My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

[BigSister1991]

When I was pregnant with my first child my Mum made it very clear she wouldn't be willing to help us with childcare one day a week. My Mum is single and lives alone, has been retired for 5 years and is in her early 60s. We both work full time and long hours and so our son attends nursery 5 full days a week. Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough and so we feel pressured to use our limited free time at weekends as a family to visit her or for her to visit us (it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way). When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times and just wants to enjoy adult social time. My view is that if she wants to see her grandson regularly, an easy way to do that would be to look after him in the week - it would relieve our work/parenting juggle and give us back more weekend time, whilst also giving her the regular relationship she wants (and I want her to have). Any advice welcome.

I didn’t want to do regular childcare every week but am more than happy to help out in the holidays when nursery’s/schools shut. Maybe your mum could do the same.

We obviously weren’t newborns - that’s a different period. But your child is still your child and yours to care for even if they’re in the presence of their grandparent!

If you want a good relationship with someone, you actually need to put some work into it.

@Vivi0 apparently this is revolutionary 😆

We have never had any offer of childcare and as such, time with GP in law is led by us, they never offer to come round here (5 mins away) or do anything that is not us visiting their living room. I think they expect (rightly) that we are busy.

My mum initially offered weekly childcare but lives a similar distance (60mins) and cannot drive. It was not a sincere offer as she is not remotely confident caring for a baby. She now feels v sorry for herself that she does not see her grandchild as much as she would like, but we also have no spare room so every visit is half a day minimum and as such occurs monthly ish. I'm envious of friends with involved grandparents who do or don't provide childcare but mainly who come round and are actively involved, cultivate a bond, take them to the park for an hour so parents can get things done.

My dad visits on my 1 day off a week. He has never expressed an interest in providing childcare during this time and always expects to come to us to make contact easier especially as he is in a small flat. On weekends he may occasionally arrange to join our family activities. He is probably the closest of them all to my child simply because he doesn't have to rely on us finding free weekend time to come to him, he is proactive. When you work full time it's very difficult to juggle it all.

But your child is still your child and yours to care for even if they’re in the presence of their grandparent!

The bit you are struggling to comprehend is that some gps want to feed, burp, rock their gc to sleep, read them a story, etc. This doesn't mean the parent has absolved themselves of care 🙄

And?

Wanting to do it - which OP’s mother doesn’t want to, is very different to being expected to!

But she isn't being expected to! She's simply being told that it is the solution to the time constraints!

"The deal"?

Unless she has offered explicitly that she would love to spend two nights a week at your house providing free child care, then it's not on the table as an option.

Wanting to do it - which OP’s mother doesn’t want to, is very different to being expected to!

I never claimed otherwise. You are the one saying gp help means parents are not caring for their dc. It's a stupid thing to say.

No, I’m not. I’m saying that it’s the expectation of this that is entitled.

I’m not sure why it’s a problem that when you’re all spending time together she doesn’t do nappy changes, feeding/bath times? I don’t expect any family/friends to do any of those things when we spend time together, it’s more interacting/playing etc than what I would say are the basics of looking after a child?

OP has said “the deal” would be that her mother would be expected to spend 1 or 2 nights at her home.

I didn't read it as an "expectation". Rather a suggestion as to how granny could spend more time with grandchild. OP is clearly not "expecting" it because it isn't happening and doesn't look likely that it would ever happen... I get the impression that mum doesn't drive so getting there and back is difficult, thus spending the night.
It is very difficult to handle people who demand increasing amounts of your time but offer no concessions. I feel for OP. Working parents can only juggle so much.

My dad was at work

She worked in the family business, but she would choose to work late at night.

When I was 13/14 and didn’t need “childcare” as such, after my granddad had died, I would go up to her house most nights after schoo

Family time should be the top priority though,

When did you prioritise time with your immediate family?

I could have written this about my mum and MIL. Around the age of 2, I stopped keeping Saturdays and Sundays for grandparent visits and started doing stuff for us or with friends with kids. My MIL has also been reminded recently that the reason she doesn’t see them more often is on her because she won’t come in the week and she didn’t want to commit to weekly childcare. I’ve also had to remind her that my eldest is approaching starting school and is therefore going to be there 5 days a week and her weekends also have hobbies and parties and she will have to fit in around those. She got a bit shitty.

but then I suggested she come pick up my daughter from school and take her to a hobby on a weekday afternoon and it was ‘too much of a commitment’. Her expectation is for us to go to their house for one weekend day every week (so long as she doesn’t have a better offer). While we are there we still do everything for the kids, and she recently refused to keep any baby equipment at their house so it would be easier for us to visit.

my mum complains she doesn’t see us but it’s because she wants her days off for her and only concedes to seeing us on Sundays. Which I can’t do each week.

I feel conflicted because it’s their choice to say no to weekly childcare but they can’t get hurt when we can’t see them regularly.

I agree that grandma should be making her way to their house for visits, in this case at least, but not to take over parenting tasks.

Like a PP above said, it’s supposed to be a nice family visit. My grandparents were definitely guests. My parents fed and watered them while us kids competed for their attention. They might bring us a little gift or a pound coin (“Don’t spend it all at once!”)

I’ve just had a thought - no iPads and YouTube in those days. We were happy to interact in silly ways with adults because there was nothing around that would give us more dopamine than their attention. Maybe it’s a lot harder to get your grandchildren’s attention these days unless you’re literally doing these care-taking jobs?

No, I’m not. I’m saying that it’s the expectation of this that is entitled.

So when my friend was sipping her tea & I offered to change her babies nappy that was not entitled but if she sat there hoping & praying in her mind that I would offer that is entitled?

No but If she was angry that you didn’t do it, that would be entitled. Most people would think fair enough, not her job!

Gps do not have to provide regular childcare, many are not physically capable & many are still working. However relationships need effort and unless effort is made it's very hard to foster said relationship.

My dc are currently staying at one of their gps, they've have probably eaten too many sweets and watched too much TV. They love time with their gps, just like I did.

She could pick him up early from nursery occasionally instead of offering regular childcare?

No but If she was angry that you didn’t do it, that would be entitled. Most people would think fair enough, not her job!

So it's only entitled if someone gets angry?

You cannot conflate the two points.

Your mum doesn't want to childmind. That is not unreasonable, my mum didn't want to either unless it was in her home which was just not practical with commuting times so it didn't happen and I never had an issue with that. Asking someone to commit to travelling and living in your house 1-2 fixed days a week is a big ask.

Your mum, says she wants a relationship with your dc. Grandparent relationships are special so I went out of my way to support that between my dc and my parents and I am glad I did, my dc learnt a lot from my parents and they were incredibly close. Working FT your own nuclear family time is precious, but time together with your dc's extended family is just as precious too.

She isn’t obliged to do childcare.. my mum has never and is the exact same position as your mother but I make the effort to see her now an then but expect her to also come to me or meet somewhere.

…

Okay, I think that’s enough internet for me today.