My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

[BigSister1991]

When I was pregnant with my first child my Mum made it very clear she wouldn't be willing to help us with childcare one day a week. My Mum is single and lives alone, has been retired for 5 years and is in her early 60s. We both work full time and long hours and so our son attends nursery 5 full days a week. Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough and so we feel pressured to use our limited free time at weekends as a family to visit her or for her to visit us (it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way). When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times and just wants to enjoy adult social time. My view is that if she wants to see her grandson regularly, an easy way to do that would be to look after him in the week - it would relieve our work/parenting juggle and give us back more weekend time, whilst also giving her the regular relationship she wants (and I want her to have). Any advice welcome.

Would it work for you/ her/ your DH. If once a month, say the 2nd Wednesday, she collects your DC from nursery early. Takes him home for some one on one time together.

You then return from work and have dinner together. You could have something really easy that just needs to be heated up. Curry/ stew etc

You get on with your evening putting DS to bed/ whatever else you need and then hopefully get an hour to chat/ relax/ watch tv after.

My mam works full time and lives 3hrs away she calls up every 8ish weeks and stays 2 nights. ILs live really close by but are in their 70s MIL wanted to take DS one day a week but she got very sick. We had still had him booked into nursery and thought she could take/ leave that day as she wished. We do see them several times a week though

Genuinely curious as to whether it is possible to cultivate and have a good relationship with your grandchild(ren) if you do not wish to undertake at least some element of regular “childcare”.

How does that work?

Seeing her grandson and doing the parenting are two different things. Expecting her to change nappies, feed and look after your ds isn’t the same as seeing him.

I think YABU to expect her to look after him, free childcare isn’t a right from a GP.

I do however think she needs to make an effort to travel to see you as well. But you can’t expect her to travel to you to prove childcare and not offer the same.

Your whole post smacks of double standards.

It happened with me and my grandparents.

My granddad had had multiple strokes before I was born. They were pretty much housebound and couldn’t take us out etc., my nan probably babysat me 3 times in my entire life because she had to be at home with my granddad. I adored her. My mum would take us up to hers multiple times a week, at least once at the weekend (3-4 visits per week). When I was 13/14 and didn’t need “childcare” as such, after my granddad had died, I would go up to her house most nights after school. When I got to sixth form and finished early, I would go to her house. When I was at uni I would go to hers and study with her.

my favourite memories with her are when I’d be in the middle of exam season etc and she’d sit stroking my hair in her chair, while I was curled up on her sofa, and I’d end up having a nap. When she was diagnosed with cancer I’d go and sit at her house and study while she just slept. She was never once obligated to perform “childcare” - because my mum looked after me.

There was a recent, very similar post from someone whose mum didn't want to provide any child care but realised that her friend who did look after their grand-child one day a week had a much closer relationship with their grandchild. She was pressuring OP to let her have the baby at weekends or to spend a day every weekend together which OP didn't want to do.

You are not being unreasonable at all and your mum wants everything her way. It's really odd that when you go and visit her she doesn't actually bother with your child.

I've just realised that you have another thread about your sister's child-free wedding where you say:

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Honestly, she sounds like a pretty crappy grandparent. Stop pandering to her and spend your weekends at home.

I look after my GC one day a week and find it really helps our relationship. I know more about their everyday life this way and feel a much closer member of their family.

Just make it clear to her if she wants to see him then she needs to come and see him. She needs to be up for arranging times that are convenient for you both. Come and stay the night and take grandson to the park for example the next day and then have an evening meal together with everyone. She should have offered to do the childcare because that’s where key lifelong bonds are created but that’s her loss.

She’s retired.

@Vivi0 I would say it is. But probably more effort is needed on the GPs behalf if they live far away. My mum lives nearly a 3hr drive away. She comes to see me every 8ish weeks. She comes for a visit, not to do childcare. Although she did mind DS 1, once when we went to a wedding. I would go down to visit her but 1-2 times per year. So without her driving up she would not see them as much.

My ILs live very close by. We see them usually a few times a week for short visits. Both times after having my babies I visited for company but I did the childcare. They have had each DS alone for approx 1 hour when I've had appointments with the other.

That doesn’t stop her having a life?

Can’t you invite her over for tea once a week? Mid-week, one of the days you WFH.

My mum doesn’t provide any childcare but I take my two to see her every Sunday (50 minutes each way) and she makes lunch for us. She’s never changed a nappy or fed them but I don’t expect her to, it’s not her job. Her role is to play, snuggle, spoil 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn’t impede on family time because she is my family!

Sounds like your mum had a lot of free time to spend at your grandparent’s house, though.

I don’t think that is realistic for most people.

My husband and I both work full time, my children have afterschool clubs, homework every night, dinner/bathtime reading before bed etc. I even feel rushed for time to get through all of that nightly - I wouldn’t be able to fit in multiple visits at my parents’ house too.

And weekends aren’t much better. I also have housework etc. I personally don’t have that kind of time to spend sitting around my parents’ house. I don’t even really get the chance to sit around in my own house. As much as I would like to.

You may not have noticed, but that is still her doing childcare. I get it. You want more weekend time for yourselves and that's fine. Don't visit as often. Make it clear that if she wants to visit she will be welcome and can spend time with her family. But childcare is a different thing and one isn't contingent on the other.

Just ignore her demands. See her when you want to. I wouldn’t be giving up precious time at the weekend with my child to keep a GP happy.

It’s a baby/toddler. If she wants to just ‘see’ him she can do that on FaceTime for a few minutes. Primary bonds are created to care and nurture. If she can’t be bothered to change the odd nappy or do a feed. Rock him or get on the floor and do some fun play then she may as well not bother at all.

Just ask her. Baffles me how these Grans expect to have a good relationship with grandchildren when they won’t make the effort with a bit of child care. You get out what you put in. Not like she doesn’t have the time.

She worked in the family business, but she would choose to work late at night.

Expecting your child’s grandparents to do childcare or never see their grandchildren is just disgusting and I’ll never move from that viewpoint.

What an odd question.

I have lovely memories of all 4 of my grandparents, plus my great grandmother, who we used to visit and spend time with, but none of who ever looked after us.

None of my parents or in-laws provided childcare for us either. We paid for a childminder. Not sure why you would expect a Grandparent to work a physically demanding job of looking after a baby / toddler / or even some dc.

I think, if you happen to live locally, it is pretty normal to offer to babysit the odd evening or to take them off to the park for an hour, but regular childcare is not 'expected' of most Grandparents I know. I know lots of Grandparents who enjoy spending time with Grandchild alongside the parents.

Some choose to commit to a day a week's childcare, or help out when their dc go off to a wedding, or even to an appointment, but there should be no expectation.

Are all your relationships this transactional? And what about Grandad’s? No childcare expected of them but they’ll have a good relationship with the grandkids anyway?

My mum has a very good relationship with my children and lives over 600 miles away!
She visits regularly of every 6 weeks (we visit twice a year). When she visits she plays with them, interacts, cuddles, does crafts and bakes. She comes along for school run or nursery drop off. Treats them to an ice cream etc.
She also video calls them twice a week and has done since they were babies so they are used to seeing her face. They tell her about what they have been up to and vice versa (yes when younger less so but they would be happy smiling at the screen).
She has baby sat on occasions when visiting but it's for us to go out for dinner so we put the children to bed etc. We never expect it and it's a nice treat.

My MIL has the opposite relationship with them but she makes zero effort with them and doesn't even send a birthday card.

Why can’t she just visit for the day? I am her age and frequently travel 2 hours each way on trains see my adult DC for the day.

Does she have disabilities?

3/4 visits a week must have taken up a huge amount of your mums time. I'm sure it was lovely but you must be able to appreciate that something like that simply isn't possible for most people.

Seems like blackmail. Give me childcare or don't see the grandchildren. When did this become normal?
When I was pregnant my mother offered to look after the baby but I didn't want her to have that permanent obligation, I much preferred her to have him occasionally just for fun or if needed to help out.
As it turned out it was the right decision because he was ill a lot and if he was too ill for nursery but not so ill that I needed to be there my mum stepped in. She also had him every few weeks overnight so plenty of bonding there without someone in her 60s having to do full on child minding.
However I do agree that she should be the one to visit you more than the other way round.

This.

Although the OP is also within reason to set boundaries. Family time is precious.

I am not sure how often you are seeing your mum at the moment @BigSister1991 and what this looks like (does it take your whole weekend? Is it once a month?) but you are free to make decisions to make your life easier.

You can't hold your mum to ransom though.

My mum didn’t see it like that because it was time with her mother. How sad that we now see precious family time as a burden rather than a blessing.