Ex signed son up to play for football

[Heyheyhey888]

I’ve got three children with ex partner . My son is a really good football player and has gotten into to playing for the county . He already does football and rugby etc ( as well as my other children so we have a busy schedule of constant training , games , work etc ) among this I also have a baby ( baby’s dad works away so I’m home all week days alone ) anyway HE has signed him up and he’s got though .. I’m so proud of him BUT it now turns out that training is the one day in the week I have the three children ( we share half and half )so I’m expected to take a baby , a 6 year old to training every week that’s half hour away from 8-9pm !! So won’t be home until half 9 ! I have no family to help ( he has lots ) not only this all the games are at least 4-5 hours away ! And I don’t like driving , then there’s the cost , I just can’t afford to do this as I’ll have to stay in hotels etc but not only that I’ll probably have to take the baby sometimes . I know it’s in the interest of my son but I just can’t logically see how I can do it but I feel like he will make out I’m a bad mother if I don’t . This was him signing him up in the first place . Am I being unreasonable and unfair to say no ? I already help him by taking kids to school on his set days and I’m just exhausted with all the other games and things they play every week as it is

I would take the younger ones with me as I did when my dc were young. Baby came with us in PJ's.

I'd do this too. One late evening a week won't do them any harm. Ex and baby's dad can help out when available, and lifts can be scrounged/shared once they get to know the team.
Can't just say no because there's a new baby whose dad isn't around...

It's not an issue though. Nope, can't do it. No sorry, no explanation. Only communicate through a parenting app. It just doesn't matter what your ex thinks or wants.

if he wants your son to do it, he can change his schedule to make it work.

If you can’t, you can’t. That is just reality. Don’t waffle or be ashamed. Just say “I can’t make it work. If you can’t then that is that.” Justvtell your son “Dad made a mistake in booking the class. Lets see if he can fix it.”

Thats crazy. Of course she can say no.

Sure she can. But making your oldest miss out on a major opportunity because your new baby's dad isn't around to parent is shit.
There's at least 3 adults involved, between they can work it out.

Tell him that. If HE wants his son to go to the thing HE signed him up for.... HE will have to make it happen.

I'd start with first checking that he can actually play both teams. FA are quite strict on rules and if he's playing for the county, I'm not entirely sure he can sign for another club.
If he's not allowed to play then hopefully the situation will be out of your hands.
If not, you can't do it. Ex will have to change his working day and facilitate.

Make sure your son gets the message that 'this is a great opportunity that Dad's signed you up for! Really nice that Dad has arranged this for you. I'm so pleased Dad and you have made this plan together. You'll need to discuss with Dad how he's going to get you there and back.'

Keep that up.

It may be Dad will have to inconvenience himself and change his work pattern.

Or Dad may have to pay for a taxi.

Or Dad may have to exert himself and arrange and drive on a lift rota with the other dads.

See?

'It's a brilliant opportunity, well done Dad. Now what's Dad going to do to ensure it happens for you?' 😁

The training night changed.

It was originally to happen on ex DH night when he signed him up.
This is very unfair to the child who should be encouraged to follow his dreams.
It is not his fault his parents don't have time.

How many nights per week are the 2 older DC with ex DH?

Are you working OP?

Can your current DH help with the baby, if y yo is on bed by 730 before training?

This is really doable, drop rugby too.

Tbf I don’t see what the ex has done wrong.

OP should explore all possibilities with him. I also think he should check how often the club changes days, at it may just be a short term problem if it’s going to change back soon.

Your ex will just have to change his work days or something then. You clearly can’t do it so it’s on him. Stand firm. You are not in the wrong.

Have you asked the club? Often arrangements can be made with coaches/other parents. If he’s a great player, they’ll likely offer help.

Would cutting down on DS other sporting commitments make this any more feasible?

I get that it’s an absolute pain to try to sort out, but equally this will be a huge deal to your DS. He’s at an age where they generally have to choose between football and rugby, so if he cut out the rugby that would help surely?

Ideally his DF would change his late shift to another day. Has he asked if that is a possibility?

As for weekend matches many hours away, I would assume there will be a team mini bus and/or other DPs to share with, but burden of that could be shared.

I guess to me the question is if you were both still together would you both be trying to make this happen or would you say no too hard, because this is more than just saying no to a class at an inconvenient time. It’s a big opportunity for your DS, even if it may well come to nothing.

It's up to your ex to get your son to an activity that he arranged.
Tell him that unless he's prepared to do that, your son will not be going

The ex arranged it on one of his days that has now been changed by the club. It isn't the sort of club you can just say oh well go to a different one. It's an opportunity the DS has been presented because of his ability and previous efforts he has put in at lower levels. To just say no you can't go will always leave him wondering what if?? And whether people like it or not a parent not being able to help because they are working will be seen as more forgivable than a parent not being able to help because they chose to have a baby with a new partner who works away all week.

There's at least 3 adults involved, between they can work it out.

And yet the two guys simply 'can't' and it's on the woman to do the impossible or else her DS will miss out, never forgive her etc etc. Funny how that happens, and will continue to happen as the next generation of boys gets shown their needs come above everyone else's instead of having to compromise like we do.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

The op mentioned he is joining another club in September.
Surely if he's that good he will get picked up there.
He also plays other sports. He needs also needs to decide what he wants to focus on. He can't expect the whole family to be running round after him and multiple sports.

They're at work and OP isn't. Nothing to do with her being a woman.
And as I said "between the three of them they can work it out". Not sure why you took that to mean it is all OPs responsibility.

Yes he will have to drop rugby if he wants to do football but it's not totally clear if he has been picked up by a professional club, or whether it is county. If it is county the next stage is national so it is quite possible he would be denied a major opportunity

Funny how that happens, and will continue to happen as the next generation of boys gets shown their needs come above everyone else's instead of having to compromise like we do.

Nothing to do with him being a boy. It is a major opportunity. Exactly the same would apply if he were a girl

I mean, you're demonstrating exactly what I'm saying. The Mens are at their important Work. The woman is running around juggling numerous kids but she can take it on anyway because her stresses and problems aren't important, even though she's said it's impossible. But no, it must be possible, because she's only looking after kids which isn't work or of equal value.

You said all three can work it out but at the same time acknowledge the two guys are at work so whatever they work out will have to be actioned by the OP. Is their responsibility purely strategic and the OP has to cover all operations?

Nope. If OP can't do it, and the two dads can't, then the DS can't go. End of.

Well yeah. The men are at work at that time and OP isn't. That isn't misogyny. It's just scheduling.
I wouldn't have had a 4th with a man who isn't around for exactly this reason, but there you go.

The OP might not be at work but she cannot drag a 6yo out to his brother's football training until 9pm on a school night on a weekly basis. It is just not a reasonable ask.

If the ex pays for a babysitter for the 6yo and baby, maybe. I am in no way a stickler for early bedtimes and my own children stay up later than most, but getting back at 9.30pm when the kids have school the next day is ridiculous. The 6yo needs sleep, the older one only wants to do this. Unfortunately, in family hierarchies "needs" come before "wants". Any solution cannot involve the younger child being dragged from pillar to post. I don't mention the baby as babies can be portable, but soon that baby will be a toddler and toddlers aren't.