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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving DH behind and going on a 8 week holiday

266 replies

tarryawhile2025 · 21/07/2025 14:21

We have visited family overseas for summer for the past 15 years, for 2-4 weeks. This time DH can't come as he has just found job after many months of unemployment. I left buying tickets due to this and now the most affordable tickets are those that will see us overseas for 8 weeks. DH kicking up a big fuss saying let's all go for local weekend breaks instead of the children and me going overseas. The twins are just after ALs after working really hard and would love to have time with extended family spoiling them. So would I. AIBU if I just take off with the children?

OP posts:
Renoonabudget · 21/07/2025 16:58

How much more are the tickets to go 2 or 4 weeks? Surely you can compromise, I bet DH wants to spend time with his kids before they head to uni too. If you were my husband I'd be devastated if my family disappeared for 2 months and I didn't get to spend the last summer with my kids before uni. Xx

ClairDeLaLune · 21/07/2025 17:03

tarryawhile2025 · 21/07/2025 15:39

Thanks for all the comments. DH has had no qualms setting off overseas by himself when needed - albeit for work. I see it more as him being a bit of a dog in the manger. Not worth traveling that far if it was for anything less than 3 weeks. The twins off to distant universities in October, for courses that are 6 years long. I see this as a short window of opportunity- a breather for me after what has been very hard work over the past 6 years in my own workplace. And honestly, I don't see the twins too eager about having local weekend breaks over summer with parents. They are 18 not 8.

Going abroad for work is completely different from the 3 of you swanning off on holiday without him for 8 weeks! Surely you can see that! Are you so desperate to justify this to yourself that you’re coming up with really tenuous justifications??

Could there not be some compromise where you go and visit the family for a shorter time and also do some short trips in this country? Or even abroad but closer by than the big trip?

Livpool · 21/07/2025 17:03

8 weeks is far too long. And he will spend no time with his children before they start university?! I’d be unimpressed if my DH suggested this

Bluebellwood129 · 21/07/2025 17:03

tarryawhile2025 · 21/07/2025 15:39

Thanks for all the comments. DH has had no qualms setting off overseas by himself when needed - albeit for work. I see it more as him being a bit of a dog in the manger. Not worth traveling that far if it was for anything less than 3 weeks. The twins off to distant universities in October, for courses that are 6 years long. I see this as a short window of opportunity- a breather for me after what has been very hard work over the past 6 years in my own workplace. And honestly, I don't see the twins too eager about having local weekend breaks over summer with parents. They are 18 not 8.

If I was one of your DCs, I'd have been keen to head off and travel before starting a long course at university. An 8-week holiday with family sounds extremely dull compared with what the world has to offer.

party4you · 21/07/2025 17:04

Murdoch1949 · 21/07/2025 15:55

This will probably be the last holiday you have with your twins. After 18 they become less enamored of family hols. Go and enjoy the time with your family. Husband will survive.

Cruel he is missing out on it.

SoMuchBadAdvice · 21/07/2025 17:06

Does he qualify for holiday, or if not can he swing compassionate leave of a few unpaid days off? Then you could splash out on him coming out for a week (or whatever works) in the middle of your 8 weeks?

outerspacepotato · 21/07/2025 17:10

SoMuchBadAdvice · 21/07/2025 17:06

Does he qualify for holiday, or if not can he swing compassionate leave of a few unpaid days off? Then you could splash out on him coming out for a week (or whatever works) in the middle of your 8 weeks?

The guy just got a new job after a period of unemployment. It would be dumb to risk that new job for vacation and he knows it. That's why he's suggesting multiple short holidays more locally. He obviously wants to spend time with his family.

ReadingTime · 21/07/2025 17:13

His idea is a bit rubbish, but your idea is quite mean.

Why not go for 4 weeks and then do 2 long weekends together in the UK. I think most people would be sad if their partner wanted to take kids away for 8 weeks. 4 weeks is enough time to enjoy your own company and chill out, 8 weeks sounds more like a trial separation.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/07/2025 17:16

ReadingTime · 21/07/2025 17:13

His idea is a bit rubbish, but your idea is quite mean.

Why not go for 4 weeks and then do 2 long weekends together in the UK. I think most people would be sad if their partner wanted to take kids away for 8 weeks. 4 weeks is enough time to enjoy your own company and chill out, 8 weeks sounds more like a trial separation.

This is spot on.
I think 3 - 4 weeks - which is a generous time away - plus some planned long weekends is a good compromise.

It's strange that you think your 18yos won't want to go on long weekends with you, as a family - why not? I think that shorter breaks are often perfect with older teens, less time away, easier for everyone to get on harmoniously before teens want to be back with their buddies and away from parents!

I also agree with PP who have suggested that you are being particularly unsympathetic to DH - is there more of a back story?

NagathaCrispy · 21/07/2025 17:18

YABU .... under the circumstances, it's far too long, both to leave your DH at a sensitive time for him, and also to dump yourselves on people as hosts for that long. This year at least, you need to stay closer to home.

Driftingawaynow · 21/07/2025 17:18

Ugh how suffocating. I think you should go and have a lovely time. You’re married, not conjoined

justasking111 · 21/07/2025 17:18

Husband went away twice in a twelve month period for around seven weeks for his hobby a chance of a lifetime crewing. I was pregnant the first time, had a young baby the second. I encouraged him.

If you've been together a long time and your children are about to go off to university. Go make memories.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 21/07/2025 17:19

grumpygrape · 21/07/2025 14:36

'Most affordable tickets'.

Sounds to me you need to sit down and balance cost benefits. You, the children, and you husband are all emotionally invested here and there are monetary considerations.

What are the £ and emotional costs and benefits of, say, 2 weeks, 3, 4, etc. ?

I can't put myself in any of your shoes but I think if I was starting a new job and was coming home to an empty house for 2 months I'd be sad.

Show quote history

It fascinates me how different we all are!

I’d find this absolute bliss. Been daydreaming about the house to myself for a long time.

It’s only eight weeks. Being sad seems a bit extreme.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 21/07/2025 17:19

Having said that, OP is what works for your family that matters the most.

MoveOverToTheSea · 21/07/2025 17:19

YANBU
its a one off things and yes at 18yo, it’s unlikely it will happen again.

I get that your dh is annoyed. He’ll be in his own fur two months.
And yes it’s also the last summer they’ll be at home as ‘teenagers’. Things change when they go to Uni!

But then will they really spend that much time together, go on weekend away together? I’m not sure.. 1- because you need to find enough places to go away fur that everyone will be happy with, 2- it takes and time and effort to organise all of them (or does he expect you to do it?), 3- will the teens be happy to go away every weekends, 4- will HE be happy to be away every weekend? And ofc, I’m pretty sure all the work will be on your shoulders - from organising outings to sorting out the food and washing/hw that didn’t happen at the weekend.
So his plan is basically you doing more work for his benefit….

EarringsandLipstick · 21/07/2025 17:22

So his plan is basically you doing more work for his benefit….

There's really no indication that this is the case. His plan is a way of starting his new job while also managing to take short amounts of time to outings with his family, including his two DC, that otherwise he won't have holiday time with, and won't even see for 8 weeks! So the benefit is potentially for the whole family, not just OP's DH

Voxon · 21/07/2025 17:24

My DH works more rigidly than me, and I just took DC away for a few weeks. He didn't mind at all and was happy we were having fun.

BerryTwister · 21/07/2025 17:25

tarryawhile2025 · 21/07/2025 15:39

Thanks for all the comments. DH has had no qualms setting off overseas by himself when needed - albeit for work. I see it more as him being a bit of a dog in the manger. Not worth traveling that far if it was for anything less than 3 weeks. The twins off to distant universities in October, for courses that are 6 years long. I see this as a short window of opportunity- a breather for me after what has been very hard work over the past 6 years in my own workplace. And honestly, I don't see the twins too eager about having local weekend breaks over summer with parents. They are 18 not 8.

@tarryawhile2025 so in the 2 months before your kids go away to distant universities, you think it’s a good idea to prevent their Dad seeing them?

Missanimosity · 21/07/2025 17:28

MyDeftDuck · 21/07/2025 16:43

Go! With the children potentially moving into further education this might be the last opportunity for them for some time. OH will survive…….his belly will find his brain…….just be sure to teach him how to use the washing machine. 👍

What horrible comment. What makes you think he doesn't know how to use the washing machine or cook? What about his time with his family, his time with hos kids? What about emotional support is what is for most of us a very anxious time when you settle in for a new job? The lack of empathy for men on these forums always baffles me!

Seaside3 · 21/07/2025 17:29

I say go. 8 weeks isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things.
Would I be happy if my partner did the same to me? No. But equally I wouldn't stop them. I used to take pur kids for 3_4 weeks over the summer whilst my husband worked.nhe would fly outto see us when we had a long enough gap. It wasn't ideal, but it meant weren't sat about waiting for my husband to come home from long shifts. He would be tired and I would be frustrated from waiting. So it was just easier all round for us to get on with our own stuff whilst he looked after himself.

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 21/07/2025 17:34

I clicked the wrong vote! Hate how you can’t change it now!

Go and enjoy every bloody minute. It’s 8 weeks ffs! I was in the military and my ex was in the military. We did much longer than that apart. I’ve ex was way before the internet and it was fine,

softlyfallsthesnow · 21/07/2025 17:35

Is there a bit of tit for tat going on here? You say he was unemployed for a few months until recently. Are you thinking he wasn't doing very much during that time so now he owes you a long break?

Presumably it's your family you plan to visit and you've done it for 15 years, so why not go for the shorter time? I should think he's feeling very excluded and I wouldn't blame him.
This is the way resentments build. But you sound like you want everyone to agree with you so not sure why you're asking.

WhatColourTiles · 21/07/2025 17:36

As someone who regularly visits family abroad I would go, providing your DC want to be away for that long, it sounds amazing. I think your DH is being selfish actually, he can't go for reasons but that does not mean the rest of you should not go. My DH has never complained about me and our DC away, we're going next week for 5 weeks and he will just join us for the final one.
When you get back your DH should take the DC away for a long weekend to spend some quality time with them before they head to uni.

RiverGod · 21/07/2025 17:36

If they’ll be settling down to FE for 6 years, go now. Extended family won’t get to see them this way in that time. Their father will as he’ll be in the same country.

Assuming they want to go I’m afraid he’ll just have to suck it up.

Becomingolder · 21/07/2025 17:39

Can you really not go for 3, 4 or 5 weeks instead?

If you take it from this weekend coming that takes it to 20th Sept, that'll not leave much time before Uni starts (assuming you are in the UK, in fact lots will have already started freshers week by then). I'd be really annoyed if my partner took my kids away for 15% of the year, just before they left home. His suggestion would indicate that he wants family time.

Plus as others have said do you actually like him? Its a long time to be away from your partner, I love time to myself but 2 months is a bit much!

I get that if family are far away and you've had a rough time lately it sounds really attractive and I don't think you are unreasonable to want that break, surely though there is a compromise ti be made.