's barely more than bath & bed, and then at the weekend so much travelling to see you. Something's got to give, and it really cannot be work <hard stare>. Why do you want to see him anyway, you don't really interact much with him when we visit, I'm always left with the impression you "just [want] to enjoy adult social time" '.

Harsh, I know @BigSister1991. But am I very wide of the mark?

As for the fact she's only started complaining recently - does she have friends boasting to her how often they see their grandchildren? Is there a competition going on, and she doesn't like to lose?

The question is about a grandmother and similar comments on MN are about grandmothers! I think grandmothers (and grandads to be equal!!) are rather selfish to not assist their daughters (or sons haha!!) with children. When they are capable of doing so. My mother would have been very disappointed if I’d have placed my DC in nursery and not sake her for help. And they have a lovely relationship due to the bonds they made.

She’s not your free babysitter. She’s your mum and your child’s grandmother. Once you fully appreciate the difference you may see the light.

An hour away is nothing but you need to set boundaries moving forward. We lived 2hrs approx from each set of grandparents and rotated them seeing them each once every 6 weeks. ( so we were seeing a set of grandparents every 3rd week ) We also rotated who came to who.

When they got older it was less due to sports training and matches but if parents could come to us that was all fine. ( one couldn’t unfortunately so they did miss out )

They don’t necessarily. But some grandparents WANT to as they don’t want to see babies going into nurseries/child minders. They want that really close relationship with a grandchild. I was cared for by grandparents and had a very close relationship with them which was lovely. Then my parents wanted to do it for my DC. Some families are very close. Some are not.

I don’t think it’s about being close it’s about what grandparents want to do with their retirement.

The issue nevertheless is not about what grandparents want to go it’s about expectations of parents

I'm a grandmother. My eldest DD has lovely toddler and live round the corner ...

BUT - i still have a primary aged child and an older one living at home and i work.

I don't have the time to be doing child care for my grandchild ... i barely have time to scratch at the moment!

Apparently this means my relationship with my GC is doomed then ?? 🙄

OP you can’t force it. This thread tells you how different people are and their approach to their family/children/grandchildren. It’s either natural or it isn’t. Luck of the draw.

If they live round the corner one assumes you’re regularly in each others houses and pop in. So regular contact. Clearly not doomed. Sounds a lovely set up.

Of course she doesn't have to provide support to her dd and dgc, but I think it's at least a bit unusual that she doesn't. It wouldn't have to be the regular childcare, but most families help out a bit when you're slogging through the baby and toddler years.

Ultimately, the op is in a phase of her life where she doesn't have a lot of time for a social life, and I'm not convinced she is obligated to spend her limited free time taking her dc to her retired dm. I imagine she's exhausted!

I'd probably try to stay bright and breezy, just reoffer that she's welcome to come and see you if she'd like more time with her dgc, but don't offer to do all the travelling. Then she gets to decide what to do.

That’s fine, everyone’s different. If they would rather do X in retirement. We all make our choices.

Why should she have to have the hassle of the travelling? And staying 2 nights (because that’s what it would be) and ending up doing 2-3 days’ childcare no doubt. And the OP is having a laugh that her mum could do childcare in her house while she’s working from home. That would be very disruptive for her work.

Re your last paragraph. This is what we did but tbh I found it was easier to visit the grandparents. I didn’t have to bother cooking and cleaning then. Just pop in the car, 2 hours later we are being fed and able to chill. ( although my MIL didn’t bother [ we had to take our own sandwiches 😳] But my mum always rolled out the treats for us )

This

Why should she have to have the hassle of the travelling?

Because she is the one complaining that she doesn’t see her grandson regularly enough and the OP doesn’t have the luxury of time to travel to her to facilitate that.

If she wants to see her grandson more often, she is going to have to put in the effort.

You’re missing the point which is OPs expectations of her mother. If you read back over the comment you responded to the pp was not talking about Grandparents they were talking about parental expectations as a completely separate issue.

I read it as less of an expectation, more of a solution.