Ex signed son up to play for football

[Heyheyhey888]

I’ve got three children with ex partner . My son is a really good football player and has gotten into to playing for the county . He already does football and rugby etc ( as well as my other children so we have a busy schedule of constant training , games , work etc ) among this I also have a baby ( baby’s dad works away so I’m home all week days alone ) anyway HE has signed him up and he’s got though .. I’m so proud of him BUT it now turns out that training is the one day in the week I have the three children ( we share half and half )so I’m expected to take a baby , a 6 year old to training every week that’s half hour away from 8-9pm !! So won’t be home until half 9 ! I have no family to help ( he has lots ) not only this all the games are at least 4-5 hours away ! And I don’t like driving , then there’s the cost , I just can’t afford to do this as I’ll have to stay in hotels etc but not only that I’ll probably have to take the baby sometimes . I know it’s in the interest of my son but I just can’t logically see how I can do it but I feel like he will make out I’m a bad mother if I don’t . This was him signing him up in the first place . Am I being unreasonable and unfair to say no ? I already help him by taking kids to school on his set days and I’m just exhausted with all the other games and things they play every week as it is

@Heyheyhey888

Trying to be practical here

You say your son is also starting at a new club in September. I think you need to find out if he can play for both the club and the county at the same time.

He should also drop the rugby. If he's that good and really wants a chance at the football then he should focus on it.
Reducing the overall burden of training may help with logistics
And ex should contribute to costs and facilitate the weekend matches

I would find a way to make this work with all the adults in his life. He’s 12. No doubt he’s already pushed out by his parents separation and new babies with new partners. Your ex is as much responsible but the adults here need to do right by this boy with the golden opportunity he has been given.

You tell ex that since he signed him up, it’s his responsibility to get him there as it’s logistically not possible for you. Otherwise, your son can’t take part.

Just tell him that you are happy for Ds to go but he needs to make all the arrangements.

all the games are at least 4-5 hours away

This alone would rule it out, regardless of any other constraints.
How big is the county you live in?!

Your ex signed him up, so it’s up to him to make it work and if he can’t then your son can’t go.
This isn’t your job to fix.

Me and my friend both do. We touch upon all topics related to relationships and and parenting and we dont pull no punches when it comes to tough advice. Even when we have wildly different opinions we still appreciate each other's frank advice with no sugar coating or pussyfooting around.

No, you cannot possibly manage this. You shouldn’t have to make long complicated excuses, the facts speak for themselves.

Either your ex takes DS or he can’t go, it really is that simple. Other arrangements might be possible in future, but if ex wants this, he must make it happen - for now at any rate. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault.

There’s no way I’d let my son miss out on this opportunity. I’d agree to cover the training if his dad will do the weekend matches.

For one night per week, can you not just get your other kids ready for bed in the car at training? Supper, story, PJ’s - straight to bed when they get home? It’s pretty standard of what I did for years after having kids with a 7 yr gap

Just ask what time he is picking him up.

You don't get to join this type of club because you want to make your ex feel guilty.

It is a fantastic opportunity, my DS wouldn't have a hope of ever achieving this.

You drop, Dad collects, or week on week off.
DH drops on match days.

I wouldn't have any more children.

Is it maybe difficult because you feel like you can't defy your ex? Do you feel that you have to do what he says in order to keep the peace and there will be a scene if you don't make it happen?

Completely understandable if there is a history of this, but really important to be accept that you are one person, you can't be in two places at once, let alone three, and unless he is going to facilitate this, it's not going to be possible. And not feel guilty. The more DC you have the more compromise there has to be, and that's ok. That's life.

And another one as well I think?
3 children with ex - 12 and 6 and ??
1 baby with current partner.

What age is the 3rd one with your ex?

I think baby is not ex husbands child.
3 total.

So it's not your ex's fault then?
Can you explain what level of football you're talking about? If it's a professional club academy then you could between you, prioritise this and drop all the other teams /activities. Ex will have to make changes to work and you'll have to make arrangements to facilitate this for your son. If it's just another local club then it shouldn't be a priority. It all depends if you and your Ex think it's worth it.

Did your ex discuss this with you prior to signing your son up? We're you aware of all the details before your son was signed up? Your ex must have been aware of the details before signing your son up, so therefore must have known when the training session would be, where and the time. He must have known he worked late, so couldn't take him, so therefore had already decided it would be your issue. You have 4 children (3 with your ex and 1 with your partner), that all need caring for, and given opportunities. It's fantastic your son is showing talent, but that can't override the rest of the families needs. You can't fit this training into your day, whilst you have other children, needing your time. Tell your ex, he will have to take your son, because you can't physically fit it into your day, he signed your son up, so he needs to find a solution. Going forward, there needs to be a discussion regarding the football, assuming your ex finds a solution, because you can't take him to all matches either.

I believe it was scheduled on his night originally.

If the matches are 4/5 hours away, he's playing for counties then a coach will be provided for the team.

Have you asked about this?
I know that kids like their parents there to watch them. It can be a pain.

It's a bit unclear but read to me like it's the county club, which makes sense of why all the matches are so far-flung.

Oh. Only the OP says "I’ve got three children with ex partner".
I guess it doesn't matter, it's still a lot to ask.

There’s either some sort of solution the adults can come to together or there isn’t.

Your ex shouldn’t just be booking it and dumping all the logistics on you. Is it possible to have a sensible conversation with him. As others have said, you don’t need a long or emotional explanation- the facts speak for themselves. Don’t make the mistake of going in there panicked or angry - just approach from the pov of what is or isn’t possible.

Is there any extended family on his side who can help? Can your exh change his late working day?

I definitely agree that no more babies should be brought into this mix!

You can't take him. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to work out ways to do this. Doesn't matter that it's one of 'your' days - you already help out with school runs on his days. Ex can either change his work pattern or find someone else to help - family, friend, another parent, pay for a taxi - but it's not up to you to organise.

Talk to your ex about it.
Hey ex, it's great that DS got onto the county football team, however, I'm not in a position to be able to take him to training and the matches because x,y and z. Of course, I want him to participate but it just doesn't work for us. Can we think of some other solutions together?
See what he comes up with.

Also, if it's not possible, it's not possible and that's it. We can't do everything we want to in life. Something will have to give.

There is absolutely no way that I could deny my son this opportunity.

I would find a way to make it work, somehow.

How would you make it work in the situation the OP describes?
You might have a good idea that would work for her.