My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

[BigSister1991]

When I was pregnant with my first child my Mum made it very clear she wouldn't be willing to help us with childcare one day a week. My Mum is single and lives alone, has been retired for 5 years and is in her early 60s. We both work full time and long hours and so our son attends nursery 5 full days a week. Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough and so we feel pressured to use our limited free time at weekends as a family to visit her or for her to visit us (it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way). When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times and just wants to enjoy adult social time. My view is that if she wants to see her grandson regularly, an easy way to do that would be to look after him in the week - it would relieve our work/parenting juggle and give us back more weekend time, whilst also giving her the regular relationship she wants (and I want her to have). Any advice welcome.

I’d scale back the visits to something that is manageable for you and your family. Your mum is not unreasonable to not want to commit to childcare but if she does want a relationship with your Dc then she also has to be realistic about your circumstances and time constraints.

but this post isn’t about you. It’s about OP saying her mother’s only options are to look after the child or not see them at all.

I think you're being unreasonable here.

Children are children. They need to be looked after. Either you're the one looking after them or someone else is. If it's someone else, then you're going to see them less because meet-ups will only happen when it's convenient for whoever is providing childcare.

Parents get tired, especially if working full-time. They need down-time and rest. They can't always be trekking over to mind their kids in someone else's house.

This isn’t about emotional blackmail though.

At the moment (I’m child free) I manage to see my parents once every 6 weeks or so, and sometimes it goes months. Me and DH have a full on job, try to plan a day together at least once a week and succeed most weeks (incredibly rare we get to spend two full days together). Evenings are filled with various admin tasks, commuting and appointments most weeks, this week we have one clear evening after medical appointments/vets appointments/dog related activities.

If I added a baby into the mix, I very much expect I’ll have less spare time than I do now. If I can only manage a six weekly visit with my mum now, then I don’t expect I’ll suddenly have a day a week I can see her once I have a baby. So if she wants more time than that, then the literal only option would be childcare. I’d want her to have a relationship with my baby, I’d facilitate it as much as possible, but in reality that’s no more than a few hours visit once a month.

But it is the same issue as OPs. She isn't demanding childcare, she isn't even asking. If there are no more spare hours for visits, childcare is the only viable way to spend more time with the DC. It really does just come down to hours in a day. Perhaps you gladly dedicate every waking moment to your parents, but that isn't normal and shouldn't be an expectation.

I think it's really hard to build a bond with a gc if you don't see them by themselves tbh. It doesn't haven't to be regular childcare but I do think regular contact without parents.

OP and her DH work full time and their child is in nursery five days a week. They would like to spend time at home with their child at weekends, having not seen him all week, but instead have to drive to OP's mum's house every weekend. OP's mum makes no effort at all with her grandchild during the visit. It's OP's mum that sounds selfish and entitled, not OP.

Wowsers. Well, my dad was dead, my mum was in her 70s, lived an hour and a half away and was doing childcare for my niece which was enough for her, my MIL lived too far away and FIL was away with the fairies (and eventually diagnosed with dementia).

So, fuck ‘em, I guess.

(Editing to add this - it never once occurred to me or DH that we shouldn’t facilitate DD having a relationship with her GPs. Of course, that’s a two-way street with taking it in turns to visit. But not once did I think, ach well, they’re not doing child care so sod ‘em.)

She’s said she won’t take her child to visit her mother because she won’t do a bath or a nappy!

No. She hasn't said she "wont" take her child to visit. Her mum is complaining that they don't visit often enough. Very different statements.

Your child your responsibility. Relationship with mum is another issue.

Pray how does one spend time with another WITHOUT giving up some of their time? You’re being ridiculous and angry for no reason.

That’s not what she said at all but then you know that.

I wouldn’t want someone looking after my child who was doing it reluctantly. She doesn’t sound very child oriented. My MIL was like that and I would only have asked her in an emergency.

My mum didn’t see it like that because it was time with her mother. How sad that we now see precious family time as a burden rather than a blessing.

The majority of people don't have that time free, did you miss time with your dad when you were at your grans 3/4 x a week? Did you miss out on extracurriculars? What about your dad's parents?

I understand why you resent her for this but it’s her decision not to help out on a regular basis.

But I wouldn’t feel guilt tripped into how regularly you visit her.

If she’s a good mother and grandmother then you have to put that resentment aside for the future of your relationship with her. In the great scheme of things, would it be worth any kind of tension or falling out with her?

You missed the bit where it states ‘fit and able to’.

My dad’s parents died before I was born. My dad was at work. Extra curriculars were completed on days not at my nan’s. You don’t need to be doing them every day.

I agree with this.

I ask my parents to have my children overnight maybe once every couple of months. So that my husband and I can do something together. I consider that to be childcare.

My parents ask to see my children once a week. To take them out, or to spend time at their home. They give them dinner and a bath. I don’t consider that to be childcare, although many of this thread would. I’m not asking them to take my children, I don’t need them to. My parents actually want to spend time with them and enjoy it.

Realistically, if you want to have a bond and relationship with your grandchildren, you are going to have to be prepared to actually look after them on occassion, without the parents present, because most parents don’t have the time to sit in someone else’s house for hours on a weekly basis.

If you want a good relationship with someone, you actually need to put some work into it.

Why on earth do people think that their parents should provide childcare when they retire!?! Your child, you sort childcare.
She should travel to you but you should be willing to see your own mother occasionally/want her to have a relationship with your dc without an obligation or expectation of regular childcare.

@RainSoakedNights and all that time at your grans every single week she didn't ever feed you, change a nappy, comfort you, give you a bath?

She would sometimes provide dinner - but not very often and usually when she’d ordered meals on wheels that she didn’t like. In terms of changing nappies etc., of course not! My mum was there to look after us - we are her children. Not my grandmother’s

Why on earth do people think that their parents should provide childcare when they retire!?!

For some people it's normal though. My gps & DHs gps did childcare so we grew up assuming parents would be involved. They are involved.

Entitlement, plain and simple

In terms of changing nappies etc., of course not! My mum was there to look after us - we are her children. Not my grandmother’s

I think this is bizarre, my cousin visited yesterday with her newborn. I changed the babies nappy because my friend had just sat down for a tea & was exhausted. The baby didn't become my dc post nappy change!