My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

[BigSister1991]

When I was pregnant with my first child my Mum made it very clear she wouldn't be willing to help us with childcare one day a week. My Mum is single and lives alone, has been retired for 5 years and is in her early 60s. We both work full time and long hours and so our son attends nursery 5 full days a week. Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough and so we feel pressured to use our limited free time at weekends as a family to visit her or for her to visit us (it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way). When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times and just wants to enjoy adult social time. My view is that if she wants to see her grandson regularly, an easy way to do that would be to look after him in the week - it would relieve our work/parenting juggle and give us back more weekend time, whilst also giving her the regular relationship she wants (and I want her to have). Any advice welcome.

I don’t think sitting with a child in the bath whilst their parents are around is childcare. It’s normal interaction. I’d do it with my friends kids, walk to the shop with them to buy something for 5 minutes.

It doesn’t sound like she wants to have normal interactions with DS, which is all you can have with small children to build a relationship.
My friends mum was very unwell when her DD was small so they read a book together once a week.

There have been a lot of these sorts of posts lately, and they've made me think.
Times have changed, and with most parents working full time, it's very different to when my children were young and we could just pop in to see grandparent during the week.

I used to work evenings, weekends, and occasionally I did extra hours if there was a need, and if my mum could have them.

My mum did and still does have a better relationship with my now adult children, because the other grandparents never looked after them (not even once) despite being asked occasionally. We are local to my inlaws and would visit on some Sundays (not every week much to their obvious disgust)

It's hard now when the only time to see friends/family is at the weekend.

We do some care for our GC, and we see them with their parents too, but it's not all the time because everyone is leading such busy lives. We have a GC here today in fact, but I have mostly left Grandad in charge as i have work (wfh) to do.

My god I’m shocked at some of these responses! Why should a GP have to provide childcare in order to have a good relationship with their GC? They presumably looked after you and brought you up, they’ve done their bit! If they want to, then of course, but if not, why not let them enjoy their role of GP? It’s beneficial for your kids for them to form a loving relationship with their GP.

I would never ever make my mums contact with my children dependent on whether she’s prepared to care for them or not. I can’t believe some people think that way!

It's not about how people see things. It's about hours in the day. Between work, school, housework, kids friends and activities, other social obligations 3/4 visits a week plus travel time is just impossible for most.

You say transactional I say care. It’s all care and nurture which works both ways. GPs should offer childcare (childcare comes in a number of ways not always nursery substitute) if they are fit and able to because responsibility towards your child doesn’t expire at 18 however GPs are well within their right to decline childcare but then should not wonder what the hell happened when they’re sat alone in a care home living out the rest of their days in isolation.

It is well known bonds are created in the first few years of a child’s life so it’s not like OP is expecting her to adopt the grandchild but to put some effort and quality time in in the beginning. Childhood is a very, very brief period.

Childcare is optional if she doesn’t want to that her choice. My ils are a similar distance and we see them about twice a month combination of us visiting/them visiting.
other weekends we relax or go out as a family.
we also ask ils to babysit occasionally so we can go out.
if they complained about not seeing is enough I would say we don’t have any more free time, if you want to see him more it needs to be childcare.

Family time should be the top priority though, and I’m sorry but OP makes it clear she only wants her mum to see her grandchildren if she’ll do childcare.

It's absolutely fair that she doesn't want to help with childcare.

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Can you not make a visit at the weekend part of your family time planning? Your mam wants to see you as well as her grandchild, her love for you doesn't transfer to the GC, she still wants your time. I've 3 kids, we both work full time and have no help, we still get the kids to their grandparents or meet in a park for a walk every 2nd weekend at least. I love seeing them and I love seeing their relationship with my kids.

Yes because seeing your grandchild once a week or changing the odd nappy means you’re basically a teenage mum.

Family time doesn't mean all free time directed towards one person. You don't seem to have a realistic grasp of the time pressures working families are under.
Of course granny doesn't have to provide childcare, but she does need to be more realistic about how much time OP can dedicate to visiting her.

So how often is she hoping to see you all OP?

Every weekend = too much when you and partner are working full time.

Msybe you could go to hers once a month and she could come to you at one other time per month which suits everyone.

WRT expecting her to change nappies on visits - i find that odd. Who likes changing nappies ?!? Neither of my nans bathed me or got anywhere near my bum as a baby and it didn't have any baring on the next 20 years of our relationship as gran and grand child.

Doing the grunt work with babies doesn't 'build relationships' - a board game or trip to the park is better i recon .

my daughter , many years ago , lived next door to me in Canada. Her two children were often in my house but it was not a given. I owned a restaurant and was busy with my (at that point, pre covid) 18 full time employees and 12 part timers. I still worked alot of hours around her shifts, but is was not a given. I did alot of school runs on my way to restaurant, and the kids ran in and out all the time. I had a small STOP sign. If needed just to keep them out, sign was put in my garden by the steps to front door. You are owed no babysitting and you should think yourself lucky and be grateful for any care you get. My grands are older now, but if my daughter ever was so rude to say, no babysitting, no time with kids, I would have knocked her down a few pegs. Luckily my daughter has always been so grateful to the fact that I was available (on my time) and my teen monsters love me.

I can’t continue this conversation, I’ve seen my parents be victims to these attitudes and it destroys them.

A little incongruous with your subsequent "Family time should be the top priority though"...

I wasn't sure where to land on the AIBU vote.

You are YANBU to ask your Mum to come over to see DS more often and pick up her share of the travel.

YABU to tie this to childcare.

The two are very different issues. We had no active GP support for our kids, but we still managed to maintain a good relationship with them.

This. My friends parents live in Aus and their grand babies are super attached to them because the GPs have a similar set up with regular visits and during the visits they actually do a lot. In contrast to the other GPs who live in the same city but don’t really put any effort in and wonder why they are referred to as the ‘other grandparents’.

I don’t think it is an odd question.

I really can’t understand how grandparents are building good bonds and relationships with their grandchildren if they aren’t providing some element of regular “childcare”.

And by childcare, I don’t mean being a substitute for nursery. Or picking them up from school every day until parents finish work. Or even looking after a baby.

I mean sitting with them while they are in the bath. Taking them to the park one Sunday. Cooking dinner for them once a month. That kind of thing. Actually wanting to spend time with and enjoying that time with their grandchildren.

It’s not bargaining - it’s simple maths.

Some children have four separate grandparents. If you add up 5 days in childcare/full time work, then seeing each grandparent once a month, that’s one day a week of core family time. Add into that kids parties and seeing adult friends, maybe one each a month that’s two days of family down time a month. Less if you want to see other family members too.

Small children can’t form meaningful bonds by seeing someone just a few hours each month. The only things that can possibly give here is time with other grandparent (but even at best that might get you to two days a month), family time (which is now at a premium at 2 days a month and is already bordering on an unhealthy family unit dynamic) or grandparents giving childcare.

Family time. Not free childcare.

Well yeah but then we circle back to hours in the day. Can't have everything unfortunately. Want more time with grandkids, only option is to be more hands on. Parents don't have endless spare time for visits.

As I’ve said to other posters, I can’t continue this conversation. I’ve watched my parents fall victim to this. The idea that the only way they “deserve” to see their grandchildren is if they give up their time to look after them and the selfishness makes me unspeakably angry.

I think it's really disingenuous of you to pretend that the only solution is for her to do childcare - and really cheeky of her to expect you all to travel to her.

In her early sixties she could easily travel to you if she wants to see either you or her DGC.

It isn't about "deserving" anything. But if I only have 30 hours a week spare I'm not going to spend 20 of them with my mum. And she shouldn't expect me to. I can only assume you have never been a parent, let alone a working one, if you can't grasp this.