My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

[BigSister1991]

When I was pregnant with my first child my Mum made it very clear she wouldn't be willing to help us with childcare one day a week. My Mum is single and lives alone, has been retired for 5 years and is in her early 60s. We both work full time and long hours and so our son attends nursery 5 full days a week. Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough and so we feel pressured to use our limited free time at weekends as a family to visit her or for her to visit us (it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way). When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times and just wants to enjoy adult social time. My view is that if she wants to see her grandson regularly, an easy way to do that would be to look after him in the week - it would relieve our work/parenting juggle and give us back more weekend time, whilst also giving her the regular relationship she wants (and I want her to have). Any advice welcome.

Don't you see what a huge commitment chunk out of her week that would be? Every week

No way would I stay out of my own home for 1 or 2 nights a week....

She doesn't have to do childcare, you don't have to visit her if you don't want to. Separate issues.
My parents would like to see us more, but we can't always set aside a weekend when it suits them. Just the way it goes.

There’s a difference between childcare and seeing her grandson. She wants to SEE him. Not look after him and be responsible for him all day.

Regular childcare is a big enough commitment but building in being away from home every week overnight would be too much for everyone in my family.

What you’re suggesting would work best for you, but wouldn’t be a lot of single grandparents’ cup of tea.

Grand parents are grand parents not stand in childminders. Yabu.

I’m not sure why you would expect your mum to change your baby’s nappy etc while you’re visiting her. That’s childcare stuff and you’re there to do that. I visited my mum once a week or so when DD was a baby (but I wasn’t working, so less time-pressured), 90 mins door-to-door on public transport and I didn’t expect her to do anything like that.

My mum also wasn’t up for doing any childcare (she looked after my niece one day a week and that was her maximum).

Obviously the answer here is that your mum comes to visit you more, as she is less time pressured. But you need to get it out of your head that she’s obliged to do childcare and that as she hasn’t she should have less of a relationship with your child. Because that niggle is clearly still with you.

Of course she isn’t obligated to provide childcare. But she can’t have it both ways. Relationships are reciprocal and it sounds like she wants everything her own way.

Are you the same OP with the no children at the Wedding thread? I am puzzled by your Mum’s approach on both issues to be honest. Could she not visit you once a fortnight if weekly is too much? Can understand she may not want to commit to childcare every week - but if she’d like to see her GC the. She needs to appreciate how stretched you are and try to fit in.
Obviously if they were allowed to attend the wedding, she could see them then!!

When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times

This sounds very transactional. Maybe she just doesn't like babies or small DC. She's done her bit in having DC and raising them. Why should she go back to changing nappies??

When she moans I would point out that you are both working full time and that the weekends are the only time you have to spend as a family so she may not see the child as much as she likes as family time is also important

i would point out her lack of interest when she does come

Perhaps invite her to days out every so often instead?

So grandparents now have to provide free childcare in order to see their grandchildren?

Of course not, 3but neither can they expect to see them every weekend when both partners are working and it’s the only chance they get to do stuff as a family, or clean, garden etc etc

I think it’s a pretty fair expectation! I’ve watched my parents be grandparents and the way they’re treated is shocking. It’s clear a lot of parents see their own parents as free childcare and that’s it!

GPs can have a very good relationship with GCs without being regular childcare. It's about showing interest, interacting with them and spending time with them. That doesn't have to be childcare and doesn't have to be solo or even changing nappies.

I think the reality here is that your lives are just too busy to facilitate contact in the way that your mother would like, and everything else is just window-dressing.

Personally I'd scale visiting her right back to once a month. Given you both work full-time and need time for R&R and to spend together as a family, travelling to her once a month is reasonable.

Then she can choose to travel to you for a visit once a month as well, so you see each other once a fortnight, alternating between her house and yours.

YABU to expect her to stay over in your home to provide childcare and SIBU to expect you to be always giving up your other plans to visit her. She's just not going to have the relationship she wants with her DGC in the present circumstances, and unfortunately she's going to have to accept that.

Being your nanny shouldn’t be the price of admission to see your child and grandchild. Nor should she need to take care of her grandchild when visiting with you on the weekend. Why does she need to do nappy changes or baths? She isn’t the parent. She is a grandparent and it’s perfectly fine if she just wants to do the fun parts.

Decide what frequency of visits works for you. Maybe have her over once a month. Then just stick to it the best you can.

it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way

How would it have worked then if she did offer to look after your child one day a week?

Its a shame a lot are like this now. We have the same problem. My mum was 60 when my son was born and is local. She's never wanted to look after my son. She collects him from school just brings him back to us, 1 or 2 days a week and will complain about that but we have no choice as I work nights and my partner works long shifts. I wish I didn't need her to do it at all as she keeps reminding me she's 68 now and its a big inconvenience for a retired woman like herself. She forgets her mum used to have me and my sister every weekend staying there from Friday night to Monday morning when we were kids.

The problem for her is this will get worse the older DS gets as your Saturdays get sucked up with activities and parties etc.

I actually understand that she doesn’t want to do a full days care, not everyone is up for it. I’ve seen GP who were unsuitable for it pushed into doing it.
Would she say pick him up early once a week, like 3pm and bring him home, or is that still too much for her, because she will need to meet you half way. She could stay over, travel back the next day at leisure. Drop him at nursery. Not full care but taking the need for you to rush off you.

My MIL spent a lot of time complaining she didn’t see DD. She wasn’t interested in her in the slightest, she wanted DH to go see her. So we would make the 4 hour trip to visit for her to ignore DD and ask me every 5 minutes when she was going for a nap. I used to push DH to go on his own which was easy once DD started swimming etc.

Childcare isn't a grandparent's responsibility. It's nice if it's offered but you have kids for you, not for their grandparents.

Also, if a 60 min drive, 90 public transport journey, you live too far away for her to be childcare. You can't say the journey is too far for you to visit her but then assume it's OK for her to do it to be your childcare.

It's fair enough that you don't see her more often though. Once a month is reasonable since you both work full-time. Explain that to her.

Isn’t this a bit like wanting things both ways though. She can’t complain she has no relationship with him, but then not actually do anything to build that relationship when she does see him? How better to build a good relationship with your grandson than giving him a bath?

OP is completely unreasonable to expect grandma to do regular childcare, but equally, grandma is unreasonable to expect regular visits from a working family, especially if she isn’t going to do much interaction with the baby when they do visit.

She doesn't have to give childcare.

When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times

This statement struck me - why should your mother 'look after' your son? She's coming on a family visit and shouldn't have to 'earn her keep', so to speak.